My Heart's in Alabama

16 - Matt

I'm about a quarter the way through my math homework when Kiersten calls me. Of course, I want to pick-up right away, but I let it ring a couple times. My eyes keep drawing back to my homework. This thing is due tomorrow, I barely have it half-finished, I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm majorly stressing out. I give it one last thought before I say screw it and pick up the phone.

"Hi Matty."

"Hey."

My eyes wander down to my textbook and the guilt hits me. I promised my dad no more late assignments. The thought lingers, but I push it aside. Whatever, I've got time.

I shut my textbook and push it off to the side. It can wait until my mom is off work. Once she's back, she'll help me get it done.

"What's up?"

"Welllll..." Kiersten says real slow and drawn out like.

Oh shit. This ain't gonna be good.

"What's it now?"

"Promise you won't get mad."

"I..."

It's a loaded statement that trips me up a bit. Of course, I could never be mad at her for all this. It's not her fault my family is so screwed up. But I already know what she's going to say. Your parents aren't going to get back together. You're being unrealistic. Your family has changed, Matty, and it's never going to be the same as it was.

I hate it. I hate having this conversation. Mostly, because, I don't know, doesn't she think that I've had all these exact thoughts? Doesn't she know that I know my mom has let me down? Multiple times. I'm not denying it, I just, I need to believe. How am I gonna let go of something I've been missing for so long? Longing for, wishing for, hoping for, praying for.

Does she make me mad? Do I get disappointed? Hell yeah I do. But goddammit, she's my mom.

"Can we please not have this conversation?"

Kiersten sighs and stops for a second, but I know she's gonna say what she wants to say. I'm not mad about it. Tired maybe. I know she's trying to help, but I don't have it in me.

"She's not that bad," Kiersten rushes through what she's saying. She wants to get it out before I stop her. "Actually, she's really cool and smart and really nice. I think her and your dad..."

"Please, Kiers, stop," I practically beg. It's pathetic, I know it is.

"I know you don't want to hear it, but..."

Kiersten's cut off but the swinging open of the door. It's my mom. She's home from work.

"I gotta go, okay? My mom's home and I got homework I gotta do. I'll talk to you later."

I hear her say my name to stop me from hanging up. I hate to do it. It hurts so bad, but she's right. I don't want to hear it.

"Hi honey," she says and leans over my shoulder. "Whatcha got there? Math?"

"Yeah, um, can you help me?"

She gives a half-hearted "sure" and pulls her phone out of her pocket to answer a quick text. Then another. And another.

"Just give me a second, okay?"

"Yeah, totally."

She goes into the other room and I wait. It feels like it takes forever, but she comes back.

"Okay, let's see here."

She opens my textbook and gives herself a quick overview of what's going on.

"Oh, this isn't so bad," she says with a smile. "We'll be done in no time."

We work through it together. She explains everything and in a way I can actually understand. Sitting at the dining room table, working together, it's moments like this that remind me why I can't let go. It seems like she's not there, and then all of the sudden, she is. That's what Kiersten doesn't get. She doesn't see this. She doesn't see these moments when everything is good and right. I just need to find some way for it to be like this all the time.

"Hey, um," I say gently. "You know Drew's birthday is coming up soon."

"Oh, yeah, that's right. 10 years, huh?"

See, she remembers.

"Yeah, he's getting old," I joke. "It's kinda crazy."

"They grow up fast."

"Yeah," I laugh and then get serious again. "So, uh, my dad's throwing him a birthday party. Any chance we could go?"

"Of course," my mom says without hesitation.

My heart jumps. I knew she wouldn't miss it.

But then...

"I'm sure we can coordinate something with your dad to get you home."

It sticks out like a sore thumb. You home. Not us. You.

"No, uh, like we both go."

There's a slight confusion that hits her face mixed with concern. She quickly tries to correct and hide it, but it's becoming obvious that going home for Drew's birthday was nowhere in her plans. I gotta fix this.

"I know it's a long drive and all, but..."

I hesitate to say it. It's tough. I'd really be putting myself out there. I have to though.

"It would really mean a lot to me."

The room goes silent. My mom contemplates, but doesn't say a word. Still, she's holding back. But why? Doesn't she want to be there?

"Okay," she says strongly and definitively. "I'll be there."

She smiles at me and gives me the reassurance I need. Might have taken her a second, but she did it. She made the right choice.

"It'll be fun," she smiles, actually getting excited about the idea. "A little mother-son road trip."

"Yeah," I say, my own spirits lifting. "For sure. Just don't make me listen to Britney Spears."

"Oh, come on," she jokes. "What's a road trip without a little Britney Spears?"

My mom laughs and nudges me on the shoulder.

"I know you love her," she winks.

Here's another one. Those moments. The reason I can't let go.

"I don't know about you, but I'm starved. Chinese?"

"Ooo," I say, my mouth already watering. "Yes, please."

"That's what I thought."

My mom starts to get up from the table to get the menu from the kitchen. I don't know why, but my heart tugs and stings. Something about her getting up from the table and leaving, even if it's just to another room, strikes me with doubt. It's like, as soon as she gets up, this moment will be over and along with it those good feelings of security.

"Mom?"

She stops in her tracks.

"Promise me you'll go?"

Her face softens into a gentle smile. She walks back to me and runs her fingers through my hair.

"I promise."

There's another. That makes three today. Just gotta keep going until I don't have to count anymore, because there'll be too many.