Love me, Rosalie

2

"what would you name your child?" tanong ni Mariana.

"I can't have kids"

"Come on, wag kang nega Rosela" she smiled to her friend.

"Ikaw? Anong ipapangalan mo sa anak mo?"

"So easy, If I'll have a girl. I'll name her after you. Rosalie, beautiful just like a rose"

DOS

I was eight when I lost mama.

I couldn't forget how mama cried every night. Wala akong maintindihan sa mga nangyayari. I woke up from the hospital but I never saw papa again.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ko na siya nakita. Gabi gabi akong umiiyak, hinahanap si papa. I would go to mama's room with my blanket to ask if I could sleep with her kaso umiiyak din siya.

Kaya nasa pinto lang ako nakatayo, umiiyak mag isa. Ang huli kong naalala ay ang truck at ang pagyakap ni papa sa akin. Aunt Martina told me papa went to heaven.

Papa died at hindi na siya babalik pa. It was my fault. Umiyak ako ng umiyak dahil sa nalaman. I wanted to tell mama I was sorry pero hindi ako makalapit sa kanya. She was always in bed. She was not even eating. The house is a mess.

I am always hungry. Minsan natutulog akong gutom.

Isang araw bumisita si Aunt Martina and Uncle Markus. Nakita nila ang sitwasyon naming dalawa.

Hindi ko malilimutan ang matatalim na titig sa akin ng tiyuhin ko. I feel so sad. Ang laki ng kasalanan ko. Kung hindi ako bumili... Pinigilan ko ang paghikbi. Namimiss ko na si papa. Namimiss ko na rin si mama.

"We'll pack your things now, Rose. Sa bahay na kayo titira" sabi sa akin ni Auntie. Tumango lang ako habang tumutulo ang luha. "Wala kang kasalanan.. Okay?" lalo lang akong naiyak.

Tumulo na ang mga luha ko. I wanted someone to comfort me. I needed a hug. Parang naibsan ang lungkot at sakit nang yakapin niya ako ng mahigpit.

"I'm s-sorry... Sorry" I said in between sobs.

"Wala kang kasalanan... Shh" her comforting words were urging my tears to come out more.

"Anong wala?! That child killed her father-"

"Pwede ba Markus? Why don't you just pack Mariana's things so we can leave this place" she turned to me and told me to pack my things kasi aalis kami. She pushed me inside my room and closed the door. Sa lakas ng boses nila, naririnig ko ang pagtatalo nila.

"At isasama yang batang yan?? Are you out of your mind?"

"Iiwan natin ang bata? Nasaan ang kunsensiya mo?"

"All these mess happened because of that child. E kung hindi sila nagplanong pumuntang kung saan sa kaarawan niya edi sana buhay pa si Rafael. Hindi mawawalan ang kapatid natin. These happened because of that child's greed"

My greed

"Naririnig mo ba ang sarili mo?! Why are blaming an innocent child? Anak pa ni Mariana! My god!"

"His child! Martina!" sigaw ni tito pabalik.

My greed. I choked back the tear and slowly went to gather my things. Sabi ni papa sundin ko ang utos ng mga mas nakatatanda sa akin. I'm a good girl. I follow what I was told to do.

I am

"P-papa.. M-mama" pagtawag ko sa kanila sa mahinang boses.

My world changed so fast. Lumipat kami sa bahay ng lolo at lola ko. Their house was huge. Minsan lang kaming bumibisita sa bahay nila kasi busy sina mama and they weren't exactly friendly. I always feel they weren't welcoming.

Mula noong lumipat kami ng buhay. Minsan ko nalang makita si mama. Nakabukod kasi ako ng kwarto. Whenever I get nightmares in the middle of the night I walk out of my room to visit my mom's room and sleep outside her door.

The thought that I'm close to her gave me comfort kahit nasa labas lang ako ng kwarto niya. Alam ko namang nasa loob lang siya. Natatakot akong baka isang araw ako naman ang iwan niya.

And I'll be all alone.

I promise, I won't be greedy anymore. I won't ask for anything. I just want to keep my mom with me. Kahit ayaw na niya sa akin.

Sabi ni papa, she will come around. Bigyan ko lang siya ng oras paniguradong mamahalin niya rin ako ulit. She will look at me like before. She will smile at me like she used to.

I won't be greedy.

She's all I have.

But time didn't heal her broken heart. Instead she went farther and farther away from me.

My aunt told me to let her be. Kasi nagluluksa pa rin si mama sa pagkawala ni papa. Gawin ko lang ang best ko sa lahat. Be better in school, be a good girl at home. Tatlo lang ang trabaho ko. Be an achiever sl that my mama can be proud, be a good so that mama will be happy and be invisible para hindi ma trigger ang panics ni mama.

She explained that I trigger her trauma. Kaya mas mabuting malayo muna ako sa kanya. As much as possible hindi niya ako makita.

Pero...

Nawalan din naman ako. Kailangan ko rin ng pagmamahal at aruga gaya nang natatanggap ng ibang bata. Gustong gusto ko na siyang mayakap kahit saglit lang. Gusto ko siyang makausap kahit isang beses lang marinig ko lang ang boses niya.

Saglit lang... Nangungulila ako sa yakap niya.

"You are blaming your child?" narinig kong tanong ni Tiya Martina. I was at the door listening.

"its her fault Martina"

"Shut up Maureen, you were blaming an eight years old for something she didn't mean"

"Why are you even defending her? Hindi naman siya inaabuso rito sa bahay a? She's well fed. Went to an expensive school, may baon. What more can she ask for? Only an ungrateful child will complain"

I won't complain

"Talk to your child Mariana, she's waiting for you. Stop putting the blame on her. Siya nalang ang meron ka. I know you love her" naiyak ako.

"I can't" nadurog ang puso ko sa  narinig kong sagot ni mama.  "Baka pag nakita ko siya, mawala ako sa katinuan"

I cried so bad that night. Kaya ayaw na akong makita ni mama. Kaya ayaw niya akong marinig o makausap. Baka mawala siya sa katinuan.

I don't understand well. I feel so lonely. Wa akong makausap.

I woke up because of bad dream. Hindi na ako makatulog ng maayos. Kaya gaya nang mga nagdaang gabi. I went to my mama's room. Sa pinto lang ako tumambay dala dala ang kumot. Gusto kong kumatok. Gusto kong pumasok.

Just like that feeling on my birthday. I'm so tempted to follow my want. It didn't end up well kaya mas minabuti kong pigilan ang sarili.

If I do all those things, it will be bad for mama. Nanlumo ako sa mga naiisip. Habang nakadikit sa pinto ay bigla itong bumukas. Iniluwa nito si mama.

"M-mama" masaya ako. Sa wakas nakita ko na siya sa malapitan. Nagtubig ang mga mata ko. Niyakap ko siya agad. Uhaw na uhaw sa init ng bisig niya. I cried so bad.

"I'm r-really sorry mama. Please love me back I will be a good girl from now on. I won't ask for anything. Just don't hate me anymore. Please mama. I miss you so much" umiiyak na sabi ko.

"I miss you so much... I'm sorry" pagmamakaawa ko. "Please love me back... Please..."

She didn't answer. I knew right there and then that the moment I lost papa, I lost her too.