He Could Have Been (What He Thought He Wanted) | ✔

is this what i want?

c h a p t e r 5

My dad has another family.

He and his other family live in Texas.

I know this because I've looked my dad up on Facebook.

You the know the usual punishment for when you want to stalk someone on Facebook; you're met with pictures of people with perfect lives, who are so happy, and appear to be somewhere so freaking interesting.

Same with my dad. Recently, he and his perfect fam took family photos. Not only did they look so happy, and cookie cutter, but the worst part is it'd looked like they'd been vacationing in Hawaii; somewhere tropical.

If I were to pick any place in the world to go, I guess it wouldn't be Hawaii. It's such a typical vacationing spot, and besides, I'm more like a Tokyo, Japan kinda guy, or an Auckland, New Zealand kinda guy.

I looked like my dad more than my mom, it seemed. And I don't quite know if that was necessarily a good thing. Maybe that's why girls like Abi never took time to notice me. Maybe I'm that ugly, and that much of a loser.

—

"Dude, are you feeling okay?" Is-Su asks me. We're in a cafe, sipping on some black coffee, looking at our phones. Somewhat immersed in our Pokémon Go, and Candy Crush.

I look up from my phone once I realize I'll never have much luck in finding a Pokémon. I shrug. "Yeah, I guess so."

Is-Su gives me a funny look. "Collin, I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't tell you this...but you either need to come clean to Abi, or stop the conversations altogether."

Blinking my eyes a couple times, I scratch my nose, and put my hand back in the pocket of my jacket. "Su," I mumble, "Why should all of that shit matter?"

He raises his eyebrow, and then asks, "What shit?"

"What she doesn't know won't hurt her," I say simply. "Besides, it'll crush her if I stop calling."

"Are you sure it's yourself you aren't hurting?"

"What the hell, Is-Su?" I scoff. "Why are you and Etheridge always questioning me about this shit? Why can't you be happy for me, huh? You guys must think I'm really fucked up, or even worse, just too fucking pathetic!"

Is-Su stays calm. He shakes his head slowly, and puts his hand around his cup of joe. "Collin, you're taking this too personally. And I don't know if you should. But why should you keep on pursuing some girl who's so out of your league?"

"Great," I say this with a bitter laugh. "My friend just called me a fuckin' loser."

I don't really know why at this moment I choose to act like a fucking girl. I could've just laughed and waved off Is-Su's remarks. But really, I can't accept the truths he just told me, because I'm fed up with the truth.

Is-Su doesn't say anything else. We go back to staring at the screen of our cell phones.

—

The move is simply on impulse.

I don't regret my actions because Abi knew.

Abi knows.

She knows it's some loser she's been talking to. And now she's disgusted and disgruntled.

Maybe, if my life had been different, and I wasn't who I was. Perhaps...

Perhaps, Abi and I would be running off into the sunset together. When I picture that in my mind in this minute, I'm not there. Danny Sanderson is.

You know, even in my freaking dreams I don't get what I want.

Yet, I'm one of the lucky few who know by some point in their fucked up high school career that the rest of their life, period, is going to be complete shit.

I'm not blaming God. He makes no mistakes.

It's me. It's always been me.

I'm the one who has always made mistakes.

Today, I walked up to Abi Dearest. And I told her exactly who the fuck I was. I told her I was Collin Doe.

A decent guy.

Someone who was interested in going out with her.

I told her- No, I asked if she would like to go on a date with me, because practical people who always think they're right say assertiveness is always the sure thing. I believed in that one so-called sure thing. I believed in it so fucking much in that moment, I thought thing were finally going to go my way.

And no, it wasn't the fact that I didn't take her rejection well. No, it wasn't the fact that she even rejected me. Because point blank, my life is full of rejection. My dad rejected me. My mom never has rejected me, but even lately it seems as though she really doesn't like having me around; she keeps suggesting I go off and live with the stupid asshole who posted family photos on Facebook of him and his perfect family vacationing in Hawaii.

Abi had looked at me with pity. She gave me a look that told me everything I already knew, but hadn't been ready to accept. Yet, stupid ass me gave it a fighting chance.

Her posse stood behind her as always, with their arms crossed, and their looks of judgement. Abi herself continued to give me that look. The look that told me everything.

"You must be slow, or even worse— special. You, kid, nerd, haven't figured it out. No matter how nice you ask me. No matter how genuine you may sound. I could never go out with a guy like you. Why would I go out with a guy like you? I don't date guys like you, because guys like you don't at all benefit me. I'm interested in another guy, if you must know. I'm interested in Danny Sanderson. He's got the looks, and we talk on the phone almost every night. He understands me. We mesh well together. He makes me happy. A guy like you, could never ever make me happy. More like YOU would never make happy! You're pathetic really. You thought you had a chance. But face it, guys such as yourself never get the girl."

Those weren't Abi's exact words. Her exact words were, "Yeah, uh, not interested." Then she walked off with her group friends. She and her friends' laughter echoed down the hallway.

So, I'm glad I have it figured out.

Life can't get any shittier from this point on.

—