in my wildest dreams - a taylor swift fanfiction

62 - darling let's run, run from it all

SKYLAR

I gazed at the photo of Josh and me on Jess and Harvey's couch and traced the features of my ex-boyfriend's smiling face. Jess had taken the picture for her photography class, and she had sent it to me in a frame a few weeks later. I still remembered her instructing us just how to sit and where to look, but despite Jess's instructions, Josh had somehow managed to sneak his arm around me without her noticing, and the photo captured the exact moment when I turned to smile at him for just a second.

Although we both looked happy in the picture, genuinely happy, a sense of uncertainty now lingered in my mind. Did he truly love me back then, or was it all just an act? I knew that believing it was all an act would be giving him way too much credit as he couldn't possibly be that good of an actor. I just couldn't pinpoint when everything had started to go downhill.

As I was cleaning out my room in an attempt to forget about Josh, I'd found his blue t-shirt that I had borrowed the first time I stayed at his house in the bottom of my drawer. I had meant to give it back to him a long time ago but had forgotten about it, and now I would probably never be able to bring myself to do it. It smelled so much like him that I had decided to put it on, and I was sitting on my bedroom floor in the t-shirt, looking through pictures of us together and the diary entries that I'd mentioned him in. I put the picture down and flipped through the diary to November 17, the day after our ice skating date. "He's afraid of losing me. I told him Zade's just a friend but I'm scared he'll push me away just like Connor did." I was halfway through reading it when I heard a knock on my door and turned to see Taylor leaning against the doorframe in jeans and a red cashmere sweater.

"Hi, what are you doing?" she asked before narrowing her eyes at me. "Don't tell me that's his t-shirt you're wearing?"

I didn't answer her but turned back to the diary and kept reading. Taylor sighed behind me.

"Joe and I are thinking of watching a movie. Wanna join us?"

"What movie?" I mumbled with my back turned to her.

"We haven't decided yet. We'll let you pick one if you want?"

I sighed and put the diary down on the floor, turning the proposal over in my head. The movie did sound like a nice distraction, and I nodded slightly.

"Great, see you out there when you're ready."

A week had passed since I last saw Josh and neither of us had tried to contact each other yet. The first two days were the hardest; I felt lost and alone without him, like he'd left a Josh-shaped hole in my heart. Since then, my mood had had its ups and downs with worse and better days. I woke up every morning going straight to my phone and expecting to see an apology text or a text from Jess telling me that Josh was as heartbroken as I was. Jess and I had talked since it happened, but Josh had apparently been avoiding her too.

Some days I woke up feeling almost relieved, only to have it all come crashing down again by mid-afternoon. Other days I woke up feeling numb, my mind going on autopilot and feeling like a part of me was missing. Right now, I felt like I was having one of my better days. I could look at pictures of him without breaking down, and the memory of his smile brought back a small glimmer of happiness. But I knew that this feeling could flip like a light switch, and I could start bawling my eyes out again at any moment.

I pulled my soft Lavender Flower hoodie on over Josh's t-shirt, picked up my phone, and slowly walked out into the living room. Joe and Taylor were waiting for me on the couch, and they both gave me a small smile as I settled down in between them underneath my RED blanket.

"Can we watch something that isn't sad or mushy, please?" I asked, sinking down on the couch so that I could lean my head back against the backrest but still be able to see the screen.