Everything I Need

72

Kyler and I have made numerous trips together to the NICU since my first visit. I just can't get enough of seeing our daughter now. Taytum is absolutely beautiful and definitely looks like me and Kyler both. She has Kyler's hair color and complexion and my nose and lips. I can't wait to see what color her eyes are. I hope she has Kyler's eye color and I definitely hope she ends up with dimples like my wife. That little girl is going to be a heartbreaker, I already know it. All the nurses in the NICU constantly tell us how beautiful Taytum is everything we fist her.

One of my favorite moments when visiting our daughter is watching Kyler interact with her. We both talk to Taytum everytime we visit and everytime Kyler calls her peanut she moves her little legs around. It's the cutest thing to watch and I love it. I also love the fact that she seems to recognize Kyler's voice along with mine. Kyler is going to be such a good mom even if she doesn't realize it. I know she will be great because it's like it comes natural for her which is so adorable and literally melts my heart. She is so tentative to everything Taytum does, it's so stinking cute.

I am so thankful that Taytum is doing really well and there have been no issues. I hate seeing the IV, oxygen and all the monitors hooked up to her but I understand it is necessary since she was born at 34 weeks and is so tiny. I just want to pick her up and hold her everytime we go to visit but I know I can't. It honestly hurts not being able to hold my own baby. It's hard not to get upset over the situation and the fact that her brother should be there too but he isn't.

Kyler went down this morning to get breakfast again and mine was brought in about five minutes ago but I'm waiting on her before I eat. While waiting, Dr. Walsh came by to let us know that I'm being released from the hospital today. Unfortunately, Taytum cannot leave yet because she is not completely in the clear and I felt like my heart was breaking knowing she would still be here but I wouldn't. I don't want to be far away from her so I'm going to talk to Kyler about us staying in the hotel that's right beside the hospital. My guess is that she will not want to be far from Taytum either.

Dr. Walsh even told me she recommends us staying at the hotel and said that is what most of the NICU parents usually do. She had one more thing to talk to us about but wanted to wait on Kyler to get back to my room in case we had questions, even though she had more rounds to make.

As soon as Kyler enters my room she looks at me and smiles then notices Dr. Walsh in the room and her smile fades from her face to more of a concerned look. The doctor informs my wife that I'm being released today. Kyler immediately says "That's great but I don't want to be away from Taytum. Can't we still stay while she's still here?." I tell her about the hotel beside the hospital and I know she would rather still be here in the hospital while Taytum is here because I would to but she semi understands even though to her it's not fair. After reassurance from Dr. Walsh, Kyler agrees we should stay at the hotel so we can still be close to our daughter even if it's not as close as we want to be.

Before we have a chance to start eating, Dr. Walsh says "I've got more rounds to make but I need to talk to y'all about one other thing." Kyler and I both say "okay" and Kyler takes a seat on the edge of my bed. "Ladies... I hate to be the bearer of any more bad news for you two. Especially after everting y'all have already been through. Y'all know by now that I don't sugar coat news whether it's good or bad. With that being said, Lauren, unfortunately, you will not be able to have any more babies."

"What?" Kyler and I both say at the same time. "W-What do you mean?" I ask hesitantly.

Dr. Walsh looks at us apologetically then continues. "You can still get pregnant Lauren that's not the issue but it would be extremely risky for your health and for the baby if you try to carry to term. I'm sorry, I really am but unfortunately there is nothing we can do. I have looked over everything and there is just no way your body can go through another pregnancy. I know it's not anything y'all wanted to hear and I am truly sorry. Do y'all have any questions for me?"

Kyler and I just sit in silence processing and I honestly don't know what to say. "If y'all don't have any questions or can't think of any right now that's understandable. If y'all will excuse me though, I have those other rounds to make. The nurses will be in after lunch with your discharge papers. Again, I am sorry I had to give more bad news. Feel free to contact me if you do have questions or think of anything." Dr. Walsh says as she heads towards the door.

I am at a loss for words and just stare off into space as Dr. Walsh leaves. I don't even realize I'm crying until Kyler wipes the tears from my face. My heart feels like it's being crushed again because even after what I went through and us losing Taylor, I wanted to try again. Not immediately of course but I did want to try again. I wanted those precious moments and memories of carrying a baby again and I wanted more kids.

Kyler wraps her arms around me and holds me tight as I cry. She rests her forehead against the side of my head and I hear her sniffling, trying to keep from crying. She places a kiss against my hair and whispers "I am so sorry Lauren" as her voice breaks.

My body shudders as I cry in Kyler's arms. My lip quivers when I mumble "I'm sorry Kyler, it's my fault."

Kyler tries to pull away but I clutch onto her and hold on tightly. She whispers "I've got you, baby. It's not your fault though Lauren. You have nothing to be sorry for, it's not your fault."

I bury my face in Kyler's neck and mumble "it is my fault. I... I'm too old to have babies. That's why we lost Taylor and that's why I can't have anymore. I'm just too old."

Kyler finally gets out of my grasp and she looks into my eyes as she cups my face. "Baby, stop that please. You are only 29, you are not too old and it's not your fault we lost Taylor so please don't think that. I know we wanted more than one child and there are other options we can look into when the time is right. Please just calm down and do not dare think any of this is your fault."