nothing without you

23-Bus Rides

It was the morning of the trip. Things were not going well. Aiden didn't even let me carry my own bags. I don't know what he thought holding my bags would do to me but..

Ashton hasn't talked to me or texted me in three weeks, since the day.

Kailey, Leila and Jay have been acting as if I'm a five year old and pretty much nothing has changed.

We arrive at school and I grab my bags from the back before Aiden can but he takes them out of my hands without a word and I roll my eyes.

I get onto my bus which all of my friends are on besides Leila and Jay who were on the other bus.

They take attendance and I get onto the bus, starting towards the back where I usually sit on buses.

But no, of course Aiden calls my name. 

"Liv, you should sit at the front of the bus just in case."

And the time on my ticking bomb is up.

"Just in case what? Just in case I randomly decide I'm going to smash the window and slice into myself with a shard of it? You have been walking on eggshells for three fucking weeks and I'm done with it. I'm not a glass hammer. I won't break under pressure, it was one time and I'm seeing a therapist for this reason, ok? I don't need two therapists. I am sitting at the back of the bus and you all can figure out a way to treat me like a normal human being or simply not talk to me, it's you choice." I snap back at him, Kailey and Kai standing behind him with shocked looks on their faces.

I storm to the back of the bus and sit down. I dont even feel bad for what I said. Maybe I should, but I don't.

I put in my headphones and turn the volume of my music all the way up.

I love the feeling of listening to music with AirPods. It's like a secret that only I can hear. Like the music I'm listening to is sacred and no one else can access it.

I blast a classic, Highway to Hell and let my anger out through the music. I picture my anger as a splotch of red and every beat in the song takes a chunk of the red off and it fades away.

I close my eyes, and I see the splotch becoming smaller and smaller in front of my eyes.

My senses are too overwhelmed for me to realize anything else going on in my surrounding.

I take deep breaths, in and out with the beat.

I feel like I'm actually myself again so I open my eyes.

I look out the window, seeing our school is no longer outside, instead it is blurring landscape.

I lower the volume down one so if someone said something to me, I would hear it.

I feel like a normal person again.

I look around and am startled when I see a person staring at me.

Ashton is sitting next to me, staring at me. As soon as he realizes my eyes are open, he looks away.

I can't fucking stand him. Just make up your mind.

I pause my music, you know this is serious if I'm pausing my music.

"You. You can't fucking ignore me for 3 weeks and then sit next to me, and stare at me. If you want to judge me for being fucked in the head then judge me, but do it from a distance. I don't need you to sit next to me constantly and give me concerned looks when you don't even talk to me. If you don't want to be apart of my life, I get it. Just fucking stick with that mindset. What you're doing is a dick approach." I rant, and immediately turn my back to him. I play my music all the way up again, as I see another red splotch.

I can tell he's talking to me, but I have no willpower to respond to him anymore. I'm so over this shit.

"Hey!" He yells, nudging me. He grabs the AirPod from my ear and I squeeze my eyes closed. The red splotch is growing and I can't defuse it this time.

"Get the fuck away from me you dickhead." I mutter.

"I thought I was doing you a favor by staying the fuck away from you. I thought that was what you wanted me to do." He snaps back.

"How the fuck do you get that from anything I was doing?" I reply.

"I kissed you, you friendzoned me, panicked and then the whole self harm thing. It sure doesn't seem like you liked me all that much. It's my fault in the first place and I'm sorry about that. You will never know how much."

"Why does everyone keep fucking thinking the fact that I hacked into my hands with a shard of mirror is their fault? I am the one who did it!" I respond.  "Look, I just want you back as a friend. Is that ok, or will you ignore me for another three weeks?" He chuckles a little bit at my statement.

"If you want to be friends then I do." He states. This seems a little like his way of backing out of a hole.

We end up talking the whole bus ride.

I love bus rides.

Kailey approaches me about 45 minutes into the ride.

"I texted Lay and JJ about the way we've been acting and they agree that we'll be better about acting normal. I'm sorry I just have been really worried about you. I mean you didn't give any signs so for all we know you could be acting super happy and this could happen again. We didn't mean to make you feel this way. I swear I'll try and be better."

I stand up and simply give her a hug.

"I love you, K."

"I love you, Liv."

"Girls! Sit down in your seat with seatbelts on!" A teacher yells at us and she goes back to her seat.

"Aw how sweet." He says sarcastically. Ashton starts clapping for us. I just roll my eyes at him.

"You are a dick."

"But I'm your dick." He says, before stopping. "That sounds so wrong.." I just laugh at this.

I've missed this.
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A/N: I'm so excited to write this trip cause there's such good stuff planned for it. Anyways I hope you enjoyed.

I loved writing all these descriptions of her anger and how music helps I find that fun to write so tell me if you want more visuals like that..

This is unedited bc who would I be if I edited this.

kisses 💋
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