My personal diary

Chapter-4

29.04.24

I think, my previous thoughts were heavy for you. For me, it was a fleeting feeling( as told in the previous chapter, including me everyone chases that feeling. It just felt good to take out everything on paper, I mean text.) getting a rush of adrenaline by just thinking that I am sharing my thoughts with someone. My private thoughts, known to none.

Does money buy everything?

If you take  this question in a literal way, then yes but in a figurative way, then no. I feel like everyone will always be like yes money does buy everything "but".... does it really?

In my opinion not truly, everyone will have negative thoughts about me if they thought that oh she is acting like such a privileged brat, who doesn't know the ways of life. But isn't it true really that there will always be a but whenever we give an answer to a question like that right.

Same is with  sentence,
"Can love do everything?"

There will always be a but.

In these two questions, people will always have doubts.

In my institute, there was a girl who bought something for her new formed friends and they were so thankful "but" the next day they all forgot about her and moved on with their own things. Just feeling weirded out as the girl who wasted her money thought that she was a part of the friend group. But no they were just grateful and moved on. I mean maybe grateful. They did not show it.
They hype the girl with smiling faces but if the girl stops buying "them". Then I guess all is for nothing.

30.04.24

In a home,  if the father provides for the family. Is that his only job, duty and everything toward his family, well no but if their children grew up thinking that oh we should give love to the father because he has money and he gave us money and he educated us through his whole issue "but" the father never showed a morsel of empathy, sympathy, care or anything that would be close to love. The father role was just the money part there will always be a "but part" in the children's mind.

..........................

Wtf, to blame an accident that happened with the whole family.

To blame that on me, my breaths came out in little puffs as I locked my room door.
I gasped and gasped until the breaths came out as soft and painful whimpers.
Trying to stable my breathing.

In and out, in and out. CALM!

One loud cry slipped from my throat, if it had been my m**I would have cried more but for h**. Only one little tear slipped away before I put up my shield and armour on again. I hardened my face expression trying not to show the pain and the  event that happened earlier and I walked out of my room with a happy face. If someone knew what happened earlier they would have been too shocked with my facial expressions after that.
Happy and calm.
Innocent and quiet.

Don't get too friendly or you will repeat the same fate as me and my previous bestfriend.

She used to be so friendly but then one day you get burnt out and then you realise people only liked you for your hyperactiveness and over friendliness. But then they realise fun aside now we want a real friendship not something based of a mere face expression. It is like that can't trust that kind of person. I don't know what I want to be for these people. At first I tried to be quiet and very shy, then very loud and happy. One or the other person shut me out for their I guess. I don't blame anyone.

But those friends that are with you when you have a burnt out phase, Then some are friends that pity you and some are real friends. This is my opinion by the way so don't be offended.
Well it is true that everyone needs a friend that is happy which makes us happy. And we forget about life. But that is not a true friend for me atleast so do I have to quiet or shy!!! What do I have to be??

Why do I get complicated friends?
I don't understand what games does the universe play with me. Always I get friends that cause me deep hurt and I forgive them for their reasons thar they are human.  Do they ever understand me?? I am also human, I also need pampering i also want the feeling of wantedness.  I have a best friend that first deeply hurt me at the beginning and now we are best friends. Is this way right that only one person takes away and feels the pain in a friendship. Is this right?
How much damage can I take?
How much damage can universe inflict on me before I crumble. Before I can't comprehend even the tiniest bit of damage and be nothing left inside to feel. I will be hollow and one other Crack, it will be the end of me.
How many times I have cried and no one can hear my silent cry for help.

She is sitting right next to me beside my bench with her new target to befriend and gain I don't know what. We would always go out on out break but today when I asked her she responded with nothing. No facial expression. Let me warn you, I mean I can't guarantee this but maybe like my other best friend who hurt me and then we became best friends, we will also overcome our differences I mean "I"will overcome "our" differences. I will be the one who will help everyone and take the burden of my so called friend because I am a "sweet innocent girl" who really is insecure. Everything is shit.
I am so tired of being a quiet and uncomplaining person. I hate myself so much. You would think that a person like me would hate on someone. But for me it is the other way around, I hate myself for not being good enough. For not being the person They want me to be. I hate myself more that "they " are a  few strangers, "they" have such an influence on my life.