30: here once again

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A L I S O N

I cried myself to sleep yesterday. I thought I've shed all the tears I had when I saw my ex-boyfriend with Caroline but I was so damn wrong. 

The moment I had with Scott, the feeling of belonging somewhere when I was with him, it was all too much to handle.

It felt like I was back on the night of the party. Realizing that I've lost him. Even if by a miracle we get together again, I don't know him anymore. Not like I knew.

And it hurts so damn much.

I'm know standing in front of my bathroom mirror, trying to cover the deep bags I have under my eyes with the concealer. If I slept for three whole hours this night was a lot. The tears didn't let me.

The person that it's reflected doesn't seem the real me. The makeup I have on covers the outside but my blue-green eyes are opaque, and the bright they used to have, I no longer know how to find them. My caramel brown falls in cascade on my back, perfectly aligned. 

I look flawless but inside, I'm so so broken.

So tired of everything.

I take a deep breath before leaving my bathroom, heading directly to my car. The skirt I have on today is a short blue plaid one, following the style I need to keep wearing. Trying so hard to get my old life again. It matches the black sweater that it's tugged inside of it, keeping me warm from the cold air that it's threatening to bother me outside. High knees black boots complete the look. 

My mom has gone to work earlier today and somehow I'm thankful that I don't have to explain why the heck I'm wearing such an outfit. The answer would be once again, 'I have to'. 

An apple that I grab quickly from the top of the counter needs to be enough for breakfast today. I don't have the time nor the wish to eat a lot. 

All of this will be worth it, it needs to be.

The way to school is quite short but during it, I have to constantly remind myself that everything is going to be fine, one way or another. 

The first person I see when I get out of my car is Madison. It's been months since I last talked to her since she pretended to be my friend only to get close and try to get some gossip. 

Her chocolate brown hair is shorter than I remembered, stopping above her shoulders, and her small brown eyes are highlighted by black eyeliner. She has on a white tight dress and some jeans jacket on top, trying so hard to look like Caroline's little bitch. 

I once liked her but now, I could care less about what she did to her life. 

I lose no time in entering the school's front door, prepared for whatever stares there might be today. It's always like this and despite I like being the center of attention for once or twice, it's getting exhausting to have my whole life fucking public. 

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