Self-Control [2] (Twilight]

Eliza's Journal: Entry # Can't Remember.

My name is Elizabeth Cullen and this is my life story.

I am a creature of the night. Vampires do exist though we keep our existence as a secret. Humans aren't ready to know us. We're different and if time has taught us something is that humans destroy what they fear and don't understand.

In fact, within our species me and my family are different. We are rare. It's why blending along humans is easier. We don't drink human blood. We survive with animal blood which makes our eyes similar to humans. Gold, similar to hazel at the contrary of those who drink human blood, reflected in their red eyes.

I still find it difficult, live with this 'diet'. Sometimes I'd wish I didn't have a conscience, that humans were worthless so I could feed without guilt but sadly, I did have a conscience which developed after all the damage, all the hurt I cause the first months of my immortal life.

I wasn't the only one who struggled though, my brother Jasper whose control used to slip every once in a while also shared my concerns. But that's pretty much the only thing that we shared because we weren't truly related.

None of us wer blood related. We may look around the same age but appearances were deceiving. Being immortal came with a gift, or curse - depending on your point of view - eternal youth. Some were older. Some were younger.

I was turned in 1921. Carlisle, our father and Coven leader called us his family, treated us as such even though the only ones he didn't turn were Alice, Jasper and myself. Out of the three of us whose maker were either gone, unknown or dead.

Carlisle still treated us as his own children. He began the family with Edward in Chicago, 1918 when he was dying from the Spanish influenza and then, three years later in 1921, he followed with Esme giving Edward a mother after he saved her life after her suicide attempt.

A year later, at the start of 1922, I joined their little family when Carlisle found me as what we call newborns. Recently changed vampires. My first months were the worst, killing and using my gifts without mercy on my victims because I lack control, my maker, the vampire who created me took no responsibility for me and left me alone, not dealing with the consequences. Carlisle helped me after seeing my regrets. He offered me a home, lessons, a family.

Something weird happened that even up to now I couldn't find a logical explanation. I couldn't remember anything about my life before I was changed.

If anything, the only reason why I knew my name was Elizabeth is because that's how my maker called me before he left. Carlisle once theorized that it could have been his gift. That he could have erased or blocked my past from me. It didn't matter because I had a new family.

A family who at first was wary of me because I had no control of my thirst, my eyes were red, a contrast to their vegetarian, golden eyes. Carlisle ignored their complaints, helping me. With time, Esme was the first one of them to accept me after finding out I hadn't family or I didn't remember it at all. She was sympathetic and within a year of meeting her, she became a mother figure. Edward was the only one by that point to not accept me, he wasn't my number one fan, thinking I'd just disrupt the balance with them. We didn't speak at all for the first five years, only when necessary and Carlisle forced us to. I used to think he hated me.

In 1927 Edward entered in a rebellious period and left. I never knew what he did for those years but he did come back in 1931 with red eyes. By this point, my eyes a weird combination of red and gold eyes, slowly getting the urges in control. The three of us were worried about Edward, after all even with our differences he was still my brother. Edward apologized with me for being rude, he had finally realized why I struggled the most. Carlisle must have explained or he had read my mind one day and he recognized I didn't only struggled with the thirst but my gift as well. I remember he told me - and apologized right after - that when he saw me again, he needed to know why Carlisle still wanted to help me so he read our minds until he found his answers. He had seen my guilt, how every time I closed my eyes everyone I hurt and killed were there and the fear of doing the same thing to them haunted me. Edward understood and gave me space but no longer anger. It made our relationship less estranged that for the first time in 1932 I was able to keep light conversations and brief eye contact with less fear of hurting them.