Behind The Alpha Book 4 CASS

Chapter 17

(Chapter song ‘Unlovable’ by Diamante)
CASS

Can I just say, that despite what people tell me, I really believe I have a connection to Ember on some level? 
I mean, she may have kissed me with a love kiss, but I feel different.  Ok, I’ve never been kissed by a love bug before so, I have nothing to compare it to, but the feelings inside are not the same.
I don’t feel the desperation I once did.  I don’t feel the same fear or loneliness.  I feel the desire to get to know her rather than worrying about solidifying her in my life with attachments, if that makes any sense. 
I like this feeling and I don’t want it end, but it’s clear she does. 
A mistake.  I’m always a mistake.  I can see I’ll be at square one after this arrow is made.  She’ll leave and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.  All I can do is help her like I promised.  Even if I’m making my own noose to hang myself with.  I want to do this for her. 
After this, I’m done.  I can’t do this anymore.  When a cosmic being doesn’t even want you, it’s clear that there’s people that don’t get mates at all.  I guess there has to be some sitting on the benches cheering on the players, I just wish it wasn’t me. 
I walk into the pack house and throw my coat on a hook.  Ember walks in behind me. 
“I’m going for a shower.”  I mumble.  I want to mope in peace. 
“Cass, wait.”  She says to my back.
I stop and turn.  “Yeah?”
She steps up to me.  “I just want to say, I know this is hard for you.  It feels bad to fight your feelings like this, but I want you to know it’s for the best.” 
I look down and nod.  “I get that.  You know what?  It’s fine.  I’m just not deserving of love.  I see that now.”
“No, Cass.  That’s not what…”  She reaches for me and I back away.
“No…it’s…it’s OK.  I understand.  My destiny isn’t meant to be loved.  It’s fine.  I accept it.  Hey,”  I smile.  “Just means I’m meant for bigger things right?”
Her face falls and her blue eyes blink at me.  “Right.” 
“I’ll be in the shower.”  I thumb over my shoulder and walk backwards.  I spin and walk down the hall. 
I walk into my room and shut the door.  I put my forehead on the door and go to punch it, but hesitate.  I gently press my knuckles to it as think about the huge ass lie I just told out there. 
It's not fine.  It won’t ever be fine.  I said I couldn’t deal with another year of this and I meant it.  I can’t.  What does that mean?  I don’t know.  Maybe, if I’m meant to be by myself, I should truly be by myself.  Just walk away.  Away from everything.  Disappear and never come back.  At least the rogue sickness can mask the pain of this and I’ll never have to worry about being alone again.  I’ll be too sick to care.  I’ll be too mentally damaged to care that I’m completely unlovable and that’s there’s no one in this world or the cosmos that wants me. 
I push off the door and strip my clothes off.  In the shower, I hang my head and let the water flow over my shoulders. 
She’s right.  It does feel wrong to fight my feelings.  It feels bad to run around piecing together the weapon that will destroy what I’m feeling.  My emotions are rocking inside me and everything in my being is telling me to stop it, but I can’t.  I have to give Ember what she wants.  I love her that much.  I have no stand to fight or argue.  I have to accept it as the person who loves her without fault. 
She knows what she wants.  It’s just not me.
I towel off and throw on some boxers when my bedroom door opens. 
Ember eyes me and our gazes meet.  I try to hide my feelings as quickly as I can.  I smile and pull up my track pants.  “You need something?”
She clears her throat and folds her arms.  “Valentino is on a mission.  We have a few hours.  We need to go.” 
I pull on a t-shirt.  “Sure.  Just let me get my shoes on.” 
“No time.”  She strides over to me and grabs my arm. 
In a blink, I’m standing in Valentinos office, dripping wet and in bare feet.  “His floor is cold.”  I grumble as I wiggle my toes on the hardwood. 
She glances at me.  “Sorry.  It’s a bit chilly in the Cosmos.” 
I scrub my head and follow her to his desk.  She sits in his chair and pulls up his screen on the red monitor.  She calls up the password screen.  She types a few words in and comes up denied.  “Shit.  He must of changed it.” 
“You knew his passwords?”  I lean on the chair and desk, over her shoulder by her head.
“Yeah.  I did a bit of personal assisting when I started out.  He’s usually predictable.  Saint, love, heartthrob…Nothings working.”  She says as she leans back.
I lean over her shoulder more, staring at the blinking cursor.  “Devotion.” 
“What?”  She turns to me.
I look at her.  “Try it.”  I nod as I bite my lip.
She sits up and types it in.  Access granted.  “How did you…”
I stand and shrug.  “I don’t know.  I just…listened to my heart…”  I turn and walk away, picking up a heart shaped paperweight and tossing it from hand to hand as I walk to the couch and sit. 
I prop my bare feet on his coffee table and lean my head back, listening to her type away.  Every keystroke is reminder that I’m closer to being alone.  I can only pray she doesn’t find a mating pair.
“Got one.”
Damn.
She calls me over and I get up with a sigh.  I slowly walk up behind her.  On the screen is a guy and girl.  Their pictures are side by side.  They look…happy.
“This was a Eros match.  He’s a soldier and got called before they had a chance to mark, but the destiny outline says it’s happening tonight.”  She looks at her phone.  “We need to go.”  She downloads the file into her phone and logs off. 
She spins around in her chair and arches a brow at me.  I look down at my bare toes and back up.  “Can I get some shoes first?”
She smirks.  “Yes, we can stop for shoes.”  She grabs my arm and we blink home. 
After I finish cleaning myself up, we blink to a street in a town named Eden.  Oliver’s pack.  He took over when his dad Alpha Fredericks retired to White Rock.  His pack is…not really the Garden you’d expect.  The Alpha and his brothers are not the kind you want to associate with.  I just hope we don’t run into him while we’re here.  Oliver may be a professional douche at work, but in his pack, he’s down right evil.  How he’s never been classified as a baddie, I don’t know.  Maybe it’s one of those keep your enemies closer things.  To be honest, I can’t believe we’re even finding true love here.  Oliver is more of “I’ll love you if I get something out of it" kind of guy.
We stand outside a house and on the second floor we can see them in the light of the room.  Things are, shall I say, heated.  Their window is open and we can definitely hear what’s going on. 
“Wow…buddies got it bad.”  Embers brows shoot up as her moans reach our ears. 
“It’s a mating.  Of course he does.”  I kind of get lost as I think about what this represents.  A life forever.  “So what do we do now?” 
Ember turns and sits on the sidewalk beside a parked car.  “Now…we wait.” 
I turn.  “We’re just going to hang out and watch them have sex?” 
She nods.  “Yep.”  She says popping the ‘p'.
I tick my head, sigh and sink down beside her.  I kick my legs out and put my hands in my jacket pockets.  I don’t stare, but I don’t look away either.  I’ve had more than my fair share of fantasies about my marking.  How special and rare it is to find that one person that completes you.  Your best friend and lover.  Someone you can trust with your feelings and heart.  A bond that’s so strong, not even a nullifying arrow can break it. 
I listen to the I love yous and words of gentle love making and my heart kind of aches. 
She rolls her head to me.  “What’s it like?”
I roll my head to her.  “What? The mate bond?”
“Yeah.”
I roll my head back.  “I don’t know.  No one talks about it.”
“Why not?”
I turn back to her.  “Because it’s slightly different for everyone, I think.  There’s also feelings that feel so similar, it’s crushing when the moon tells you, you were wrong.  So, I guess to spare people, it’s best to just keep it to yourself.”
She turns to me.  “What do you think it’s like?” 
I sit and think.  “I think…it’s like everything just disappears.  You want so much you can taste it.  You get hooked and pulled in.  You meet and the only thing you think is…this is the reason I existed.  Was for her.  Everything that happened up to that point was to make her happy.  Everything you want to do from that point is to make her feel what you do.  Complete.  Whole.  The only thing you want to do is to never let her feel alone or scared or unloved.  It doesn’t matter what happens to you as long you love her with everything you have.”
She turns away and looks at the window.  “That’s beautiful.”  She says quietly. 
I pick at the sidewalk.  “I believe it’s the truth and you can’t mask that.”
“But you can have all that then he takes it, crushes it in his hand and lays the pieces at your feet.  He pushes you away and you feel like you’re falling…spiraling out of control.”  I see her swallow and look down. 
I lean back on the car.  I pause for a moment.  “She rips your chest open like it was nothing.  She practically smiles as she crushes you into the ground.  She looks you directly in the eye and destroys you.” 
We both turn to each other. 
“The cracks are small at first.  You think…I got this.  It’s OK.  But as you process, the cracks get bigger and bigger…More and more cracks start to grow…”
I meet her eyes.  “Then the snapping starts.  You feel it.  Each time, it hits you like a dagger.”
“You think…I can still do this…I can…”
“Then you can’t.”
“That’s when your heart just…”
“Boom.”  We both explode our fingers out in front of us and say at the same time. 
“Shattered pieces of a pathetic existence.”  I turn away and watch the window. 
“Cass…”  She starts.
“They’re ready.”  I point and nod as I see a flash of glowing eyes. 
She looks up. 
“Whatever you’re going to do, you better do it now.”  I mutter. 
She nods and stands. 
I stand too as she blinks out.  I see him marking her.  I run my tongue across my teeth.  What I wouldn’t give to feel that.  It must be intense as hell. 
I see him pull out and Ember appear.  They scream and she reaches out.  She disappears and reappears on the sidewalk.  She produces a vial with a drop of blood in it.  “I got it.”  She smiles she grabs my arm.
“Wait.  Did she get her mark?”  I ask as I look up to the window.
“Hey, asshole!”  The man hangs out the window.  The girl is pacing behind him.  She’s on a phone.
“Uh…sure.  I think so.”  Ember pants.
“You think so?”  I glare at her. 
Sirens sound up the street. 
“We got to go.  It’ll be fine.”  She grabs my arm again.
The front door opens.  “Come here, you sick fuck!” 
My eyes widen.  “Yep.  Let’s go.” 
We blink out just as Enforcer cars show up.  We land in my pack house.  She lifts the vile of blood to her eyes.  “One more down.”  She says.
“I’m going to bed.”  I turn and walk away.
“Cass…”
“Goodnight, Ember.”  I don’t even look at her. 
I roll onto my bed and turn my head to my window.  The moon hints behind the trees. 
I roll onto my side.  “I can do this…”
I feel the cracks.
“I got this.  I just have to stop feeling.  That’s all.”  I roll back onto my back and stare at the ceiling.  “If I don’t feel, it can’t hurt when it shatters right?”  I turn my head back to the moon.  “Right?” 
I sit up and rest my arm on my knees.  I drop my cheek on them, staring at the moon.  “Who the fuck am I kidding…”