𝙉𝙊𝙏 𝙒𝙊𝙍𝙏𝙃 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙎𝙃𝙊𝙏| 𝙋𝘼𝙄𝙂𝙀 𝘽𝙐𝙀𝘾𝙆𝙀𝙍𝙎

𝙏𝙀𝙉

KAIA JACOBS
tw: mentions of ed

April 24th 2021

"I tried my best to make it look appealing but I think I failed." Paige handed me the bowl of pasta she had attempted to make. Sliding the fork across the counter towards me.

My legs started to shake gently against the bar stool. My knee hitting against the marble island, the pain subsiding the thought of congestion that soon would have to be dealt with.

I tried, to make it work. To swallow hard and not think about the after effects of the food I had just processed. But the second I don't feel guilty my mind reminds me of the food that was rotting in my stomach destroying my organs as I just sat there letting it happen.

Somehow I always managed to convince myself that all food was the reason of me getting sick all the time, food was the reason of my lack of energy on the field and why I failed to perform well. That I intake too much food. But the real problem was the fact I lacked so much of it.

I watched as Paige ate her pasta, taking as much food as she felt like it because her body felt like it. It never occurred to me how easily eating came to other people, that the fear of gaining a few calories wasn't a mutual fear shared by everyone.

I felt pathetic sitting cornered on my phone counting the amount of calories I would yet to process after one bowl of pasta. I tried noting down all the foods I eat throughout the day, somehow that only made it worse.

"Aren't you gonna eat it?" Paige slid the bowl closer to me. She didn't continue to finish her meal until she saw me take a bite from mine. I felt my throat run dry as I looked down inside the bowl, the sauce overflowing as the cheese melted on too stuck onto the ceramic surface. I slowly reached in with the fork given to me, taking a bite smiling at the satisfaction on Paige's face. I chewed and chewed the singular piece of pasta until there was nothing left to bite onto.

"Finish the bowl, please Kaia." Paige begged dropping her dishes into the sink as she walked towards me with calculated strides.

"Okay, I will." And I did. With every bite I cringed at the feeling of it scraping my tongue, leaving my mouth in a bad after taste as I felt it move straight down to my stomach. I was gonna be sick.

That was the first night I had eaten properly in weeks without throwing up.

I was proud.

Until I couldn't handle it anymore, that same night the tap was running in the bathroom and I repeated the cycle I tried desperately to get out of.

_____________________________

Now

Emma handed me the milk carton and the box of frosted flakes as she stood against the fridge eating at a mid range pace, closing her eyes for seconds before adjusting to the bright light that now seeped through our curtains.

"I'm probably gonna grab something from the Cafe." I say as I start packing up the cereal box. Lightly tapping Emma's side moving her away from the fridge, returning the carton back into its place.

It felt wrong to lie to my best friend. The one person I vowed to always be honest to. But I couldn't. I couldn't keep lying to myself acting like everything is fine, and that i'm healthy again when I know with time its only gotten worse.

"I'll see you at the gym later, yeah?" She nods before I leave, slamming the door shut as a sweet breath of relief relinquishes itself from my dried lips. My shoulders felt heavier leaving the dorm, I hadn't in a while. Only really leaving for games, practice and classes the mandatory stuff. The parties, annual celebrations and dinner I haven't attended in at least a week or two. Social interaction wasn't something that I have been intervening in as much as I should be as of recently.

I'm walking down towards the gym, fingers skimming the walk beside me feeling the smooth paint against the pad of my fingers. Chills passed throughout my spine, goosebumps arising amongst my skin the further I walked. I could feel the wariness in each step. Incalculable and unreliable my balance became nearing the glass entrance of Uconn's fitness centre. Pushing myself further ignoring the worried looks I was receiving by other athletes that were only now exiting the gym.

My throat running dry after every few seconds even after I take a sip from my bottle only for the water to dry out against my tongue in a matter of seconds.

I took a sip from the water bottle in my hand shaking off the feeling that started growing throughout my body.

I stopped for a second, propping my hand against the wall, my vision blurred only some movements detectable within the meter radius.

"You alright Kaia?" I feel a light hand pressed into my shoulder. Looking up i'm met with the softness of Nika's gaze. I don't know what it was, but something had just clicked within me and I felt every wall I had built break down in front of her.

I feel her strong hold grasp my shoulder tightly as she hugs me into her chest. Her whispers gentle as she stroked my hair with delicate fingers.

"You're gonna be okay." She says as we rock back and forth, cradling me in her arms. I felt the tears wetting my cheeks, it was as if in my mind was a replay of everything.

My head in the toilet ball, the tears that streamed down my hot cheeks as I sat sinking my self deeper and deeper into an endless loop of tragedy.

'I'm only using her for media attention' I held the wooden box in my hand as I felt everything in me stop. The beating in my heart quietened, my breath held captive in my lungs.

45kg isn't good enough 내 사랑 you're gaining more and more weight the more you're away. Then I get this when you come back. Don't waste my good work. My mom pokes my stomach jabbing and pinching at the skin on my arms. Every flaw she saw she made it evident in my eyes.

"Emma please help, I don't know what to do." Nika says in a vague distance. I feel bad, I really am trying to stop, to steady my heart and slow the pace of my breathing yet the more I try the quicker it seems to move within me.

And as I felt my body slowly let go of itself she was still in my thoughts. The feeling of her hands tracing along my skin, how warm her body felt as I lay against her listening to the steadying beat of her heart. How her smile made me smile and how her laugh made me laugh. How in my best moments I think of her and in my worsts I think of her.

Even as I lay unaware, blindly and limp Paige Bueckers is the only girl I have on my mind.

author:
i actually sincerely apologise for the shit writing
im working on it y'all