Everything I Need

31

I open my eyes and feel a soft hand in mine. I glance to my right and a smile graces my face as I see Lauren asleep in a chair. Her head is leaning on her left arm and her legs are curled up in the chair somehow as her tousled dirty blonde hair is hanging down the side. She looks so peaceful as I watch her chest rise and fall. Even in my dreams she is still the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on.

A burning sensation in my left shoulder and the annoying sound of beeping makes me realize I apparently am not dreaming. I still feel a soft hand gripping my right hand and I know from the touch that it's Lauren. Realizing I'm in the hospital, my mind races back to what happened. I remember being shot then hearing another gunshot as I slipped unconscious. Which means... Lauren!

I quickly try to sit up but I groan from the throbbing in my shoulder and the excruciating pain in my ribs as I try to move. The sound startles the sleeping beauty awake causing her to grip my hand tightly as her eyes open. I swear my breathing stops as her tired, beautiful blue eyes focus on me and I try to process how she is even here.

"Oh my god, Kyler!" Lauren exclaims as her eyes widen and she quickly sits up. Never letting go of my hand, she stands and leans over me, placing a delicate kiss on my lips. "You're okay. You had to have surgery but you're okay now." As I just stare at her, she caresses my face with her left hand and asks "H-how are you feeling baby?"

I take a minute and mentally assess myself. My left arm is wrapped to my chest so I can't move it and my left shoulder hurts like hell plus I have an annoying IV in my left hand. My ribs feel tight and seem to be sending bolts of pain through my torso and stomach. My body hurts but I think I hurt more mentally. I'm tired, hurt and angry. I'm mostly angry. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry for what I have done to Lauren. I'm angry at myself for the pain I have caused her and for ruining her life. Mike was right, I am just a fuck up and fuck everyone's life up. I don't deserve Lauren. She deserves someone better than me. Someone that will not screw her life up and nearly get her killed.

"Kyler?" I hear and move my eyes to Lauren and notice her cut bottom lip. I caused that. I caused her to get hurt. As I lock eyes with her, an overwhelming pressure builds in my chest and my eyes start burning as I feel tears buildup.

"I-Is the baby okay? Are you okay? I-I thought he shot you. I thought you were...." I choke up just thinking about what could have happened to Lauren and our baby.

Lauren takes my right hand and places it on her stomach and keeps her hand on top of mine. "Our baby is fine and so am I. Thanks to you."

Guilt. Guilt washes over me as I look at Lauren. "I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I feel tears trickle down my cheeks and she brings her other hand up to wipe them away but I shake my head no which causes her to stop and give me a questioning look. "I'm so sorry for everything... I'm sorry for flirting with you... I'm sorry for kissing you... I'm sorry for pursuing you but most of all... I'm sorry for ever coming into your life and ruining it and nearly getting you and our baby killed. I'm a complete fuck up that doesn't deserve you... I damn sure don't deserve to be alive after all the hurt I have caused you and everything I have put you through."

Lauren is looking at me with a confused and hurt look on her face as I see tears forming in her beautiful blue eyes. "I... I promise I will not be mad at you for leaving me. I-I will not blame you if you hate me. I-I'm so sorry...." I can't even finish my sentence because the pressure on my ribs from taking deep breaths is too much.

Lauren caresses my face "K-Kyler" she whispers as her tears fall. "B-Baby, calm down. You have nothing to apologize for. This is not your fault and please believe that." Her thumb caresses my face as she wipes my tears away. "Mike was an asshole and the only one to blame. You didn't do a damn thing wrong so stop apologizing." I look away from her but she cups my face with both hands then turns my head back so I'm looking at her again and holds it there.

"Kyler, don't you dare blame yourself and believe his hateful words. Don't you dare believe any of the disgusting things he said. You listen to me and my words. You listen to me when I tell you that you did nothing wrong. You listen to me when I tell you I love you because I do. I love you so damn much. I'm glad you flirted with me. I'm glad you kissed me. I'm glad you pursued me even when I tried pushing you away. Most of all, I'm glad you came into my life and you have never and I mean never ruined my life. You have never been and will never be a fuck up and I mean it. Do you understand me? You better not even say you regret us or what we have?"

I raise my right hand for my fingers to trace her cut lip. As my hand nears her face, she closes her eyes and flinches on instinct causing my hand to stop in mid-air. "Lauren...? I would never hurt you like that, never." I whisper loud enough for her to hear and move my hand closer as I tenderly cup her cheek while her eyes are still closed. My thumb sweeps delicately across her bottom lip. "I'm so sorry."

Lauren's tear filled eyes open and meet mine. As I start to pull my hand away she grabs it and places it back on her cheek and holds it there. "This... this is not your fault. Now please stop apologizing." She says as she motions to her lip. I pull my hand away and look down because I don't understand how she can still say that none of this is my fault.

"K-Kyler?" Lauren says with a trembling voice as she grabs my hand and holds it in both of hers.

"I'm so relieved you and the baby are okay and that you're still alive but I don't know how or what happened after I lost consciousness. Why are you even here with me? You should hate me and not even want to be around me. Everything bad that happens to anyone in my life comes back to me. I am the problem. It's all my fault. Everything is my fault."

A look of hurt crosses Lauren's face and she shakes her head as I hear her suck in a deep breath and sniffle. "B-Before I can explain what happened, I need to let them know you're awake from the anesthesia. I-I need to...." She backs away from me with tears in her eyes as her hands release mine. I watch my wife walk out the door so I close my eyes to embrace the emptiness because I deserve to be alone. I deserve to be alone so nobody I love will get hurt again because of me.