𝙫𝙖𝙣𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙖 𝙨𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙖𝙚 | ᴋᴜʀᴀᴘɪᴋᴀ ᴋᴜʀᴛᴀ

A Week Before The Christmas Break

Journal Entry No. 342

After that fateful day, I stopped waiting for Kurapika and went home alone. Just like how I did years ago. Because of this, I had more time to myself.

Whenever I see him in the hallways, I don't talk to him like how I tried before. I just pass by him pretending I didn't see him. 

I don't even talk to his friends anymore. I avoid them as much as possible. They were busy being school athletes anyway, so that gave me better chances.

But somehow, I always feel a tight feeling in my chest and it never went away.

I miss Kurapika even if he barely really talked to me. I missed going home with him. I missed watching him practice.

I missed it, even if I think he doesn't think about me at all.

Heck, he probably isn't bothered by my sudden disappearance.

But even then, I couldn't get him out of my head. So ultimately, I decided to give myself some closure.

For the last time, I invited him to eat vanilla sundae with me.

I went to his classroom nonchalantly. I was not nervous like how I would usually be.

I asked for him and luckily he was already there. I told him to follow me to the rooftop.

There, I asked him to eat vanilla sundae with me after school. I prayed to God he'd say yes.

For what it's worth, he agreed.

Huh.

After school, I was already by the gate. He did show up afterwards and we started walking towards the shop. I didn't really have anything to talk to him about. Besides, he won't really be interested in talking to me, right?

But it surprised me that he was the one asking questions now. He asked me if I was alright. Well, just the basic small talk and then we got quiet.

We arrived at the shop. The shop looked gloomy. I don't know if my mood affected the way I saw things right now.

I ordered two vanilla sundaes for the both of us. I would usually order the large size, but I didn't feel like consuming a lot for today. Funny, when I was the one who asked him to eat vanilla sundae with me, right?

We both sat quietly and ate it. I felt like crying. Not because I was happy, but because I won't be asking him to eat vanilla sundae with me anymore.

Of all the times he could've said yes...

I asked him a question. I asked him if he ever thought I was pretty. He said:

Kurapika: "I guess."

Huh. Of course, a polite answer from him.

I asked him if he found Neon pretty. This time he looked at me. Though his eyes questioned my intention. I wasn't jealous. Neon is pretty, at least I can acknowledge that. I just wanted to ask. He said:

Kurapika: "I think so."

Hm. He thinks so, huh?

I kept quiet after that. His answers were safe. It wasn't as definite as I expected from an honest person like him.

Suddenly, he broke the silence. He asked me why I didn't walk home with him like I usually did. Why I stopped.

Did he really want to know?

I just smiled at him and said I just didn't feel like it. I was lying. Of course, I've always loved walking home with him.

Even if we were silent most of the time, even if our shoulders don't touch when we walk home together, I felt happy whenever I did that. 

I missed walking home with him so much that walking home alone seemed like an alien thing for me to do now.

I felt happy whenever I was with him, but why did my heart hurt when I looked at him eating vanilla sundae? I felt compelled to make him stop eating it.

Because I feel like if he finishes the sundae, then that must really mean it will be the end of us. The end of this.

As much as I wanted closure, at the end of the day, I just wanted to see him again. As much as I wanted closure, I wanted to be closer to him.

But I'm sure now, that no matter how much I want him, he'll never want me back. He'll never see me as a woman. 

I don't know if he's dating Neon. I could only care less.

But the sight of him finally eating vanilla sundae with me put a pain in my chest. It honestly felt like I was being stabbed.

The rain poured hard outside the shop. Guess the heavens were emotional, too, huh? I wonder if the universe have seen me cry countless of times. 

Kurapika, we're graduating soon. I'll be leaving this place, and you'll be doing that as well. I don't know when will be the next time we'll see each other, but I wish you all the best.

After this silent and gloomy meetup at my favorite shop, he finished his sundae.

I knew it. This really has to end.

We got out and the rain was pouring harder. My vision was getting a little bit blurry, probably because of the small fog in the area.

We ran to some waiting shed. He suggested it, since we can't risk getting really soaked, but we already are. We ran under the rain (duh).

We were both standing and there was a considerable distance between us. Normally, I would've casually closed the gap, not enough to touch his shoulders, but this time I didn't move from my place.

I had to do it.

And I finally said it to him.

I faced him and called out his name. 

He was like: "Hmm?"

Did you know how good that sounded to my ears? How that simple hum made me wanna retreat and not do any of it?

I told him I was giving up on him. He looked a little shocked from what I just said. Or maybe confused, I don't know.

I told him that I was tired of pursuing him. That I was always frustrated that he never even returned even just a small amount of gesture to me. I told him that I've always liked him ever since I met him on that playground twelve years ago. I told him that I knew he was annoyed with me.

I told him that I was gonna stop walking home with him from now on. I told him he won't have to worry about me being troublesome to him. I told him he can enjoy being alone and not be bothered anymore.

I said those things, but my feelings were against me. I wanted him to say something like: nO pLeAsE lEt Us bE toGeThEr!!!

But he never did. He stood quietly. His face blank of any emotion.

I knew it. He was okay with it.

I looked him in the eye and told him goodbye.

I ran away without hesitation.

I cried under the rain.

Cliché. Huh.

I was barely even holding back the tears when I told him all those things. I knew he never really liked me. He rejected me right away when I confessed. I should've stopped right there and then, but no, my dumb ass had to chase him. I foolishly hoped that he'd come to like me as much as I liked him.

It wasn't his fault at all. He's been honest. I wasn't. I lied to myself.

It's getting a little harder to write. 

I think this is the last time I'd be writing on this journal. I'm gonna be tucking this away. This has been full of things that involved him and I don't wanna keep remembering them.

Every time I look at the cover of this journal notebook, I feel like crying.

Merry Christmas, Kurapika.