A Fool in Korea

Asshole

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty dump. A geezer in his 60s from Seoul decided to go out with his buddies to get skunked on soju. Well, gramps became drunk and unruly, and two police officers with the love of Jesus in their hearts led him back to his apartment complex. But the cops didn't stick around long enough to ensure his safety. And that's when disaster struck. The poor fool fell asleep on the staircase and froze to death due to the frigid temperatures.  This happens from time to time on the peninsula. The alcohol flows a little too freely amongst the citizens.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger. 

I said, "How's your Mexican husband doing?"

"He's fine. In fact, he's out walking the dogs."

"So his heart's OK?"

She shrugged. "I haven't got a clue. All I know is that they put him on new medicine, so we have to go back in six months to get a check up. If he's still alive."

I laughed out loud. "I'm sure he'll be fine."

"Well, the old man is 85, and this thing we call life doesn't last forever."

I changed the subject. "What about your urinary tract infection? Are you feeling better?"

Mom shrugged again. "I take my pills daily and hope for the best."

"And my boy?"

She took a sip from a can of Coke. "Ken's doing fine. He's talking about becoming an officer in the Air Force after he graduates from college."

"Ken's joining the fucking Air Force? Then why does he want me and Larry to come back to Texas if he's not even going to be there?"

"I dunno. But he misses you both very much."

Later that morning, I took Larry to another office to knock out our tax problem. We needed a copy of the family registry in order to prove that I have dependents. When you're married to a Korean, you can't file your taxes without this document. But the lady behind the desk wouldn't give it to us. She said that my wife has to show up in person.

Rice-Boy became quite flustered. "Shit, Dad. What are we gonna do?"

I patted him on the ass. "Relax. We'll get through this."

We went to a local convenience store to buy cleaning supplies. I can no longer scrub my bathrooms in the usual fashion after blowing the fuse last Sunday. So now I'm going to have to do it by hand using plenty of sponges and scouring pads.

Larry gave his mom a call as we walked up and down the aisles. I could hear her screaming at him in Korean over the phone. Then his eyes filled with tears, and he began cursing loudly in English.

I grabbed him by the front of his shirt. "Listen. I've been married to that crazy bitch for twenty-five years, and I can't begin to tell you how many scenes she created while we were out in public. It was downright embarrassing. I'm too old for the drama. Now get ahold of yourself and control those emotions."

"She told me that she ain't coming unless you give her money."

I shot him a toothy grin. "No big deal. Like I said before, we'll get through it."

I got in touch with the Dragon Lady later that night and told her my plans. She has two days to get me the document, and if she refuses to do so, then I'll report her to the police. This won't be the first time that I've called the cops on my wife. But you can't pussyfoot with the crazy bitch. Being an asshole is the only language she understands. And fortunately I'm fluent in asshole.