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Chapter twelve

Pushing open the door, I step inside, and my eyes are immediately drawn over to the already decorated half of the small room.

With two single beds on opposite walls and a window in between, I realise that my new home for the next while is going to be a lot more cramped than I had originally hoped it would be.

As I walk further into the room, I spot a blohsh hoodie hanging over a desk chair, the neon green colour catching my attention. The familiar design that I see so often being worn by Billie makes me smile, before I finally catch sight of who I assume to be my new roommate.

"Hi!" She greets me brightly, coming over to where I'm standing and excitedly shaking my hand, "I'm Phoebe."

"Erin." I reply, lacking her enthusiasm but still trying to be polite. She doesn't seem to mind, and instead continues her initial introduction with a short comment about where she's from and what she's going to be studying.

"I'm from LA, near highland park." I tell her when she begins to ask me about myself, and her eyes immediately widen.

"Oh I've always wanted to go there." Phoebe sighs longingly, and I grow anxious, not knowing what to say.

Terrified of awkward silence, I decide to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind, which happens to be, "I like your hoodie."

Her expressions is clouded with confusion for a split second, before I gesture to the piece of clothing I was referring to, and she jumps at the chance to make small talk. My comment easily prevents a break in our brief introduction, and I'm relived to find out that she's the talking type.

"Thank you! I picked it up a while back, when Billie Eilish had just released her album."

"Are you a fan?" I ask, slowly getting more comfortable, happy to engage in any conversation that was centered around Billie.

She shrugs. "Not exactly, I mean, I don't keep up with her or anything, but I do love her music. I'm honestly dying to see her in concert. Have you been?"

"Well, uh yeah I have. I've met her as well." I admit with a knowing smile, trying to keep my words as vague as possible. I regret my decision to say anything when Phoebe's face lights up at my words, but I just couldn't help myself.

"You have?! What's she like?"

"She's amazing." I gush, my smile growing impossibly wider as I think about Billie.

It's easy to tell that Phoebe assumes that I'm nothing more than a fan as we move on, and continue to chat about everyday things while I start to unpack my bags.

Laughing together as I work, I breathe a sigh of relief, starting to think that maybe this won't be as difficult as I thought it would be.

                          _____________

My first few months of college pass by in a whirlwind of activity. Early morning classes and late nights for studying meant that I didn't have as much time as I would have wanted for Billie.

She insisted that she understood that I was going through a difficult and busy time, and that she couldn't be happier for me, but I still couldn't shake the lingering guilt.

Even at her busiest moments, Billie always managed to make enough time for me. I just wish I could do the same for her.

All over social media I was gathering snippets of Billie performing at her concerts, and with the additional footage straight from Maggie and Patrick, the longing to join them was hard to ignore.