Keep An Open Mind {Lynn Gunn}

24) Placebo Feelings

We were lying once again on the soft grass of the cliff, watching the sunset. I wondered how long was that grass going to be green, how long it would take for it to dry out. Everything withers at some point, even people. Well, there's death for that.

It's such a shame that flowers have to die too. I love flowers, they're what remains of actual beauty in an ugly world. A glimpse of light in a dark tunnel, it gives some sort of hope. It reminds me that the world is not completely dying.

I uprooted a small pansy from the ground and admired it, rolling it between my fingers. The blot on the petal has always fascinated me.

The legend says that when Persephone was kidnapped by Hades all the flowers and plants on the Earth died. Then, after they made the four months deal and Persephone went back to the world of the living, the Earth greeted her with new jolly flowers: the pansies. The symbol of rebirth.

I let out a soft sigh and felt eyes on me, so I turned around to see it was Brian.

"Can I ask you something?" he spoke up, quietly, not wanting to wake Alex – who was silently sleeping on the other side of the meadowland.

Justin was here too, despite Brian's volition, and he was sleeping just as deeply as Alex, with his head on his backpack. I nodded and Brian stared at me skeptically.

"Do you ever have doubts about your dreams?" he questioned. Oh man, this question.

Yes, I have had doubts. It's impossible not to have doubts over a situation like this. But I also firmly believed in it. Might sound incoherent, but who cares. Feelings are never completely coherent with themselves either, there are so many shades of the truth that you can never say what's more true than the rest.

"Sometimes." I shrugged. "But I don't let them get under my skin and sink into my head. Otherwise, it would encourage me to give up. You can't show yourself weak at the first doubt, I always try to fight my doubts."

"Why?"

"Because if you stop believing in what you preach and it's false even to you, then it's fake for certain." I replied. He pursed his lips together and started tapping the back of his hand with his fingers. It seems like he always needed something to do with his hands or feet to keep busy.

"Haven't we already had this conversation?" I asked, turning to him. He shook his head.

"Not exactly, Lynn. I still don't understand what this all comes from. What brought you to this idea? Don't you ever think you're creating a bubble around yourself?"

"Who says that?" I snapped. "What if what we call 'real world' is actually fake? What if what I see is reality and we've been living a lie? What if what we call real world is just some messed up vision that our brains created? And what if everything around us is just an illusion?" I stood up and he stared at me with his mouth open.

"From what I know, you might be just an illusion right now. You might be a hologram that my brain created. You could think the same of me, no one can tell us what the real truth is. The only certain truth is that... there are too many different truth's."

"That's a paradox." he pointed out.

"I don't care what it's called, I just know we can't know what's real and what's not. We can't tell what's right and what's wrong, we can only suppose and... decide what to believe in." I explained.

"Maybe we're all crazy, in the end. Maybe I've imagined everything. Maybe I'm dreaming, who knows? Our minds play with us."

"I don't think I understand..." he admitted, in confusion. I took a deep breath and sat down beside him.