A Fool in Korea

Melonie Hicks

Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. with a huge hangover. So I walked outside for a coffee and a cigarette. It didn't help. In fact, I was forced to pop a couple of Tylenol for relief. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. Two foreigners with parachutes travelled to Pusan and climbed to the top of the city's highest building. And you guessed it. They jumped and pulled the cords. Not to worry. Nobody died. Yet the police are fucking pissed. Big Brother is now scouring the peninsula to punish the men for their mischief. 

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, "How are things going for you?"

I shook my head. "Not too good."

"What's the problem?"

I sighed heavily. "It's my so-called writing career. I'm afraid my dream is in the toilet. Do you know how much I made this month?"

"No. How much?"

I sighed again. "$1.27."

"Well, perhaps you should look at it more as a hobby than a career."

I took a sip of water from a plastic bottle. "That sounds good on paper. But the guys who currently follow my blog are a bunch of retards and fuckheads. They only serve to contribute to my huge stress levels."

"A bunch of assholes, huh?"

I nodded in agreement. "All they do is bitch. The other day, my internet was on the fritz. So I couldn't post for 48 hours." I paused for dramatic effect. "One guy called me a loser who intentionally blows up my own work. But here's the thing. Over the last six years, I've written more than 700,000 words. What more can I do?"

I took a hot shower and tried to beat my meat. Yet I couldn't get it up. Then I cleaned both my bathrooms, scrubbing the floors while on my hands and knees. After that, it was time for laundry. I had two huge loads that needed attention. That monumental task took nearly three hours.

Rice-Boy Larry didn't climb out of bed until 3 p.m. He had spent the previous evening playing computer games.

I said, "You must be starving. Do you want some breakfast?"

He turned up his nose at my suggestion. "I'm not the least bit hungry."

So I sat on the sofa and watched Fox News. Nikki Haley keeps telling everybody that she has a real shot at winning the Republican nomination. However, she's significantly behind in every state in the union. Nikki was crying because Trump said something about her husband. Her tears seemed genuine, but it's tough to tell with someone like Haley. She's just another transactional politician who would literally suck Orange Donald's cock for a shot at VP. But I'm biased. I find the woman disgusting.

At 6 p.m., I took Rice-Boy Larry to our favorite restaurant for super-spicy chicken. I drank a pitcher of beer as I chomped on the poultry.

I said, "There's something wrong with my head."

Larry said, "What's the problem?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I have no fucking idea. Yesterday, I took a pastor to dinner and insulted him during the entire meal."

"What did you say?"

"I told him that nobody takes him seriously because he dresses like a clown. I also said that he's too stand-offish and that he should make an attempt to mingle with the people."

Larry popped a piece of chicken in his mouth. "Maybe you did him a favor."

"I don't think so. If the truth be known, I probably hurt his feelings. Sometimes, it's better to keep your mouth shut."

We got home at 8 p.m., and I went to my room to view pornography. There's a hot skank named Melonie Hicks who really floats my boat. She's a woman in her late 30s with a huge set of tits and a delicious big ass. She's far from a traditional beauty, but there's something about her that really turns me on. I had a great time.