Everything I Need

68

   Mom is crying after I explain what happened but before she can say anything the nurse walks into the waiting room straight towards where we're sitting. I quickly stand and rush towards the nurse, desperate for news on my wife and babies. "How's Lauren and our babies? Are they okay? Can I see them?"

   The nurse glances at me with sadness in her eyes and I feel my heart start racing. "Mrs. James... Let's sit down so I can talk to you."

   I shake my head no, "just tell me how my wife and babies are, please. Are they all okay?"

   The nurse glances at mom then back at me. "She's my mother-in-law." I say impatiently.

   The nurse nods her head in understanding and says "your daughter is on her way to the NICU as we speak. She will be cleaned and weighed so I will have more information on her shortly. Do y'all have a name for her? We will need it for all of her paperwork."

   I nod my head yes, "her name is Taytum Elizabeth James. What about our son and my wife? Our son's name is Taylor Eli James."

   I watch the nurse take a breath then she says, "I am so sorry but... your son didn't make it. He was still born due to the umbilical cord being around his neck. Unfortunately there was nothing they could do. Again I'm very sorry."

   Mom grabs hold of me and we both start crying. "No! No, he can't be. We-we heard two heartbeats." I say through my tears and I feel my legs getting weak then hear a muffled cry escape mom as she manages to say "Kyler, let's sit down." I shake my head no because I don't think I can sit down right now even though my legs are weak.

   I blankly look at the nurse "w-what about L-Lauren? H-How is my wife? Does she know? Can... Can I see her?"

   The nurse motions towards the chairs for us to sit but I shake my head no again and yell, "just tell me damn it!"

   The nurse looks shocked by my outburst and takes a step back. She swallows and says "your wife is currently in surgery...."

   Mom and I both cut her off as we both yell "what do you mean in she's in surgery?"

   "Please calm down, I understand this is a lot to take in but I will explain what's going on." She waits a second then continues. "After the babies were delivered, your wife had a postpartum hemorrhage. She lost a lot of blood, her blood pressure bottomed out and her heart rate was low. Dr. Walsh and another surgeon are working on her now to find the source of the bleeding and get her stable. They are doing everything they can for your wife. As soon as I know more I will immediately update you and again, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son."

   "No! No! S-She has to be okay! I can't lose her! I-I just can't! Please!" I yell as the nurse looks at me apologetically then leaves the waiting room. Mr. David tries to pull mom and I both in for a hug but I shake my head and back away. Mom tries to talk to me through her tears as Mr. David holds her but my ears are ringing and everything is muffled and I don't hear a word she is trying to say. My chest feels tight and I feel like I'm suffocating.

   "Kyler, sweetie, calm down," mom says.

   "Lauren is my wife, she is my everything so don't tell me to calm down! You're her mother, shouldn't you be worried too!? You're not my mother so don't tell me to calm the fuck down!" I yell because I feel like I'm losing my mind.

   I take off out of the waiting room and rush outside of the hospital. I feel nothing but anger take over me from how unfair this is. "Whyyyy!" I scream as I punch the brick wall with my right hand. "Fuck!" I yell as pain radiates through my hand and I watch blood cover my knuckles. I pull my bleeding, throbbing hand to my chest knowing I shouldn't have done that but I needed to feel something other than the pain and sadness in my heart. I slowly back up until my back collides with the wall behind me.

   My body begins to shake as tears begin to freely fall and I slump down to the ground against the wall. My chest feels like it's literally ripping apart as a harsh sob leaves me because my heart aches for Lauren and our son. Our son we never got to see or hold. Our son who will never know how much he was already loved. I just want my wife, I need the love of my life to be okay. I run my left hand through my hair and grab a handful as I cry uncontrollably.

   I sense someone kneel down beside me and suddenly arms wrap around me. "Lauren will be okay, Kyler. My sister is a fighter and you know that. As long as she has wanted a baby, there's no way in hell she will give up now. Have a little faith in the doctors and pray that she will be fine. Okay?" Julia says as she keeps me wrapped in a hug.

   "I-I can't lose her, I just can't. I can't do this without her. I-I love her so much." I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping to stop the tears from falling. Julia keeps her arms wrapped around me and just holds me as I cry. The peace and quiet surrounds us and I don't know how long we sit like this without saying a word.

   I take a deep breath and release a sigh. Julia releases her arms from around me and I finally glance at her. Her eyes and cheeks are red and I can tell she had been crying too. I know mom must have told her everything that's happened.

   Julia looks at my right hand and shakes her head. "I should yell at you but I'm not. I know you're hurting and probably scared. Let's go get your hand taken care of because you have a daughter to hopefully see soon." Julia says as she stands up and offers to help me up. We make our way inside the hospital and to the OR waiting room where Julia leaves me just outside the doorway while she goes to find a nurse for my hand.

   As soon as mom sees me, she comes to me and pulls me into a hug. "I'm sorry" I whisper as I hug her back.

   "For what?" Mom softly asks.

   "For yelling at you earlier and for taking off. I-I do consider you my mom so I'm sorry. I shouldn't have but I just...."

   Mom pulls away from our hug and kisses my forehead. "You have nothing to apologize for sweetie. It was all a lot to take in. It was for all of us but I know it was worse for you. You have suffered too much loss already, more than you should have at such a young age but my daughter is a fighter. She will be okay, she will pull through. I'm sorry all of this has happened and it's not fair but remember everything happens for a reason. We will get through this as a family and be here for each other. Just remember you still have a wife and daughter that needs you and I love you sweetie."