Half of You

Starvation and Comfort - Thirteen

Payne's words ring in my ears like I've been struck in the head. There's so many implications in the weight of his voice, in the blood covering him. A mix of his own and others, some from this pack, some that are something else entirely. It's the smell of a house that's sat untouched for too long, a cellar that's damp and overgrown with mildew. It smells like the essence of aging.

"Vampires. On the border.. all of them starved. Willing to take on wolves in foreign territory just to feed." He grits his teeth, shaking his head back and forth. For them to be gone so long.. it must have been bad. Very bad. Just like Nora said.

"I wish I could have helped. Why would they have been starving?" Even if it wasn't their preferred diet, they could hunt animals to sustain themselves. At least to the point that they weren't ravenous.

I want to pull him close to me, offer some kind of comfort. The only thing that stops me is that crimson, that smell. I gag, and he winces. "You couldn't have helped. Not against them, not yet. As for them being almost starved to death.. I doubt being poor hunters is enough of an excuse."

I nod, even though he's right and I know that, I wish I could have protected them. Defended the pack. Regardless of why they were there, or under what circumstances, it leads into the next question.. "How many.. of the pack?" It's hard to get the words out. Though I've only been here a short time, the thought of any lives lost feels wrong. Death like this is such an avoidable thing.

I remember the table, everyone howling and celebrating, the pack turning back for me when I fell during the run. The way the Luna insisted I sit at her table, the way Kassidy and Nora made sure I had somewhere to sit when the choice seemed overwhelming. The wolf splashing with the pups. How I haven't been treated as if I were out of place since I arrived here.

"Twelve." Twelve whole lives lost, gone in such a short time. Twelve lives that hang heavy in Payne's eyes, where the sadness seems almost like another being in the room with us. A future Alpha that cares for his people, one who sees each and every one of them as important.

"I'm so sorry Payne." I'm not sure what else I can say. Nothing can mend the gap left behind when wolves take their trip to the Moon. Sorry feels inadequate. They probably had mates, maybe even pups.

"Me too." He says. I believe him.

Despite the blood on him, despite the fact that I feel like I might gag again, I move across the room. I reach my hand up to his face, gently stroking his cheek, ignoring the red flakes coming off in the process. He closes his eyes, leaning into my touch and inhaling deep. "Who cleaned up the blood?"

He opens his eyes, roaming all over my face, the strands of hair untucked from my braid. "I did. I didn't want any of the pups seeing it.." They shouldn't have to see anything like that in a place that is meant to be safe for them. A horror to little eyes.

"Thank you. I.. need to get a shower. I'll be quick." I back up, nodding my agreement. If I were him I would want to wash myself off too.

"Would you like me to heat up dinner? I saved you some." It was thick stew served in a giant pot, with buttery biscuits on the side. I managed to snag him some before the last remnants were scraped out of the bottom. His eyes light up, if only a little.

"Yes please."

He doesn't take long at all. By the time he gets out the stew has just barely finished heating up, steaming as I ladle it into a bowl then set it on the table. The biscuits are left sitting on a folded up napkin to the side.

He all but collapses into the chair, shoulders slumped as he devours every bite within a matter of minutes. I don't do anything but run my hands through his damp hair, sinking into the feeling of that tingling. Like golden sunlight warming me from the inside out.

He wears a tank top and loose shorts. The gashes on him have started to close up on their own, much faster than most wolves heal. I wonder if what the elders said is also true then, that Alpha blood has healing properties. Some so strong it can be passed through transfusion or other means.

I'm entranced by him, this feeling between us, the way that touching him makes the tiny tendrils of pain slink off of my chest. It's like a beacon of light when everything feels so dark.

"Can we not talk about it anymore tonight?" Payne's words come after a long silence. I can see the tension in his jaw and shoulders that still remains. I'm sure there will be a lot of discussion about it in coming days.

Where he seems tense, I move my fingers from his hair to gently trace his jawline, using the pad of my thumb to massage the area. Every detail of his face is beyond attractive.

"Of course. Would you like dessert?" I change the subject so that he can think about something other than today's events. I'm sure it will be discussed for many days to come. Twelve lives is a lot missing from a pack. Especially from a single battle.

"Yes, thank you." I bring him two lemon cakes, and they're gone almost as fast as I can get them set down. I wonder if I didn't save him enough for dinner. I will have to remember that in the future.

"Can I ask you for something?" He picks his head up to stare me in the eyes. Heat flushes my cheeks. He ate dinner and dessert like he'd never taste more - but there was another kind of need written on his face. The need to be held, comforted. He practically sagged into my touch when brushing through his hair, his body leaning into the bond for that need to be met. "Anything." I say, not sure what he could possibly ask that I would deny.

"Can we share a bed tonight? I just want to be with you." The red of my cheeks burns much hotter. Thinking of being that close to him, his body, snuggled under blankets together.. it gives the wolf wicked ideas. I remind her that it's for comfort, not pleasure. His body tells of his exhaustion, his silent sadness.

I pause, looking at him. He's practically falling asleep at the table, eyes closing on their own just for him to blink them open while waiting for my response. If comfort is what he needs, then I will share a bed with him. Besides, like he said, there's no pressure to do anything. It's just to be together.

"Which bed will we sleep in?" I ask. He takes my hand, rising from his seat, slower than I've seen him move before. Now that he's ate, and showered, I think everything is catching up with him at once. He needs rest, and so do I.

"Yours." The answer is instant. I wonder what will happen when we sleep in his bed.

By the time we reach upstairs, he's barely able to pick his feet up. I fumble with the door handle before realizing that I locked my key inside. I stare at it for a second, swearing under my breath.

"What's wrong?" He asks through a yawn, moving his neck back and forth as if to stretch it out. "I locked my key inside." He nods as if in understanding, and I'm going to turn and see if I can get the Luna to let me hold the spare. Before I can so much as turn my body he grabs the handle and pulls it up until it makes a popping sound. The door eases open on it's own.

"I'll put a new one on tomorrow." Is all he says, walking into my room. I see his eyes catch my few belongings, the pictures on the mirror, the letters I left on the dresser. I will have to answer them tomorrow. There was more going on than I could have possibly written before training. How could a letter possibly explain anything that's happened in these past few days adequately?

I turn away long enough to take the braid out of my hair, and when I turn back, Payne is asleep on the top of the sheets, a peek of his toned abdomen sneaking out. I don't look away this time, thinking that I have every right to take him in. His form is mine to devour. Whatever bond the Moon chose to weave between us, I thanked her for it silently. And asked her to hold those twelve warriors tight, reward them for their honorable death.

Then I crawl in bed next to him, halfway under the covers, halfway not so that my hand can reach over and settle on his chest.

I lay awake for a long time, listening to his breathing, focusing on the bond in my chest that writhes in pleasure just from simply touching this male. I think of our first meeting, of his confession at the lake, of me wearing his shirt. How it all seemed so.. accidental. Me getting rejected and ending up here, being so attracted to Payne, meeting Kassidy and Nora.

When in reality I believe the Moon intended for all of that to happen; a master weaver spinning a future from her great loom. There is a future for me in Redfawn, and every rise and fall of Payne's chest makes me all the more certain.