Nobody Like You

COVID Fucked Me Over

Yeju

You know you're in trouble when Victoria comes to find you herself to talk to you.

And today, she is waiting for me in the office.

The three other graduate students are already there—I am always the last to arrive and the last to leave—and talking to Victoria with alarm bells ringing in their eyes. As I enter the room, Darren casts a warning glance at me.

Oh, I'm in big trouble, aren't I?

Victoria's amicable smile fades when she notices me.

"Good morning, Yeju. Let's chat in my office."

Dread crawls all over my gut. As I follow Victoria out of the office, I can feel everyone's gaze on me, staring at me from the lab space or their office. I can hear Gabby's signature loud voice as he exclaims, "Holy shit, what did Yeju do?"

I know what I did. I know what this is about.

And I am filled with shame.

Entering the spacious room, I sit at the table while Victoria settles into the seat across from me. And she goes straight to the point.

"Yesterday, I presented your project to Lia because you told me you wanted an undergraduate student to help you out, and I thought that was a good idea too. When Lia chose your project, I was relieved because I know how good you are at teaching the younger graduate students." She leans forward, resting her arms on the table. "So why is it that I've been hearing that you were mistreating Lia in the lab? Screaming at her? Do you care to explain, Yeju?"

I hang my head, unsure of what to say. Lia's tearful eyes from yesterday wash into my mind, and my body digs into the chair from the weight of that memory.

"Sorry," I mumble, "it was a mistake."

Victoria frowns. "It's a mistake that should have never been made, Yeju. What if Lia gets scarred from the experience and never wants to work in a lab anymore? What if she stops pursuing research because of this? Or stops being interested in science? Or stops trying new things at all? As a mentor, you hold a lot more responsibility, and your mistakes will be costly. And that's a young talent you're chasing away because of your mistake."

I swallow the lump in my throat. Victoria has a point. What I did would've driven anyone away. Anyone but Lia.

"It won't happen again," I croak.

"I know it won't." Victoria leans back against her chair. "Because I emailed Lia this morning. I told her she can change the project and get herself a different mentor."

My heart plunges to my stomach. Change... project? So Lia won't be working with me anymore?

No, I deserve this. Lia shouldn't want to work with me anymore. And I want her to choose a different project anyway. I wanted her out of my life. Right?

"I haven't received her reply yet, but I'm hoping she will choose another project instead of leaving the lab altogether." She pauses, taking in a long breath. "I'm very disappointed in you, Yeju."

That sentence is a punch to my face. To hear this from an advisor I respect, from the person who has seen both my achievements and my struggles, is soul-crushing. I want to tell her everything, how Lia helped break my parents' relationship, how it angers me to see her talk to Chloe yesterday, how she reminds me of my painful summer back home.

But these are stupid reasons and I know it.

"I'm sorry, Victoria..." I choke out as I blink the sting away from my eyes.