Stay With Me

Ch 5. The Real Issue

Or, Feng He finally speaks about what is really bothering him to Cheng Qing

"Why did you really send that note to Cheng Qing?" Feng He asked Meng Meng out of the blue. They were sitting in their favourite coffee shop after he told Cheng Qing he had something to check on in the library and would be home late.

She choked on her drink but he waited until she had cleared her throat to repeat the question. "You liked him. He liked you. I knew none of you would make a move because of the relationship your parents have or because of whatever hang-ups you have about...well, everything." She finally answered.

Her tone was flippant but he could see the surreptitious glances she was sending his way to gauge his reception of her rather pathetic explanation.

It wasn't what he wanted to hear and it still didn't explain how she knew it would have the effect it did. "But how did you know I liked him?"

"Don't you?"

Under normal circumstances, he would have caught on to Meng Meng's blatant attempt to deflect him by answering a question with a question but he was too consumed with his own thoughts. Feng He know he did in fact like Cheng Qing. There was no doubt about it, even though he wished there was a way to deny it. But he was so confused.

He had always been very clear about who he was and what he wanted out of life. Cheng Qing had not been a part of that plan. Now it felt like Cheng Qing was the plan and everything was an addendum. Yet he could not easily brush aside everything he had known and believed wholeheartedly for the past 18 years. He felt like his brain, his body was confused about everything. Pulling him in two different directions and making him feel like he was coming part.

How could his entire life be turned upside down by one man? How was he ever going to find solid ground when it felt like his entire world was constantly shifting? Feng He was out of ideas. Out of excuses. Out of options.

He had to talk to Cheng Qing.

He needed to understand. The fear that kept him silent and inert was no longer strong enough to win against his desire for clarity and a plan of action. If he could just figure out what was going on inside his head on his own, he would have already done it by now. It was time to do something different...

"I have to go." He told Meng Meng abruptly.

Grabbing his bag and slinging it over his shoulder he left her staring at him like he'd lost his mind. And maybe he had. Maybe not thinking was the solution to his current predicament. Feng He knew what he had to do but if he took any time at all to think about it, he would chicken out.

The ride home was accomplished in record time – even considering the traffic. He hummed along to the radio, tapped the beat against the staring wheel. Paid minute detail to everything on the road to keep his mind from ruminating. It worked.

He was glad to get home and find Cheng Qing sitting on the couch reading a book.

"I want to talk to you." He said without preamble when Cheng Qing looked up at him.

"Okay." Cheng Qing said while he dog eared the book to mark his page and put it aside.

All his attention was on Feng He. It was a heady feeling but it also infused Feng He with a nasty case of nerves. He nearly baulked when he felt his knees tremble and threaten to give out but he took a deep breath, gathered himself and while he wanted to look at Cheng Qing to see his reaction he found himself pacing instead.

"When I asked you to live with me I was short-sighted and scared. I didn't want to lose you. So even though I hadn't really figured out what was going to happen I knew I had to be to you." That was already more words than he had ever said to Cheng Qing in a single sitting but he was determined to keep going. "When you got here, I realised that you weren't here because you thought we could be brothers and roommates and friends. I wasn't surprised by that. But I've never been with someone...like that!"