Conan The Dandelion (Boyxboy) ✔

Chapter 23: We Were Us

Random question because your author is a curious person, but do you guys take showers in the morning or at night?

I take showers at night. It's too cold in the morning...?

And I barely have the motivation to get out bed, let alone, get in the shower 🤧

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"I'm sorry," I choked, and before I knew it, I was sobbing. I hadn't noticed that I was clutching onto Parker's shirt until we were crouching on the ground. My knees had given up on me and I was holding onto him, not because I wanted to, but because I'd collapse to the ground if I didn't.

"I really like you," I stuttered, trying to explain myself. "I write about you in my journal every day, and I tell doctor Philip George, and I was really sad when you ignored me, and I was worried when you didn't answer my texts, and... and..." I tried to show him how much I cared about him, but it was beginning to get harder to breathe, and my chest rose and fell unevenly. "I don't hate you, Parker, I promise. I'm not homophobic towards you."

"It's okay, Conan, it's okay," he whispered into my hair. "You're okay. I'm sorry. It's not your fault."

I pressed my hands against his chest, and he loosened his grip, allowing me to escape his embrace like a frantic fish who was given another chance to swim back into the deep, dark sea.

I sat on the ground, covering my face, embarrassed and guilty. My body shook as I sobbed, and I tried to calm myself down. But what you wanted and what actually happened were two very different things. I don't know how long I cried for, but eventually, the tears stopped. The pain was still there, lodged in my chest forever, but at least the tears were gone. I had cried so much; I felt nauseous and tired.

"Conan?" I heard Parker call my name softly. I didn't answer, as if I were dead. Maybe it'd be better if I were. "Will you let me see your face?" he whispered. "Please?"

I shook my head.

"I want to see you," he murmured gently. After hesitating a long moment, I lowered my hands.

"There we go," he said, trying to smile. "Can I touch you?"

I nodded once. He reached out and gently wiped away the remaining tears that stained my cheeks.

"I shouldn't have yelled at you like that," he said. "I lost my temper, but I shouldn't have done that. I was just upset."

"Because I said I was homophobic?" I sniffled.

"At first, yes, but then I thought about it, about how you avoid physical contact only when you're around men, and I kind of understood what you meant that night. It's the only possible explanation I can come up with," he murmured. "But you'll have to confirm my hypothesis to me one day."

I frowned.

"When you're ready," he quickly added. "And when I'm ready, too. This may sound selfish, but I don't think I can bear the truth right now."

I nodded.

"When we're ready," he said. It was neither a question nor a confirmation.

"When we're ready," I promised him quietly. We were silent, both lost in our thoughts.

"Can I ask you something?" Parker asked.

"Okay."

"When you said you liked me, did you mean it as a friend?"

"I don't know," I admitted. Parker looked disappointed, but masked his feelings with a small smile.

"Well, I like you too," he said.

"As a friend?"

He shook his head. "Much more."

I paused.

"Best friends?"

"I like you romantically," he said, knowing that I wouldn't understand otherwise. "Does that make more sense?"

It did and it didn't.

"Oh." I felt my cheeks flush red. "Yes, I suppose."

There was another silence that followed.

"Does that mean we have to hold hands and kiss?" I asked.

"Do you want to hold hands and kiss?"

"I'll have to think about it." I waited a moment. "I thought about it, but I don't think I'm ready."

"Then we won't," he reassured me.

"But what about you?"

"What about me?"

"You like kissing and hugging. You're always doing it with girls," I murmured, shifting uncomfortably.

"I'm not that big of a sex addict," he scowled.

"But you like it," I insisted. Parker sat on the ground in front of me, sitting close but not enough to make me uncomfortable.

"Yes, but I like you more," he said.

"I don't believe you."

"Are you calling me a liar?" He gasped. My eyes widened.

"N-No! That's not what I meant, I'm so-"

Parker burst into laughter, and my chest tightened. He smiled, resting his jaw against his knuckles.

"I was kidding, dandelion," he said smoothly. I pressed my lips together, feeling my face flush hot. He reached out and gently brushed his fingers over my hand. I shivered, but didn't pull away.

"I'll wait," he promised me.

I squeezed my hands together nervously.

"What if you're not happy with me?" I asked nervously, wondering if I was digging my own grave.

"I was never happy, anyway. I've got nothing to lose."

"But I'm leaving in a year," I murmured. "What will you do when I'm gone?"

He shook his head. "I'll find a way to make you stay," he told me. "For you to want to stay."

I could see in Parker's eyes that he was scared, too, perhaps as much as I was, maybe even more. Whether it was alcohol or starvation, we both depended on unhealthy habits to numb our traumas and pain. What good would come out of two suffering individuals who only saw life in death?

But despite the inevitable pain we'd bring each other, perhaps there was hope. It wasn't a hope in which we would restore ourselves completely; that ideal was already too late for us. It was a glimmer of light, too dim to brighten our entire future, but bright enough to give us faith. It was a light we saw in no one else but in each other.

After that night, Parker and I began dating. We skipped the conventional dating norms and dated in our own way. He'd come over to make me food and made sure that I never missed any of my appointments at his dad's clinic, while I made sure to keep the bottles away from him and asked him to smoke only one packet of cigarettes instead of two.

Eating had gotten easier for me, and I even began enjoying my meals. It wasn't because I enjoyed filling my stomach, but because I loved talking and spending time with Parker at the dinner table. He also bought me dinosaur shaped vitamins, and we'd each take one every morning before heading to university. It became our ritual.

And that's how Parker and I became friends again. Well, more than friends.

We were us.

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Thoughts on this chapter? Feed me with feedback please🥺❤

Do you see that? I think Darker/Ponan (still haven't decided lmao) has just sailed 🚢 🚣‍♂️