From the Razor to the Rosary (Completed)

Chapter Fourteen - Helena.

  I don’t know what’s happening, one second, I’m surrounded by darkness, nothing but black everywhere, unable to move or even think, but then the next, I can see the floor of my kitchen, shattered glass lying next to me, agony washing through my body, in those moments, I try to get up, trying to struggle towards the pills to try and consume more, wanting it to go faster, but when I try to struggle into a sitting position, my arms shake violently and give out beneath me, my stomach feels like it’s on fire, I’m dying, I can feel it, and all I can think then is, thank god.

  My energy drains from me, and I feel the cool surface of the kitchen floor beneath my cheek before darkness consumes me. I give into the darkness, thinking its death.

  Almost immediately, my vision washes back into focus, and I open my eyes to find I’m in a garden, in fact, I recognize it, it’s my garden. It’s almost as I remember, but the grass is tidier, the furniture in the garden cleaner and the sun above me is bright and warm. I look around with a frown, this so better not be heaven.

  Then I realise I’m not alone, someone stands in front of me, their back to me, staring off into the distance. I know it’s a boy, their hair is short and black, stuck up in all different directions, they wear black jeans, and instinctively I move forward to go to him, it’s Gerard, I know it is.

  I move toward him cautiously, and when I’m a few feet away, I reach out a hesitant hand, but just as I go to poke him in the back, he spins around, eyes wide and staring, his pale skin glowing in the hazy sun.

  “Hadley!” he shouts, but it’s joyous, he’s happy to see me, suddenly I feel okay again, we’re together, we’re the same, we’re best friends again. I start to smile as he opens his arms for me to step into, and I immediately go to hold him, but as I step forward, I grind to a horrified stop.

  Gerard starts to cry, the tears well in his eyes, and they’re not the right colour, they splash down his cheeks, crimson and thick. They’re blood. I take a startled step back, my mouth agape.

   “Why would you?” he yells, stepping forward angrily as more blood pores down his face. Bruises start to well, pooling around his neck, it’s the bruises that were on his corpse when he was buried, evidence of his method of suicide. They turn black and blue, wrapping all around his throat. Blood starts to wash down his jaw and down his neck now. And then, his wrists, which I can see clearly because he has on a short sleeved black top, cuts appear, deep gouging cuts that instantly well blood and seeps down his pale skin.

  “Look what you did! Look what you did!” Gerard screams accusingly. Pointing at me, blood flies everywhere, including all over me, I feel it splatter my face, and I gag.

  “You killed me! You killed me!” he yells, he grips my shoulders, shaking me so hard my whole body rattles, I start to sob, knowing he’s right.

  “I’m sorry” I gasp, my body so wracked with sobs that he has to hold me up. Gerard looks down at me sceptically, the blood pouring from his wrists sliding over his hands and down over me, I try to keep myself from puking.

  He stares at me, the bruises spreading down past the line of his shirt, the blood from his wrists covering all of his forearms and me, the blood he’s crying covering most of his face. The sight scares me, but I don’t try and pull away.

  “You should forgive yourself” Gerard tells me, I stare at him, even more startled than I was.

  “For what?” I ask, confused.

  “Exactly. You never did anything, so you should forgive yourself” he lets me go, stepping away, his gaze doesn’t leave my face, he looks sad. “I’m sorry, Hadley” he whispers.