Mythlands: Mythical Origins

4. Dopplers

Quote - 'Dopplers: A duplicate version or double of a character or person, as distinct from the original. Some representations may differ in looks and personality and there is often a dispute between variants as to which is the original.' Sir Guy of Gisbourne '1962'

April 1976: The Mythlands.

James sat up in the dark. 'Olga? Where the bleedin hell am I?'

The last thing he remembered was a sharp pain ripping through his chest. He must have passed out and ... yes, he was in bed. Hospital?

It didn't feel like a hospital bed and he couldn't find a light by groping around in the darkness! 'Nurse! Anyone there?' 

'Old on a mo,' came a faintly feminine voice and suddenly there was light. 'Ow'dya feel ducks?'

James blinked ... and felt a moment of panic. The sudden light had blinded him and everything seemed blurry. 'I can't see properly!'

'You just rest your eyes darlin, this always appens. You'll be alright in a minute. Nurse Ball, ows about fetching Mr James a nice pick me up!'

'Coming right up Nurse May,' came a fainter female voice.

'I could murder a whiskey nurse,' he blurted out and then regretted it. If he was in hospital, there was little chance of that. They were probably getting him some heart medication or at best a cuppa.

'Ow'zabout a nice drop of Bells?' the nurse asked. 'Single or double?'

'Mine's a big one,' he said automatically, surprised that they were actually going to give him a drink. 'But hold on luv, what about my heart? Am I going to make it?'

The nurse giggled. 'Cheeky.'

'What's that?' called out the second nurse.

'E sez his is a big one!'

The second nurse giggled too. 'Ooh saucy! Coming right up lover.'

What kind of nurses were these! 'Nurse, what about me bleedin heart? I thought I was gonna die right there on stage?'

He felt a hand wipe his brow and an expanse of white hoved into view. 'Don't worry about that sweetheart. Your heart's better now.'

His vision came back and he found himself staring into a busty chest covered in a nurse's starched whites. 'Darlin, me days getting better n better an ...' James squinted at the blonde in front of him. 'Babs?'

The nurse smiled saucily at him. 'I'm Nurse May. Sandra May.'

Just then the second nurse arrived and handed him a large glass of Scotch. 'Ere ya go. Big and stiff ... just ow I like em.'

'Thanks Nur ...' then he clocked her face. 'Blimey, I'm seeing double. Babs?'

'Nah, I'm Nurse Susan Ball.'

Before James could take it all in, the identical nurses ... a third woman not in uniform approached his bed. She also looked like Nurses Ball and May but was a bit younger. 'Alright girls, give im some room. Allo there. I'm Daphne Honeybutt. Welcome to The Mythlands.'

'The what? What the bleedin ell is going on.'

'There's no easy way of saying this mate,' came a male voice that he recognized. 'So I'm just going to tell you straight out. You died on stage mate. Massive bloomin heart attack and now you've been reborn because you my friend are a legend and we owe you our very existence.'

Sid James gawped at the man. 'You're my double!'

'We prefer Dopple or doppler. Do you know who I am?'

'You're me!'

'Not quite. I'm Vic Flange.'

'Vic Flange! That was the character I played in ...' Sid's voice trailed off as several other figures arrived at his bedside.

'Demm me Sir, but I think he is starting to get it!' lisped a version of himself in 18th century dress and a powdered wig.

'Blimey, just in time too. It's almost Tiffin time,' said another.

'Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond? Sir Rodney Ffing! You're all my characters from the Carry Ons!'

'Ere whadchu mean?' interjected another figure. 'They're your dopplers.'

'Kenneth Williams?'

The newcomer raised an eyebrow. 'Certainly not! I'm Professor Roland Crump!'

Sid gawped. 'You're Ken's character from last year's Carry on Behind!'

'Yeerrrrrsssss, now you're getting it. Our original, as it were isn't yet here.'

'Ere fancy a whiskey Professor?' asked Nurse May, who was handing drinks around to the gathering crowd that now included versions of Charles Hawtry, Joan Simms, Kenneth Connor, Bernard Breslaw and two Frankie Howerds.

'Certainly not, I never touch it!' Crump's face contorted into a half sneer of contempt.

'Oh raaaather!' said a Charles Hawtrey, cutting in front of a second Hawtrey to claim the drink.

'Where the bleedin ell am I?' Sid groaned, feeling as lost as he had ever had without a compass.

'The Mythlands. Now everybody clear away and give the patient room,' came a well spoken and officious voice. A large shape in blue loomed into his vision and gently took away his glass of whiskey. 'Now now Mr James, there will be none of that while you're in recovery.'

'Matron?'

'Yes. And you are presently in the village hospital.'

'Much Cocking in the Wold,' a Peter Butterworth character interjected.

'Pardon?'

'It's where most of us live dear,' said a Joan Simms that he thought might have been either Cora Flange from Carry On Abroad or Connie Philpott from Girls. 'Much Cocking in the Wold, very nearby Great Humping on the Riverbank and a few miles outside of Bawdytown, the provincial capital.

And so, lost to the mortal realms, Sid James began his new existence surrounded by versions of his old friends and co stars. In later years he was to be joined by other 'originals' - Kenneth Williams, Hattie Jacques, Bernard Breslaw, Charles Hawtry, Joan Simms and many more.

'Funny,' mused James as he eyed up the bosoms of multiple versions of Barbara Windsor. 'I thought death was the end, but it seems we get to Carry On!