An Unpredictable Life

6. It's A Long Way Yet

It's a Long Way Yet

6

What most people need to remember is that just because you're getting treatment, it doesn't mean that everything is over. It's just the beginning of everything…your recovery, your future and the rest of your life. It is not just a physical journey, or whether your body will survive or not. It's a very emotional and almost spiritual journey.

There are times when you want to give up. When you think that it would be better and easier not to fight and just to let the disease have it's own way so that you're not in pain anymore. I know, I've been there. There were times when I was almost completely out of it and wasn't aware of how serious things were. Like the time my Hickman line became infected and I almost died.

I remember being brought into the hospital by an ambulance after my blood pressure was extremely low. Jeff, my excellent doctor, had to literally cut the Hickman line out of me as soon as I arrived and was put into a room. There was only a local antiseptic lotion around the area and I could feel him pulling the lead right from inside my chest where it was attached. It didn't hurt; it was nothing more than a sharp, quick tug. I was barely aware of much throughout the whole thing, but I do remember that all I wanted was to go to sleep and to go home, insisting it wasn't that bad. Until a nurse told me just how serious it had been and that I almost died because of the infection.

And there are some times, just like then that you really need someone there with you, to give it to you straight and tell it to you like it is. It's not all crying and having someone there to hold your hand. Though I'll admit there's nothing better than having a good cry and being able to know that even if you are so caught up in your pain or sadness that you can't see through the tears, there is someone there who understands. Someone who can just sit there with you, quietly, not feeling the need to do anything but be there with you. And I'll admit that I've done that a few times.

One afternoon my mum had to go to work, after having slept on a cot in my room all weekend, over night. It was such a bad week for me that I burst into tears the instant my mum had left the ward. I'll never forget my doctor Jeff popping in to see how I was doing, only to find me trying to hold back the tears. He only had to see me like that before he came and sat down beside my bed and held my hand. He must have stayed there for half an hour while I cried to myself and tried to splutter out just why I was crying and how sorry I was to take up his afternoon with it.

And I'm sure that anyone who knows what it's like to cry so much you can't breathe, you'll be able to appreciate just how much that meant to me. And just why he is the best doctor anyone could ever have and why I'll always be thankful for having him there with me throughout my treatment, no matter how much trouble I caused him.

But most of all, all you really need sometimes, is someone to tell you everything is going to be okay. It's the classic tale in everything, just like a horror movie and the girl makes the guy tell her it's going to be okay, and they're going to be safe. It's exactly what you need sometimes. Just for someone to be there.

Whether they talk or not, whether they're asleep in a chair in the room and snore their head off or whether they're just sitting holding your hand, reading a magazine, or watching the TV. It doesn't matter. What matters is the company. There are times that it can mean everything and times when all you might want is to be alone and it's perfectly understandable that your moods are going to swing erratically.

Even now my moods can go from one extreme to another with no warning and for no reason (but bear in mind I have an under-active thyroid and I've had the very early onset of menopause since I was sixteen). Don't feel bad if you suddenly find yourself cursing people for showing up to visit you. Or if you find yourself screaming inside your head for people to shut up and go away, just so you don't end up screaming it out loud.