Stay With Me

Ch 1. The Apartment

Or, Feng He and Cheng Qing questioning themselves even though they agreed to live together

Feng He walked into his apartment to find three suitcase standing against the wall of the small entrance. It was reminiscent of another time in this very same spot. The difference was that instead of being angry at the invasion of his personal space, he was excited about it.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't excitement. It felt more like a combination of dread, fear and nervousness crawling through his stomach making him feel slightly ill. His heart was beating so fast he could feel it without the benefit of a finger to his pulse point. His mouth was dry. His hands were sweaty. It felt less like he was about to welcome his brother home than facing a firing squad.

But calling Cheng Qing his brother wasn't right. Not any more...not when he didn't know what they were to each other. Things had changed...

No matter how many days had passed, he could still remember the press of those lips against his own. The surprise Feng He had felt at the time had dampened his memory of it a little. But ever since he asked Cheng Qing to come live with him, his mind had been drawn to that event over and over again. Wondering if it would happen again. Wondering if he wanted it to happen again. Wishing...

That was the part that gave him pause. Feng He thought he should be upset or frightened or even disgusted. But his heart always started a crazy gallop whenever he thought about what it would feel like to kiss Cheng Qing again. To let what had started out as an unexpected and even unpleasant assault, find power in the shared participation and enjoyment of the act.

But would it happen? Would Cheng Qing be the one to instigate it again or would he wait for Feng He to act? Could he act without falling over himself; embarrassing them both and making everything that already felt like walking on eggshells even more awkward and unpleasant?

"Ughhh..." He growled into the emptiness. I am going to make myself crazy!!

He ran his hand through his short-cropped hair over and over again. The spikey ends made his hand tingle and drew his attention from his ailing stomach and his overactive brain to something he could recognize, assimilate and dismiss. His feelings for Cheng Qing weren't that easy to understand, accept or put away in the dark recesses of his mind. The difference was astounding.

This had been his decision, right? His choice. He was the one who'd gone looking for Cheng Qing. The one who had invited him to live with him. The one who'd declared, without doubt, that it was possible to change his habits. Feng He had thought it would be easy. That his feelings were strong enough. But now that the reality of it was at hand, he feared he'd taken on more than he was capable of. Worse than that was the fear that he had lied to himself and to Cheng Qing.

The price for getting what he wanted seemed like more than he could afford. Feng He felt ashamed. Why couldn't these doubts and fears have shown up sooner? Then he would not need to second guess himself and disappoint Cheng Qing.

"Hey...I thought you were going to put my things away." Cheng Qing said the minute he walked back into the apartment.

Feng He had already given Cheng Qing back the apartment key but he hadn't expected him to just use it. Then again, now that he thought about it, what else was there to do? It wasn't like Cheng Qing would knock or ring the bell when he was just coming home. Feng He was still surprised. He was even more surprised when Cheng Qing came over and hugged him then kissed the top of his head like it was the most natural thing to do.

"Just kidding." His taller step-brother said with a chuckle at his own joke, "I thought I'd help you this time so you don't think I am an ungrateful and difficult roommate."