BANGERZ (2014)

14. The O.C.

Even though it's the hardest I've had since my parents died, I make it through the night.

Maybe I'm just freaking out because I don't have any more Adderall left. I'm so dependent on it and I haven't planned what to do when I ran out. Well, I know what to do, but I didn't anticipate running out so soon. Can I risk another trip to the pharmacy right now? What if the day I go there's no Adderall on the shelf? What if someone notices?

Oh, no. Isn't this a sign of a real addict? Paranoia?

Maybe I'm just trying to fathom all that's going on. My brain just picks tonight to remind me of all the things I should be concerned about. School. My job. Nina. The Bizzle Gang. Sleep. My parents. Jason. The Wreckers crew. (Not necessarily in that order...)

I'm happy when morning comes and my stomach growls for breakfast - it gives me an excuse to be up and active. Nighttime is mysterious and thrilling and can be productive - but not every single day. It's meant for sleeping.

God, I hate this. It's not normal.

Danny's downstairs, sipping coffee. He looks up as I come into the kitchen. Judging by his expression, he wants to talk.

"Morning, Tess," he greets.

"Morning. Where's Nina?"

"She left about an hour ago. She didn't wanna wake you up and said she'll see you soon."

"Oh," is all I say.

"How are you?" Danny asks me after a moment.

"Fine. You?"

"Can't complain. You sure you're alright? You look - " He stops, unsure.

"What?" I prompt. "I look what?"

He sighs. "Tired. You look tired."

He knows it irritates me when he says this - only because I don't want him to worry, and I don't want him to suspect anything.

"I've just been pulling all-nighters," I lie. Technically it's not a lie. "Midterms are this week and I wanna ace them."

My half-fib convinces him - for now - because he nods. "You will. You've always gotten awesome grades."

"Thanks. It's just senior year stress."

"Right. But don't push yourself too hard. How's work?"

"Pretty good. My friends say I make the best fraps they've ever had."

"Did Jason say that?"

I glare at him and he laughs harder than I think he should. Maybe it's my expression.

"I'm not trying to embarrass you, Tess," Danny promises as I pour myself a cup of coffee.

"I'm not embarrassed."

"Is he your boyfriend?" he counters.

I think about our kiss last night and don't realize I'm blushing until my brother points at my face and exclaims, "Aha! Caught you red-handed. Or red-faced."

"Danny, shut up," I whine. "He's not my boyfriend."

"Not yet. I saw the way he was looking at you last night. And acting all polite. I did the same thing with Anna. Works every time."

I skewer him with my gaze and he laughs again.

"Okay, okay, I'm done," he says. He puts his mug in the sink. "I need to get some food for the house today. You need anything?"

"Actually, yeah... But I'll do the shopping. I have some errands to run anyway."

"Okay. I'll give you the card and keys."