Lullaby | Brahms Heelshire |

Chapter 11

I'll protect you from harm,

Brahms had been living in the walls of the house. He had been spying on me, eavesdropping on me, listening to my conversations. He made his way around the house through passages, crawl spaces and other nooks and crannies. That is why I never saw him. That is why the doll moved. For the next few days Brahms followed me everywhere. Always watching me. He was making sure that I was taking proper care of the doll. I had no idea why I still had to. Brahms was alive. So why was there the doll?
I had so many burning questions that I needed to ask him, but whenever I Would try he would disappear into the walls. I tried to follow him in once, but he caught me. Yeah.... Let's just say that I am not allowed in the walls.
Trying to communicate with Brahms felt just as easy as teaching a tiger how to talk. He was a quiet man. I figured that he didn't speak much because he was shy. So I decided that I needed to give him some time to get use to me, but wouldn't he be use to me by now? We had "lived" together for almost two months. The whole situation was strange.
Extremely strange. I was living with a man who had pretended to be dead for 21 years. And he wouldn't even tell me why he had pretended to be dead. He wouldn't tell me about the doll. He wouldn't tell me about the mask. He wouldn't even tell me why he wouldn't tell me. I didn't understand. I let him stay in the house when I found him, even though technically it was his house. Why couldn't he just talk to me? I decided not to push him. I was going to live day by day.
And I think that was the strangest part of it all. I liked him. I felt a sense of security with him around. I had never thought that I would hate loneliness until I met Brahms. At night when he would isolate himself in the walls I would be taken by a wave of emptiness. I would yearn for him to come out, yearn for his humbling company. It was strange, I had never wanted to be around a person so badly in my life. I was just drawn to him, so intrigued by his strange personality.
In the beginning, I thought Brahms was an eight-year-old boy trapped inside of a man's body, but I couldn't be more wrong. He was very much grown up. He was incredibly smart and he knew many things that I did not. But all the years of him living inside of the walls with no other human contact besides his parents skewed his social skills. He couldn't pick up some of my social cues and he acted very awkward when I was around him. He acted like a shy boy. It was very interesting especially because of how intelligent he was. And he also had a strange obsession of following the rules. He always had to be following the rules, and he always had to make sure that I was following the rules. But I think the most interesting thing about him was that he was compulsively obsessed with the idea of childhood.
Brahm's childhood must have been cut short when he wasn't finished with it. His compulsions must have formed from years of thinking about the childhood he never got to finish. And now he needed his childhood. Brahms was a man. But he wanted to be a boy. And I think that is where the doll came in. It was living the rest of his childhood for him. It was a hard thing to watch. His eyes stunk whenever I hold the doll in my arms. He would just sadly watch me take care of it, desperately wishing that the doll could be him.
~*~
Wheels squeak as I perused down the men's clothing isle. Brahms needed new clothes. After seeing him in that tank top, I knew that I had to get him new things. I searched across the endless racks of clothing, completely clueless of what to get. How was I supposed to find his size? What even was his size? I stopped the cart and reached out to pull a shirt from the rack. I held it up and clinched my teeth at the size. It was rather small. Brahms was a big man. Why couldn't there be a section for big stronger looking men?
I placed the hanger back on the rack with a click and continued my search for big stronger looking men clothes. During my adventure through the men's section, I began watching the other shoppers unintentionally. They lied about like zombies, just going through the motions of every day life.
I gazed upon their sluggish behavior amazed that not even five days ago, I was just like them. It's amazing how quickly your life could change by something so small. Like winning the lottery, or getting engaged, or finding a man living in your walls. I thought of Brahms and smiled. My life had become brighter with him in it. He was what separated me from all the other deadweights.
"Excuse me." A nasally voice broke me out of my thoughts. I looked up to find huge oversized glasses resting on a small man's small nose. He wore and itchy looking sweater that hosted a name tag that read 'Gus'. He looked like a Gus.
"Can I help you find anything? You have been here for more than 20 minutes and you look even more lost than you were when you came in."
His voice made me mad.
Especially how he used it in that last sentence, but I didn't want to argue with this little Dweebie guy, so I decided to just ask for his help so he would stop watching me.
"Yes you can help me." I tried to shake the annoyed-with-him out of my voice. "I'm just looking for some clothes I could get for my boyfriend." The words that came out of my mouth just that didn't sound right. "It's his birthday tomorrow." I added for good measure. The tiny man nodded. "A procrastinator. I should've known", he said dragging out a dramatic Eye roll. I looked at him and decided that we hated each other. "Yes, can you help me find big stronger looking men clothes?" Gus stared at me like I had insulted him. I smiled because I had.
~*~
The wooden door opened as I struggled to get into the house. Plastic sacks the adorned my arms, crinkling and bumping into each other with every step I took. I stopped below the chandelier and balanced the bags that hung from my arms. "Brahms!" I called out into the house. He could have been anywhere. As I was about to call out again, his tall frame appeared in the doorway of the living room. The ceiling was low where he stood and it made him look 10 times taller than he was. "Surprise!" I smiled showing him the bags that they hung to the floor. "I got you some new stuff!" My voice sounded so sugary, but I couldn't help it, I was excited for him.
He walked over to me as I let the bags slip to the floor. my arms were dented and red from where the cheap plastic had wrapped around them. I ignored the small sting and bent down to the floor to rummage through one of the bags. I pulled out a navy blue button up and rushed over to Brahms. He completely stiffened when I held the shirt up to him. "Sorry." I said examining him and the shirt size. It seemed like it would fit. I lowered it from his body, satisfied that Gus had pointed me to the right section.
"OK it looks like it will fit!" I said smiling.Brahm's eyes crinkled at me. Hopefully that was a smile. His attention then turned to the bags on the floor. I watched nervously as he looked through the clothes. For some reason I felt like he wouldn't accept them. But he turned his dark curly head toward me and quietly said "Thank you Danny."
~*~
Brahms sat lazily on the couch in his new clothes. My book was in his hands. He always had it lately. I was standing by the overflowing shelves of books while he read. I traced my finger along with the spines of all the sick college textbooks. There were so many. I bent the book back and pulled it from the shelf. Fanning through the pages I looked at the ridiculously small writing. It looked like a very worn book, like he had read it over and over. "Brahms?" I asked turning to him. His eyes flicked to me and he lowered the book in his hands. "have you read all of these textbooks?" Brahms simply nodded and went back to the book.
I was dumb founded. He had read them all. Probably more than once too. My eyes skimmed across the large wooden shelves that were covered with duly colored books. Brahms was ridiculously smart. He had been homeschooled all day every day for 22 years. His head must have been a library of endless information.
I turned away from the books and walked over to the couch where Brahms was sitting. I could feel him watching me out of the corner of his eye. I let my body fall onto the plush sofa and scooted closer to him. He flinched as I looked over his shoulder at the book in his hands. I scanned the page curiously and my eyes stopped at the page number. "Weren't you past that spot yesterday?" I asked, crinkling my brows. Brahms just nodded. I narrowed my eyes at his silence. I was determined to get him to speak to me. "Okay Brahms", I began as I reached out and took the book from him. He immediately snapped his head toward me bewildered that I would dare take it from him. "How many times have you read it?" I questioned as I waved the book around in the air. Brahm's eyes went from me to the book to me to the book for a few seconds before he said "Four times."
I looked at the width of the book, trying not to drop my jaw. It was no Dictionary of a book, but it was pretty thick in size. "Wow." I managed to say stupidly. "Do you like it?" I asked hoping that I would finally know someone who liked this book besides me. Brahms shrugged gently. "It's new." He spoke before shyly looking to the ground. "Ohh." I breathed out as the light bulb clicked in my head. "I should probably get you some new books. I can imagine how sick you must be of all of these." I gestured to his book shelf. He gave a curt nod. He didn't seem that into my offer? "Do you like reading?" I raised my eyebrows. "Yes." His voice was soft.
I smiled. "Next time I am out, I will pick up some new books for both of us. I could use some fresh content myself." I said juggling the idea I had coming into my head. "You know..." I began a little nervously. "We could read the new books together." I suggested, biting my lip to stop the small jitters.
"I would like that Danny." He replied sweetly.