Ad Astra

Chapter 34

The following twenty-four hours pass in a blur, my memories of them fragmented. I remember briefly making eye contact with Kiana as we left the meeting room, handing Felicity my keys, hoisting Asteria's suitcase onto the train, and tossing and turning in the bed that Asteria and I shared in Okchester. I had assumed our journey home would be joyous, but Asteria remained quiet, and I have grown distant too, knowing that I have now resolved to murder her family members.

When we do finally arrive back to Esterpool the following evening, my limbs are heavy, and my eyes are tired from the sleep I failed to get the night before. The sun is beginning to set as I help bring Asteria's luggage into her chambers. She thanks me quietly. They are the most words she has spoken to me in the past day.

"Arabelle should be coming soon to dress you for bed soon," I tell Asteria.

"Okay," she says.

I want to reach out and touch her, kiss her between her brows and tell her how much I love her, but I think it is best I keep my distance from her for now. Which is why, I shakily inhale as I say my next words.

"I think I will sleep in my own bed tonight, if that is okay with you."

Asteria looks at me, but there is no betrayal in her eyes. She only accepts the words and nods.

"Yes. You must be tired, after all. I will see you in the morning, then?" she asks.

"Of course," I respond. "Be sure to rest up in that time."

"I will," she says.

Then, I cannot help myself. I lean forward to kiss her, just briefly. She returns my kiss, but not with her usual vivacity. It seems we are both tired from the events of the past week.

"Good night," I say.

"Good night, Fe," she responds.

It feels strange when I close the door behind me. For weeks now, Asteria's bed has been equally my own, but now, I wander towards my own bedroom that has been utterly foreign to me for as long as I have had it. I let out a sigh as I enter and trace my hand over the bedsheets. One of the maids must have come in and replaced them while I was gone. They are softer than I remember last leaving them.

Once I change out of my maid's uniform and into my nightgown, I stare at my bed. Though I am utterly exhausted, I am not too sure I want to sleep just yet. My gaze keeps lingering to the door, knowing that I can return to Asteria's bedroom at any time, but I cannot justify it, even if it hurts me so.

The assassination is one month away. Even if Asteria were spared, even if we were to maintain contact afterwards, why would she want anything to do with me? I exist now only to betray her, even if my love for her is just as real.

Rather than forcing myself to sleep, I grab a piece of parchment from my desk drawer and begin drafting a letter to my mother:

Dearest Elsie, I begin.

I have just returned from my trip to Magewell! Unfortunately, the princess was not feeling well, so the trip was cut two days short, but I enjoyed myself immensely in that time. Not only did I get to explore many regions of the castle, but I got to sit in on royal meetings each morning. It seems the Magnuvian army is growing stronger than ever, and they will be recruiting even more soldiers soon, many from Landiani. I also had the pleasure of meeting King Ruben and Prince Stephan for the first time. They are certainly commanding forces.

During my visit, I additionally was able to reunite with Haukea. She has a strong relationship with the royals and an excellent understanding of the castle. She took great pride in giving me tours during my visit. I am sure she will have much to share with you when she next writes. We are hoping to reunite in a month's time at the castle once more if the princess can give me time off.