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Chapter four

The scratching of Billie's pencil against paper and my fingers tapping against the keyboard of my laptop are the only sounds to be heard in the room.

I was obediently researching colleges, as I had promised Maggie I would, and Billie was in the middle of brainstorming a chorus for a new song she and Finneas had recently started working on.

Absentmindedly scrolling down the homepage for a college I was interested in, my mind kept wandering back to last night as my fingers fidgeted with the ring around my right ring finger.

"Something on your mind?" She asks from where she's sitting at her desk. I glance up from the screen, the words all starting to blur together, and catch her eyes already staring at my hand.

"Oh you know, the usual. Just thinking about the girl that I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with. Nothing important."

Laughing, she comes over to sit beside me on the bed. She looks over my shoulder at the laptop and scans through the information. Billie pulls a face and looks at me in bewilderment, "you're not really considering going there, are you?"

"Billie..." I start, wary of her tone and where this conversation seemed to be headed.

"No! Erin- " she stops herself, shaking her head. I pull myself into a sitting position already knowing an argument was about to erupt. "It's halfway across the fucking country! Please don't tell me this is where you want to go."

"It's not the easy," I argue, getting hotheaded myself at her words, "it's the best college that I can afford right now, and while I'm still unsure about what I want to do this seems like the best option."

"What? Getting a business degree at a college you don't give a shit about? Do you really think that's the best option?"

I sigh, knowing that right now, no matter what I say will come out sounding bad. "Look, this isn't my final decision. I really don't know where I want to go."

"No, but it could be. If this is what you're considering, I don't even want to think about what you'll decide on."

"I'm just not sure what I want right now." I reason, hoping that she'll try to see my side of things. I feel like I'm trying to decide the rest of my life right now, and without the money to make the best decision for me, I'm already at a disadvantage.

"Then don't go to college."

"You know that's not an option for me." I was already shaking my head before she could finish her sentence.

Not go to college? College has been a symbol of my freedom since I first realized I was bisexual. My life at home became suffocating and I couldn't wait to leave. I can't give up on it now, especially when it's finally within reach.

"And why not?" Billie challenges, and I hate the words that are the tip of my tongue, but I'm too lost in my own frustrations to stop them.

"Because some people actually need a degree to get somewhere in life! Homeschooling worked out all well and good for you because you managed to make a career out of singing, something you don't need school for. I don't have the same option. I need a degree to make something out of myself!"

Billie curls her lips at my words, rolling her eyes up to the ceiling as she tries to calm herself down. "Fuck that. You don't need shit to do what you want in life. You're forcing yourself into a degree you don't care about because you're too scared to do anything else!"

"Obviously I don't fucking want to pay for a degree I don't care about but this is my only option! Not all of have millions in the bank." I argue loudly, my frustration getting the better of me.

"Then let me pay for it!" She shouts back.

"I can't let you do that. You know I can't." I say tiredly, my energy to raise my voice disappearing as quickly as it arrived.

"My money is yours Erin. What will it take for you to finally realize that?"

"Not yet it isn't. And I don't think it will ever be." I say truthfully. Money I didn't earn will never be mine, no matter how willing Billie is to hand it out to me.

"That's fucking stupid and you know it."

"I don't even know what I want to do Billie! I can't let you waste money on me like that when I don't even know what I want." I repeat, sick and tired of trying to get her to understand that this isn't my first choice.

"No money spent on you is a waste Erin, why can't you understand that?" Her voice wavers with emotion, and I can see that the tone of this conversation is starting to get to her

My growing frustrations melt away when I see how upset she is, and I reach out for her hand, holding it tightly in mine. "Billie, I love you so much. And I can't believe how lucky I was to find someone so willing to support me through everything. But this... this is something I need to do for myself. For once in my life I want to be completely dependent on me. This is what I need to do."

I watch in pain as she struggles to blink away the tears pooling in her eyes, "I just- I can't be away from you like this. And when I'm back on tour we'll be so far apart."

"I know baby. But you promised me forever, and this is only temporary. We'll be okay."

I hate what this is doing to us, but I need to do this for me. Whether I look back in ten years and regret the choice I made, I still need to know that it was my mistake to make.

"I don't care about forever. I need you right now."

"I'm still here, Billie." I tell her earnestly, hating the amount of hurt in her voice.

"For now." She scoffs, her lingering annoyance making me frown.

"Don't say that." I beg.

"It's true!" Our temporary ceasefire is shattered in seconds, and I watch helplessly as she gets angrier, "it's like you're trying to get away from me."

"That's fucking bullshit and you know it." I snap, offended that she would even think something like that.

"Do I? Because that's what it looks like to me."

"You should! Christ Billie, not everything is about you. Why can't you understand that the decisions I'm making are for me? I'm not setting out to hurt you in this."

Silence is my only answer, but something about her expression shows me that she's not even considering my words, still accusing me of leaving in her mind.

"Fuck this. I'm leaving."

If she's surprised by my words, she doesn't show it, and lets me leave without any protests. Meeting no one on my way out, I march through the door and hear it close behind me with a satisfactory slam.

Caught up in my own spiralling thoughts, I don't think about where my feet are carrying me, just trying to let off steam.

I force myself to stop not long later, still as annoyed as before, and examine my surroundings, having too much pride to turn around and go back.

Now what?

A/N: would you guys be interested in reading about Erin's rehabilitation in the hospital? (They'd be written every few chapters as a flash back with their own drama storyline)

Hope you're all doing okay 💕