Loving you is suicide || Dazai x Reader #BSDWattys2017

❝Harsh words❞

"(y/n)-chan?", Atsushi started. He followed you outside. "Do you know why Dazai-san is so obsessed with suicide? I mean, he has a pretty girl like you in his life, why does he still..." Atsushi didn't finish his sentence, nor did he need to. I chewed my lip, the words of the young boy hitting me hard. It's true, if he really loves me, why does he still attempt suicide? Atsushi's question was a difficult one to answer. I don't know how much I want to share with him.

"Dazai is a cursed man.", I said, softly. "A cursed man with the ability to show others the purpose of life, while not finding his own." Turning to Atsushi, I gave him a sad smile. "That's a similarity you and I share, Atsushi-kun. Dazai saw something in both of us, worthy of being brought out." My eyes drifted to the sky. "That's one thing neither of us will be able to repay."

"However, I'm not enough to fill the gaping void in Dazai's twisted soul. I'm afraid nothing is.", I continued. "Ever since I met Dazai, I have loved him, and tried to be the one to fix him." I shook my head. "Dazai does not love me the way I love him. He pretends to, but I've always known the truth." Tears pricked in the corner of my eyes, but I forced them back with all my might. "I've been by his side since the beginning and I refuse to back away now. Clearing my throat, I regained my composure. "I'm going home."

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Just around the corner, a troubled looking Dazai remained, leaning against the wall. Guild and pain bit at his hart after listening to (y/n)'s harsh words. He couldn't deny the truth they held nor could he refuses to acknowledge the extent of his internal conflicts. He did love (y/n), but other parts of him didn't or did in different ways. He sighed deeply, massaging his forehead to rid himself of dark thoughts. He really needed some sleep. Dazai pushed of the wall and made his way to his apartment.

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When I arrived at my apartment I peeled off my jacket and shoes before collapsing on my sleeping mat. My entire body ached as well as my heart. For some reason, today had really taken a toll on me. The fact that Dazai didn't truly loved me back was something I always knew. A fact I learned to accept. My love for Dazai was enough. Well, for me at least. What really did bother me was his strange behavior that had only begun recently. Today was especially odd, even for Dazai. There were many subtle keys that alarmed me, but I was too tired to think much about them. With heavy eyelids, I drifted into a deep sleep.

476 words, edited