PAINTED LOVE

THREE

loïse madden

. . . . . .

I walk into physics class, fully prepared to have failed this test we did a week ago. It would be determining 50% of my final grade. I had studied for days, and yet, I still think I failed. I convince myself that even if I get a D, I may still be able to work it up to a B if my other tests are good? But I know I'll probably need some time to recover if I actually get a D. Physics is a pretty important subject in my medicine major. I really cannot fail this class.

What if I fail physics? Do I get thrown out of med school, then? They can't do that, right? God, I'd miss skills lab so much.

I take a seat next to Crystal, who's tapping her fingers on the desk in front of her. I know she's as stressed as I am, since she's been talking about it all day.

I know Crystal will ace this test. She's going to make such a great surgeon, I don't even doubt that.

Miss Greenwood starts handing out our tests. Everytime she walks closer and closer to me. When she hands a paper back to a student, all they do is sigh or squeal. I'll be squealing, I'll be squealing, I'll be-

I sigh. Dammit.

B minus.

I hear Crystal squealing next to me. "Loïse, look! A-freaking-minus! How- oh...", she says, taking a look at my grade.

Yes, oh.

"Loïse, it's not that bad, it's... A B minus. You'll be able to work that grade up with the rest of your tests."

I remain silent. I appreciate Crystal trying to comfort me right now, but I'm fearing those other tests even more than I feared this one. So I don't think I'll be able to work this grade up. It's just... such a freakin' hard subject. I wasn't really good at physics during high school either, but it was never a really big deal.

Right now, I really am trying my best not to freaking cry. Crystal isn't really helping by constantly telling me it's 'okay' and that I 'will get the grade up'. But she doesn't understand this. Med school is my only chance of being able to live a good life in the future. My parents are in so much debt to be able to pay for my education to become a surgeon. I can't let them down.

I already feel guilty enough for having them pay college for me. I'd actually drown in guilt if I would drop out now because of physics and have them have lost all their money on an education I didn't even finish. Have them waste everything.

I never really grew up poor. I was never hungry, I always had clean clothes and I had a roof above my head. But I knew that it wasn't always easy for my parents to maintain that. My mom works as a cassier in the local grocery store and my dad had a nine-to-five job at this office. I don't really know what he does there but I know it's boring and a lot of paperwork.

They, sometimes, used to fight because of financial problems. When it was my birthday, they couldn't afford to gift me big things. I never expected them to, but when I noticed the difference between me and my classmates in primary school, I got dissapointed.

I hate myself for feeling like that now. Yes, I was a kid but still. A friend of mine back then, called Marion, went to the restaurant for her birthday and afterwards, they held a birthday party with the rest of her family. She would get loads of money and gifts, like expensive trips to wherever, or a puppy.

We used to go to Mc Donald's for my birthday and afterwards I got the little toy that would be in my Happy Meal and a barbie that mom would have taken with her from the grocery store.