nothing without you

7-Crazy Shit

It's been a week since the start of school.

We have English now so that means I get to hang out with pretty boy while we just pretend to actually be doing the work.

I slide into my seat (the seats were changed on the second day so we were all next to our partners) next to Ashton.

He's already there. "Hey Sunflower." He teases.

"Don't fucking call me that." He just pouts at me.

"I thought you were the nice one."

"And where did you hear that?" I question.

"Your the one who does crazy shit because you don't care what people think of you but actually are really friendly to people in general. Leila also does crazy shit but just because she thinks life is boring. Kailey stops you from killing yourselves because she's more rational then you. Jay pushes against society's expectations and doing crazy shit helps." Somehow he manages to sun up my friend group. He hasn't even met Jay or Kailey.

"How the fuck do you know that? You haven't met Kailey or Jay." I'm so confused.

"This was pretty much exactly what Kai told me about your friend group."

"Why does Kai know my friend group?"

"I'll try and quote him on this 'they're crazy as fuck. There isn't really anyone else who could fit into the group because they just work so seamlessly together. Everyone has tried to at one point though.' " He uses air quotes to quote exactly what Kai said.

"Are you serious? Why would anyone want to be friends with us we're probably going to die before we're 25." It was true. He just laughs.

"You're fun. Practically the only people in this town who are definitely going to enjoy their lives to the fullest. You all are friends for life. Everyone wants that."

It kind of made sense. I mean I was never letting my 3 best friends go. They were my forevers. We were all complete messes but at least we were messes together.

It's like we were meant to find each other and be best friends. There was nothing that could ever change that.

"Realizing I'm right?" He teases me.

"We'll we are amazing so I see why everyone wants to be friends with us."

"Oh yeah that's what it is." He rolls his eyes.

"Don't worry pretty boy, I'll let you join me to do some crazy shit sometime, then maybe you won't be left out." I give him a sweet smile.

"What crazy shit are we gonna do? You do have expectations to live up to."

"Wanna graffiti a dick somewhere? We could also have a beach day because that gives us a lot of opportunities for some crazy shit. I've done some weird things at the beach."

"Oh really? Like what?" He challenges.

"Well once when I was drunk I bought a wedding dress and ran into the beach in it but I don't even remember that. Ooh! We could always do the classic 'YOU CHEATED ON ME! YOU SICK MAN I AM CARRYING YOUR CHILD.' That's always a fun reaction.." I notice the class all turn to stare at me because I had yelled that. I burst out laughing.

"Also proposing to random people. That is one of my favorite things to do." He raises an eyebrow at me.

"You do this often?" He looks a little concerned.

"Of course!" I state happily. "I really have got to give you lessons on how to not give a shit about what the world tells you to do. Oooh! Another one I love is airdropping random people awful selfies of yourself. We'll have a beach day where we do all of the above." I clap my hands together, excited.

"You're very convinced I don't live life to the fullest aren't you."

"No one does. But you have to at least try, pretty boy."

"If you get to call me I'm calling you Sunflower." He states.

"No. Sorry, pretty boy but it's not really your choice."

"It's not yours either, sunflower."

"Oh please fucking stop."

"Ooooh someone skipped breakfast this morning." He says this in a teasing way but it doesn't feel like it.

I shut down. I close my blinds so he can't peek through.

No one can know. Especially not him.

I don't want to date anyone. I'm so broken it's not fair to him.

I make my face go blank so he can't see all the emotions under it.

"I—" I clear my throat making sure he can't hear that my voice is shaky. "I have to go." I state.

I grab my stuff and immediately rush out of the classroom. I make up some shit excuse to the teacher saying I'm not feeling good. Then I scurry out the door.

I feel Ashtons gaze on me as I exit.

T/W: ANXIETY AND PANIC ATTACKS

I run to the bathroom and lock myself in a stall before I finally let myself panic.

I feel my chest constricting like it always does. I claw at my throat trying to breath even a little bit better.

I feel the tears streaming down my face. I choke back a sob, trying to be as quiet as possible.

I had gone to the bathroom that no one ever uses but I don't want anyone who's walking past to hear me having a panic attack.

I pull at my hair trying to distract myself.

It's ok.

I'm going to make it through this.

I reassure myself. Or I try to.

It doesn't help.

I feel my stomachs contents coming up and I vomit into the toilet. Sometimes this happens during my attacks.

I'm sweating and shaking and vomiting into a school toilet.

I've clearly reached a high point in my life.
~~~
A/N: I try to put trigger warning before anything that could trigger someone because you never know so there might be quite a few in this book because Livvy my baby has been through so much.

Anywhore I love themselves as partners and the nicknames are really cute. This is also not edited because it a lazy person so apologies for that.
kisses 💋
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