Everything I Need

49

I turn to my side so I can lay my head on Kyler's chest and snuggle into her more. Tears fill my eyes as I hear the hurt in her voice. I hate that I didn't think about her mom not being able to meet her first grandchildren. It's not fair that she lost her life from someone being so careless. "Baby, I feel like such an idiot for not realizing you were thinking about your mom never meeting her grandchildren and I'm really sorry for that. I love you Kyler and I'm sorry she will not be here to meet them but we will make sure they know her and that she would have loved them, that she does love them. I'm so sorry for assuming you didn't want this because I know better than that, I know you and I know you would never do that. I called your name a few times but you didn't answer, I guess I got scared."

Kyler kisses the top of my head and says "it's okay baby and you're not an idiot so don't say that about yourself. We had a very surprising and eventful morning that both of us were overwhelmed from at the time. We just misunderstood each other. Do you want to talk about what's been going on?"

I nod my head and take a deep breath. "Yesterday in therapy I was asked how you had felt about having to move here and about our relationship. That's what made me realize I didn't know at the time how you had felt about moving here because you were never asked. I was selfish in wanting Mike to fix his relationship with you and you being forced to move here wasn't right. You should have had a say so. It made me feel guilty and feel like I've taken so much away from you and that I'm still taking so much away from you."

I slip my hand under the hem of Kyler's shirt just so I can have the skin to skin contact that always comforts me. "Therapy has been a lot and has brought up a lot but I don't want to ruin the rest of our day by talking about all of that or make you uncomfortable. I don't want to keep everything bottled up but I don't know if...." I shake my head because I know talking about my relationship or marriage with Mike is weird for Kyler and rightfully so.

Kyler lifts my chin up so I'm looking at her, "hey, I can tell you're already overthinking it. I promise you it will not ruin the rest of our day if you want to tell me, even if it's about Mike, I'm here to listen. I could tell something was wrong when you got home yesterday from therapy. I could also tell it was still bothering you this morning. I knew after the last few therapy sessions that something was bothering you or had upset you but I didn't want to push you to talk about it. I figured you would talk when you were ready. If you're still not ready then that's okay too. I'm here to listen whenever you want to talk, no matter what it's about." I look up at her because she has said before that it's weird talking about him. She quickly adds "It's fine baby. I'm fine with it even if it's about Mike, I promise. I have realized that he was never my father. He was just the sperm donor and that's it which never made him my father or dad. I didn't know him or love him and he didn't know me and never loved me obviously. I had one parent and that's all I ever needed anyway." She kisses my head and slips one of her hands under my shirt and rests it on my stomach.

"Okay, if you're sure. We have talked a lot about my entire relationship with Mike in therapy. Trust me, it made me realize a lot and how stupid I was. Just tell me to stop if you feel uncomfortable. Okay?" I ask as I look up at her and stretch enough for her to lean down and peck my lips. She nods her head for me to continue after kissing me. "I never dated in high school because I was only focused on my academics. I was such a nerd and had very few friends. Nobody paid attention to me and I was actually fine with that because like I said, I was only focused on my academics which is how I graduated high school a year early and went straight into college at 17. I was not interested in my looks, boys or anyone throughout school. When I started college though I made a few new friends through my roommate and they all constantly told me how pretty I was and begged to give me a makeover. Eventually I gave in and let them. I was shocked that I looked so... hot and actually felt more confident with myself and I liked the way I felt. So I started doing my makeup and went shopping for a whole new wardrobe."

"I started paying attention to the guys that were always staring at me and became interested in possibly dating but still wasn't quite sure about myself. I turned down every guy that asked me out because they just didn't stand out to me. I had just turned 20 when I met Mike and by just turned 20, I mean the day after my birthday. We literally bumped into each other at the mall and hit it off immediately. He was charming, smart and swept me off my feet. I fell head over heels for him and never looked back. He was my first love, my first... everything and I was too blinded by his charm to see his true self. A couple of my friends warned me about him because of rumors they had heard from their sisters and other girls around campus that he had messed around with. I didn't believe them and told them he wasn't like that and that they didn't know him like I did. Turns out, I didn't really know him either."

"The whole time Mike and I dated, he was a perfect gentleman. I never thought about our age gap even after introducing him to my parents who were not happy about our relationship especially the age gap. I was shocked when he asked me to marry him but gladly said yes. The day we got engaged was the first time we had sex which was also my first time ever. He had tried to convince me to have sex numerous times before but I wouldn't give in and he always said it was fine and that he would wait. As long as he waited for me to be ready, I thought he must absolutely love me. I met his parents a week after our engagement and that was also when I found out about you, due to remarks his mother had made. Of course his answer to why he didn't see you or talk to you was because Sara wouldn't allow him since she had full custody. I never questioned it because I had never been given a reason to doubt him or think he was lying to me. He was always very convincing."

I laugh and shake my head because of how stupid I know I was and how stupid I feel for ever believing that man. Kyler stays quiet and just gives me time to continue when I'm ready. I sigh and take a deep breath. "I should have realized the red flags with Mike but I... I didn't. Since I started college early and worked hard on my academics there too, I graduated when I was 21. Three months after my college graduation, we got married. Once we were married though, he gradually started changing. After three years I started questioning my marriage but was not willing to just give up on it. All my friends had told me numerous times that we wouldn't last especially with the age difference and I desperately did not want them to be right."