Stay With Me

Ch 14. The Love Note

Or, putting everything in writing because sometimes the words just don't come out.

Feng He wasn't good with words. Whenever he tried to explain what he was thinking he would get confused or he'd end up shouting everything out regardless of what words he chose. It was the fasted and most assured way of saying something he didn't mean or to miss his meaning altogether.

There was so much emotion swirling around in his head that he didn't always know what he was feeling and why. There was no way to get clear except to put it all down on paper. He'd started writing down some of his thoughts in the back of one of his exercise books. Doing his best to take the time he needed to understand his own mind before he welcomed others – well, just Cheng Qing – to share it with him.

But it wasn't just his fear that he wrote down. It was the reassurances that Cheng Qing gave him. It was the solutions they came up with together. It was the ideas that he had to make things better between them so his fears wouldn't get the better of him when he least expected; catching him when he was most vulnerable. It was his way of processing.

It helped a lot.

He'd spoken to his mother and although she was still doubtful about their relationship, she believed that they were serious enough to stand up for what they had together. His step-father had warmed up as well and although he was still adamant about his fears for their future, he was trying to be more supportive. For that Feng He was truly glad. Those were worries that had weighed on him heavily.

They earned several pages of writing before he finally accepted they were really on their side. Their fear wasn't unreasonable. But they would not use it as a weapon against them.

Regardless of the fact that they were getting more support than he had ever expected...didn't mean he still wasn't caught by surprise when small things happened. Like Cheng Qing's reaction to his declaration of love at the dinner with his parents. Or the fact that he had taken the lead when Cheng Qing was scared in the elevator.

Feng He didn't want Cheng Qing to feel like he was carrying the entire relationship on his own. So even though he wasn't good with words...he thought he might take a leaf out of Meng Meng's playbook and try writing what he was feeling down.

At first he just wrote free thoughts. He would take time to jot things down whenever they came to him. Sometimes it was while they were in the middle of a class. Sometimes it was while they were studying. Other times he would be doing something else like cooking and he would have to stop and jot down a note on his phone to avoid getting his books splashed with the sauce of whatever meal he was preparing.

But after a while he realized he just wanted to speak like he was doing it directly to Cheng Qing. To let the other man know exactly what he was thinking so there was no doubt. So he bought himself a note book and started writing deliberately.

Unfortunately, every word was never the right word and too many sheaves of paper ended up lining the dustbin instead of staying where he needed them; in the book.

The shift happened one afternoon when Feng He found himself at home alone. Cheng Qing was at the studio with his manager and some of the cast and crew to get their schedules sorted out in readiness for filming. He was there to ensure it didn't conflict with his final exams. Meng Meng had offered him a chance to go see a movie but he taken a rain check and opted instead for a date with his notebook.

Setting everything up like he was really embarking on a journey, Feng He opened a fresh page and started writing:

Dear Cheng Qing,

I know we have only just begun our journey together. There are time I think I am dreaming. Times when I can hardly understand how we got here. But I know that I love you. I know that I want to be with you. I know that I want you to stay with me. But whereas before I could only see what was wrong, I can now see that there is a lot going right.