The Royal Romances

A New Normal

March 1414

I gasp for breath as I sit up in the bed with a jolt and feel my damp nightgown stick to my back. The blade had cut into his flesh like it was as smooth as butter and I had seen it all so clearly. This man bore no resemblance to Edmund but I knew it was him. He was surrounded by enemy troops with no allies in sight and yet he had fought fiercely until the sword pierced his back so easily. He had fallen to his knees with a string of blood coming out of his mouth as he slurred my name. He would never return because he would burn on foreign grounds before his superiors wrote the standard condolence letter to his family. And I would be all alone. The fear was paralysing and even though I was sitting down, I was panting quickly and felt the hopelessness take over. It was done. He was gone and I would never lie in his arms again. Never hear his calming voice or feel his body next to mine. The emptiness inside was unbearable and I let out a sound resembling that of a wounded animal. Why had we not gotten more time? Why was he taken from me so cruelly? Was this truly God's plan? From the darkness next to me, a hand suddenly grabs a hold of my arm.

"I am here."

I lay back down and feel my heartbeat slowing down as I look into Edmund's eyes and he strokes my cheek calmingly. As my head is resting on his chest, he keeps repeating the same phrase over and over again. I am here. Slowly, but reluctantly, the horror begins to release its hold of me. This is the third night that I have had the same dream. In all of them Edmund suffers the same horrible death and I am once more alone. It was all so real. Every night I could smell his blood as he was dying and my brain seemed so set on it being real and not just a dream. Edmund and the other men that had gone to war had only been back for four days and I curse myself for being so weak. It is Edmund who has returned from hell, it is he who is supposed to ease his heart to me and I am meant to be the one to calm him and tell him everything is going to be alright. Once more, my cheeks burn with the shame of acting this way, like a lost little child.

"Forgive me."

My whisper disappears into the darkness but soon thereafter his arms are around me, shielding me from my own mind and the rest of the world.

When the men return there is of course a big celebration. Charles arrives first, greeting me with a big smile and a pleased nod of acknowledgement. He looks altered in many ways and somehow he appears older to me. Perhaps that is what war does to men, I ponder as I look upon him. I am pleased to see him back and his acknowledgment of me makes me think that he has not forgotten our last night together. Charles had not left court until a fortnight after Edmund was gone, and on his last night, he summoned me. I felt obligated to see him before he went to France. Even if all my prayers went out to Edmund, I had not forgotten Charles' unique skills or him coming to my defence against the Duke. The night was as passionate as it was affectionate and even if the guilt and shame overpowered me at the thought, I could not deny that Charles' familiar touch gave me more pleasure than Edmund's.

Not far behind the King comes my husband, looking noticeably tired after the battles and long rides. With a simple nod he disappears into the palace as I try to find Edmund's face in the crowd as discreetly as possible. Sophie notices him first and runs to greet him with a long embrace. As our eyes meet I feel the knot in my stomach finally dissolving into a pile of nothing. He has kept his promise. We greet each other politely and formally but when he kisses my hand he holds it too long for the gesture to be seen as appropriate. But in the wild celebrations and crazy cheers that have already begun, nobody takes any notice of us.

The hours to come when we have to appear in public are pure torture. We talk, laugh and drink like all the others but all I want to do is crawl into his protective arms and never leave. Sophie is beside herself with happiness and constantly embraces her brother or holds his hand. I have never felt such jealousy towards another person and my cheeks flush with both anger and ridicule. When an officer asks Sophie to dance, Edmund finally takes my hand. It is a good excuse for us to be near without raising suspicion but when I have gotten a taste, I only become greedy. As I look into Edmund's eyes I see that his thoughts are not far from my own.