Sofia the first: Mean Princesses

'Army of Wenches'

In the coach, I mustered up all my strength to turn away from Amber and stifle a good hearty laugh. At last, she was getting what she deserved.

She sat across from me, scowling the whole time, too humiliated to speak to me until eventually, she could contain herself no longer.

"Tell me, Sofia!" she bursted suddenly. "Am I fat?!"

"No, n-not at all," I replied, fighting to pin down the corners of my mouth, but her belly rolls were clearly bulging through James's coat.

"Shut up! You're lying! You're lying!"

--

I arrived at the lunch table with a tray of salad and seated myself across from Clio and Hildegard.

Amber was taking a while. Perhaps she was crying herself to sleep in the princess' washroom.

We just ate pieces of salad in silence.

But after an hour, Amber finally came and seated herself beside me awkwardly like a slob with her big tray of dessert.

Clio and Hildegard began shooting her dirty glares. I simply avoided her gaze.

Amber began wolfing down her chocolate jiggly wiggly pudding, her ten-stack goldenberry pancakes, and her eight gooseberry bars all at once. Crumbs flew out everywhere and her gruesome chewing noises gave everyone misophonia.

People from other tables thought there was a fight and turned around only to hear Amber slurping down the last bit of goldenberry syrup.

Hildegard was the first to break the ice: "Um, Amber?"

Amber looked up from licking her syrup-coated porcelain plate. "What?"

"You're wearing princes' garments. That's not a princess thing."

"So?"

Clio added, "It's against the rules, which means you can't sit with us."

"Whatever! Those rules aren't real!"

"They were that day I wore a hat to Miss Elodie's play!"

"Because that hat was disgusting!"

"You can't sit with us!" Hildegard reaffirmed.

All eyes were on our table. The tension in the cafeteria intensified and it was almost as though there was a physical fight.

Amber's expression was crestfallen and she surveyed herself--her ridiculous garments and ridiculous state. "These clothes are all that fit me right now."

With her last bit of hope, she looked around at Hildegard, Clio, and me for some sympathy but all three of us refused to meet her eyes.

She sighed and threw her eating utensils into her tray. She stood up furiously with her tray and screamed, "Fine! You can walk home, harlots!"

Amber walked away like a harlot herself only to bump into Lady Joy, only I had no idea what she was doing there because Joy was just a puny duchess from the suburbs.

"Watch where you're going, fat butt!" Joy exclaimed contemptuously.

The entire room roared with laughter and Amber rushed out in embarrassment.

At home that day, Clover crossed out army of wenches and we celebrated by doing the Hootenanny dance and inviting more animal friends.