The New Doctor

4. The Confusion.

I didn't meet Ryan the next day. In fact, I haven't really let myself be alone with him in over a week now. I catch him looking at me, no doubt wondering what is going on with me. Even though I know, I don't think I'd be able to explain it to him.

As I sit eating a chef salad in the cafeteria, I let myself think about something I've tried desperately to erase... Hunter, also known as the worst experience of my life. College was the first time I let myself be completely comfortable with who I am and the fact that unlike all of the friends I had growing up, I had no desire to be with a woman. I tried once, in high school, and I couldn't even stay hard. I never told anyone about that.

But, when I got to college and saw that everyone was open, nobody was judgmental, I allowed myself to be free of the constraints my small town had put on me. I met Hunter in my freshman English class and thought he was the most beautiful person I'd ever seen. He didn't notice me, my personality too shy to get his attention then. But, we were partnered for a project and the hours we spent together eventually led to the awkward conversation of my sexuality.

I was surprised when Hunter didn't seem too phased by it, seeming almost intrigued instead. One thing lead to another, and before I even realized, we'd fallen into a relationship of sorts. We spent as much time together as we could. We went to movies and held hands while sharing popcorn. We hung in his dorm, since his was a single, and soon we were being intimate. Okay, he was letting me fuck him.

I was so happy, happier than I ever could have imagined. But one night, we went out to eat and some of his friends saw us. They made a joke about us being on a date and Hunter got mad, argued that we were friends since we'd been stuck doing that project and that this was our farewell dinner to each other. I realized then that I was dating someone so far in the closet that I'm surprised he could even speak to me without freaking out.

My appetite left with his friends and I knew he was aware he'd messed up. His face looked stricken, shocked that he'd said what he did. I simply asked him to take me home and was quiet the whole way. He made excuses, told me he really cared about me but that they'd caught him off guard. I quietly told him that I was sure of who I was and if he wasn't, I couldn't see him anymore. He begged, even tried to tell me he was falling in love with me, but I knew he wasn't. I was his test run. We all have one.

I walked away from Hunter that day and even though I sometimes wonder if I should have stuck it out in the hopes he'd come out someday, I wouldn't have been able to live with it had he never come out. I wouldn't be his secret. Which brings me to Ryan.

He probably doesn't realize I've seen him flirting with the women nurses at work. The first time I noticed was right after he'd had his hand on my cock. We joined them all in the tv area and he immediately starting flirting with Jackie, a beautiful red head. He touched her arm softly, leaned in to whisper to her and suddenly it hit me. He was straight. Or at least somewhat. I can't do that again.

My thoughts are interrupted by the chair next to mine scraping against the linoleum of the cafeteria floor. "Is this seat taken?" I hear Ryan's voice asking me. "Nope." I continue to pick at my salad. "Ben, what's wrong?"

"Why do you think there is something wrong?" I turn to see Ryan giving me a "are you serious?" look but I just look back down. "You're avoiding me and you didn't meet up with me like you said you would." I just shake my head. "You don't really want to meet up with me and that's fine so just drop it."

"What are you talking about? Of course I do, that's why I asked you." I just shake my head, not wanting to have this conversation in such a public place. "Let's go there now, I'll explain." He nods and stands, gathering his food to take it with him. He follows me, close behind. When we get into our spot he nearly interrogates me.

"So why are you avoiding me? You're confusing me!" I settle into the bed, drawing my knees toward my chest. "You're not gay, Ryan. So, why are you even trying to spend time with me?"

"What are you talking about?" He sounds angry, but I just keep staring down. "I saw you flirting, you flirt with the nurses all the time, especially Jackie. You're not gay. You're interested in women." I hear him laugh and move to look at him as he kneels before me. "You think I'm not interested in you, is that what you're getting at? Or do you think I only like women?" I just shrug.

I feel his hands on my hips, moving me so he can pull my legs down on either side of him. "When my hard cock was coming all over your hand, did it seem to you that I wasn't interested in you?" I just shrug again. He pulls me closer to him and pulls at the band of my scrubs. He leans up, kissing against my neck, beckoning me closer to him. I lean down and kiss him, my hands moving to his hair.

He pulls my waist band of my scrubs down, pulling me from my pants. "Does this seem like I'm not interested in you?" He asks as he leans down, licking along my cock. I moan, pulling his head down onto me. "Fuck," I pant when he swallows me, holding me deep in his mouth. I buck slightly and he pulls back, his hand moving against me.

"Do I still seem uninterested?" He asks and before I can answer he's down again, licking and sucking at my rock hard cock. I make shallow thrusts into his mouth and he sucks harder, his hand moving against me and moving down to cup my balls. "Oh fuck," I moan, gripping his hair tightly and holding him down on me. "I'm going to come so you better move," I pant but he shakes his head and sucks me deeper, my come coating the back of his throat. He sucks me once more then swallows, pulling off from me.

"Next time you want to know if I'm interested in you or not, ask me. Oh. You said something about Jackie. Ask her when we met and she'll tell you we were twelve." With that, he stands, wiping his mouth and storms out, the door slamming behind him. I'm a little confused, my post orgasm brain not functioning enough to do anything. I guess I can say he's interested in me, but he's still not gay. It will take a lot more than that to convince me this won't be a closeted train wreck.