It Makes Me Mad, Knowing You're Sad (BoyxBoy Kohnnie)

Chapter 52

Johnnie's POV:

Kyle went to put up his bowl and I followed. After we both rinsed out our cereal bowls we walked to the bunks and I took this opportunity to try and get Kyle to talk about what's going on.

"Hey Kyle. Are you sure you're okay?" I asked with concern lacing my voice. Kyle sits in his bunk and takes out his phone completely ignoring the question. "Kyle, I know you heard me. Now answer my question. Are you okay?"

Kyle sighs and looks up from his phone. "Yeah. I'm fine." He says as his voice cracks. He is completely unconvincing. I sit down next to him and interlace our fingers together. His hands are so soft, but cold. I absentmindedly drew circles with my thumb on his hand. I then sigh.

"Kyle, you know you can tell me anything. It's not good to hide things. We saw first hand how that worked out." I say with a slightly bitter chuckle. "Also maybe talking about it will make you feel better." 

Kyle is looking down at our hands and I give his a reassuring squeeze to tell him it's okay. Kyle sighs. "I-It's just that I keep having this dream. Well more like nightmare." Kyle says without looking me in the eye.

"What's the dream about?" I ask. What could be so bad about a dream?

"I wake up on a cold concrete floor. I look around. Its dark all besides 1 window and a door cracked open. I crawl with scrapped knees and knuckles until I get to the door. I pull myself up with the door handle then open the door. I find myself in my bedroom at home. There's someone on the bed crying. Of course I go over to see who it is and if they're okay. More like what it is and if it is okay. I shake the person but only it isn't human. It is my inner demon. It turns over and looks me in the eyes. I'm paralyzed with fear. My demon gets up off my bed and brushes its long claws over my face leaving a few more scratches on my face. My demon then whispers in my ear things like "you're worthless." "You'll never be good enough." "No one likes you." and so on. I just nod knowing all of these things are true. My demon then gives me a wicked sharp toothed smile before stabbing me with his long sharp claws. And that's when I wake up crying and hyperventilating." Kyle explains as a few tears stream down his face. I quickly wipe his tears away and give him a long overdue hug.

"It's okay, Kyle. It'll be fine. It was just a dream. It'll be okay." I say. I don't know if I'm trying to convince him it'll be okay or myself. All I want to do is protect him, but how am I supposed to protect him from his mind. I just can't. I just want him to be okay and to be happy. At that moment I realized I really do honestly love Kyle unconditionally and I've been stupid to think that I might not be able to trust him again. He has been nothing, but there for me and has opened up to me, trusting me with whatever is going on in his life. He never gave up on me when I was mad at him. He tried so hard to get me back. Now it's my turn to not leave him and stay with him no matter what his mental, physical, or emotional state is.

Kyle yawns which snaps me out of my thoughts. "Do you want to lay down, Kyle? Are you tired?" I ask.

"Yeah, but can you lay with me. So I can take my mind off things and still talk to you." Kyle says with another yawn. How did I not notice the dark purple, almost black, circles under his eyes. I wonder home much sleep he's been getting. 

Kyle scoots to the back of his bunk and lays down. Then pats the bed signaling me to lay next to him. I lay next to him. Then he wraps his arm around me and pulls me closer. He seems to relax and I can feel his breathe in my hair. I turned around to face him and he smiles. I run my fingers through his hair and down to the side of his face. I trace one of his dark circles with my thumb. "How much sleep have you been getting?" I asked with a concerned expression on my face. 

"Very little since the nightmare started to reoccur every night." He says as he nuzzles into my touch.

"How long has these nightmares been going on?" I say as he takes my hand away from his face and holds it.

"Um...the day I told you about the Jordan kiss thing and you got mad at me, but I had these nightmares happened before then too. After I met you they stopped. Then you got mad at me and I felt like I might have lost you forever...they started again." Kyle said as he traced circles with his thumb on my hand. I grimaced at his answer. He's been having these nightmares a while. I look him in the eyes as if to say sorry about me being stupid and overreacting over that damn kiss with Jordan. He nods signaling he understands. "The nightmares happen when I realize I loose some close to me because of something I did. For example, when I ignored you and you got mad and avoided me. But they first started happening when I told a very close friend I was gay and they had a very bad reaction and hated me. Then I found out my brother and my dad are homophobic. My brother found out when he cornered me at home and confronted me over the news of me being gay going around school. He told me never to associate with him at school again and that I'm lucky he didn't tell our dad yet. HE also said that we aren't brothers anymore. He completely disowned me. I practically begged him not to tell the rest of the family because I knew my dad would probably kick me out. I also balled like a baby when he said we weren't brothers anymore and that he disowned me as family." He explained as a tear trickled down his cheek. I hugged him tight and wiped his tears away. 

"It's okay. I know it hurts to not be accepted and loose people over something you can't change. I know how you feel. You know how we came out on YouTube?" I ask and I feel Kyle nod his head against my shoulder.  "Well um I lost quite a bit of people over that. I lost some of my subscribers, a few of my family members, and some friends too. I lost people who I thought would always be there for me and it hurts, but then I think to myself if they left me and hated me over something I can't change, then they were fake and don't deserve me. They are the lowest of the low and shouldn't judge people over things they can't change." I say as I get a little carried away. Kyle smiles and looks at me still not breaking our hug.

" Thanks for that. I really need a little pep talk type thing." he says and I just smile. 

We begin to cuddle again. My head laying on Kyle's chest listening to his heart beat and breathing. Our legs are intertwined in a way that is comfortable. We also have a blanket laying on top of us. After a while Kyle's breathing begins to slow and even out and he falls asleep and so do I.

A/N

This chapter was a little all over the place, but that's okay.

Ummmmm I will be updating every week on Thursdays or Fridays until this book is over.

Then I might write another book either a sequel or just another Kohnnie book. Comment Sequel if you want a sequel.

Also this chapter is really long (1306 word without pov and a/n) hope it makes up somewhat for not updating for a while.