Deathless

Chapter 6: Millie

The atrium of the Royal Academy is packed with folding tables, and enough posters, paper bags and leaflets to make you wonder if these people had ever heard of climate change. The vast room is buzzing with life. New students like me make their way around, peering into shiny faces as they talk animatedly about the debate society or football team or drama club. The stale scent of people just dragged out of bed, stuffing their bodies into yesterday's clothes, saturates the space. The room is an architectural beauty, domed-glass roof, sunlight striking ivory-shaded statues, and carvings. It seems wrong to hide it behind bunting and balloons. But everyone else seems happy enough. Their smiling faces and chiming giggles, whether real or fake, were more than I could force across my aching jaw.

Where was the club for people who didn't know how to be anymore? Where was the club for the lost?

Fresher's week is really just about events like this, rooms like this one. Electrified with nervous and excited energy. Of people trying on new roles until they find one that fits. I didn't know how to do that. I wasn't sure if I even remembered how to try. It had been six years since I'd been like the people here, just another face in the crowd. Before Mum got sick and the most stressful thing I had to deal with was homework and the occasional unrequited crush.

I want to run. My whole body is on high alert, like I wanted to bolt back to safety at any moment. With every painful breath, I remind myself why I'm here. Why I'm choosing to be here. I want to take photos and be back in a stuffy, pungent darkroom. I want fingertips blackened with charcoal and oil stains on my clothes. I want to create. All the things that made my heart soar once. It was everything that came with it I didn't want.

Head down, I slip through the crowd, snippets of conversations and playful banter shoving their way into my ears. New people awkwardly getting to know each other, those familiar catching up after a summer absence.

"... oh my god, where have you been? I split up with Joshua like weeks ago. I'm seeing Danny now..."

"... I still can't believe she told Mona about me and Anthony! Especially after I saw what she and Sadie got up to at her party..."

Sighing, I tug at the straps of my backpack and keep walking, keeping my attention on getting to my first seminar. It's just an intro, nothing important, but my stomach feels heavy with sloshing worries. I keep my head down. Nobody seems to notice me and I'm happy that way. They all seem light, fresh-faced and new. I feel old. Years of caring for mum had taken something away from me. I knew that, and more heartbreakingly, so did she. I wasn't the girl I was. I wasn't a girl at all anymore. And coming here was as much for her as it was for me.

Slicing through the crowd, gaining a few filthy looks as I do, I rush through the open double doors and into the fierce sunlight. I draw the fresh air into my lungs, feeling immediately lighter. I sink down on the stone steps, ignoring the chattering groups lingering around me. Ahead of me, a fountain bubbles across the street. Cars make their way up the road, their journeys slowed by the dozens of students crossing their path on their way to, or from, this building. I should move and make my way to my seminar, but right now, with the warm stone beneath my legs, I can't seem to make myself take a step.

"Then why are we here?" A whiny voice and two pairs of clomping heels smash into my quiet thoughts. A moment later, I realise why. Peering up, haloed by the sun, I see two slender girls, long hair styled immaculately around their shoulders in fat curls. Crop tops reveal toned tanned stomachs. My body freezes.

"Samira's working a shift in the union. I said we'd meet her before..." A few more clacks and then a shadow blocks out the sunlight, turning my world cold. "Oh, my god... Millie?! It's you?" Peering from the gaps between my fingers, I look up and see Chloe grinning at me through a mouthful of pink lipstick.