The Art of Pain (True Story)

3. Toxic First Job

[Singapore Polytechnic - Auditorium, May 2014]

28th May was my graduation day at Singapore Polytechnic - a day packed with mixed emotions.

Although my navy blue graduation gown discreetly concealed the catheter in my right chest, my face was a different story. Severely affected by nodulocystic acne caused by metabolic waste buildup in my body, my skin was left with a bumpy texture that no amount of foundation could effectively conceal.

[I have forgotten what it's like to feel comfortable in my own skin. It's a never-ending battle, and I know it'll only get tougher with every minute that I exist.]

As I took my assigned seat in the auditorium, I was so relieved to be seated beside Nathan, a friendly classmate who didn't bat an eye at my awful skin. We chatted amiably before the ceremony began.

The stage was set with a bold red backdrop proclaiming "Our Graduates, Our Pride." When my name was called, I went up the stage to collect my diploma certificate from the principal.

After the ceremony drew to a close within an hour, I made a quick exit to avoid any awkward encounters with old friends. God had other plans.

Queenie, Sheena and Ivy were standing together outside the auditorium. We locked eyes, but I summoned my courage to break the ice with a cheery greeting, "How have you girls been?"

The three girls regaled me with highlights of their seven-day Taiwan trip - the good food, scenic views, amazing weather, even the hiccups. Somehow I ended up laughing along with them. The energetic music and vibrant atmosphere also infected us with joy.

"Let's take a photo!" I initiated. We took a slew of photos on my camera. For a moment, it felt like we were one clique again and I felt a sense of belonging. Queenie doesn't seem to hate me anymore.

As we were getting comfortable, my church friends, Kangle and Szeting, appeared with a surprise congratulatory gift - an orange daisy. I was touched by their thoughtfulness. It was also a timely excuse to move away from my clique.

Then came the biggest irony - my parents showed up with a beautiful bouquet of sunflowers and a graduation bear in hand. Their sudden enthusiasm for my academic milestone was a big surprise, considering how they couldn't remember the name of my diploma after three years.

Their appearance began to sour my mood, as my mother began scrutinising my classmates' faces, making assessments of who was pretty and ugly out of bad habit. Even though she was generous with gifts, she just couldn't tame her tongue.

After taking a few more photos with my classmates, I bid farewell to Queenie, Sheena and Ivy, realising it might be the last time we'd see each other.

A part of me wanted to leave the past behind. I want to build a new life in private.

[There will be way too many people who will not understand what you have gone through, but you don't have to feel sad or anything, because your maturity and experiences are things they can only reach decades later, or even never.]

-

In June, my church's cell group "Happy Souls" had merged with two other cell groups, forming a new community of thirty-odd members.

After a five-month absence from cell group sessions, I felt scared to return and socialise with a large group of strangers all at once. However, despite my introversion and need for privacy, I missed having Christian friends to connect with.

When I entered the third floor of my church building, I was greeted by a sea of unfamiliar faces. A group of twenty-odd people were seated down in a circle and ready to start icebreakers. Then I spotted a familiar old friend, Kangle, and quickly settled in beside him.