Belong - an adopted by Hamilton fanfic [Hamilton]

70. To be: happy

[A/N: Another chapter, let's go! And one written to Taylor Swift, bc y'know it's Taylor Swift (especially Cornelia Street (Live from Paris)). And watching Harry Potter. Great recipe for a chapter, if I do say so myself! Enjoy!😌]

Rue's POV
"Rue?", Vanessa's whispering voice broke through the silence of my room, softly knocking a little on my door that was left half open. "Time to wake up!"
I turned on the light on my bedside table, then putting my hand up in the air.
"I'm up", showing her that I was, indeed, awake. She laughed a little at my newly awoken voice, and walked off to Sebastian's room. I sat up, feeling a little dizzy by my sudden movements even though I had been awake since 5:30. After it faded away, I stood up and walked to the bathroom. Like it had been since I got home from the hospital, the bathroom cabinet was locked. I had my basket of things on the shelf next to it - a hairbrush, some skincare and a little makeup. Not that I really had touched the latter since coming home.
I looked down at my bandage covered arms, knowing that I had to change them, which meant seeing the scars and trying to stand up to the thoughts of reopening the healing scabs. In the beginning, Vanessa or Lin had helped me do it. But, since the last time I had made them bleed, I had actively been trying to do it myself. I slowly unrolled the bandages, revealing the ugly scabs, the healing improvement from yesterday visible. They were still there, just not as broken.

Pick them.
Scratch them.
Make it bleed.

Quickly, I cleansed them and put on new bandages, while having to restrain my whole body as the urge grew stronger and stronger.

When I was done, I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes looked a little more energised today. Still, it wasn't a pretty sight. In one way or another, I looked sick. And people would probably describe me as unwell or poorly. But, I did look more like myself than I had in a while. My eyes wandered away from the mirror, and I put on my big sweater, hiding the bandages from myself.

People are coming over this morning.
They can't see you like this.
They're going to-
Hate me.
Oh, I know.

I cleansed my face and put on a little concealer and mascara, just because there would be people around. Pulled my fingers through my hair to separate the big curls from each other. Took a small hair tie and put it in a half up.
Outside, I could hear Sebastian playing with Tobi. Therefore, I opened the door carefully, in case Sebastian or the dog was running by it. As I walked out, the little one and a half year old came running to me with Tobi's chewed up tennis ball.
"Throw!", he exclaimed, and I giggled at his definite request.
"We can throw it together, Sebastian", I told him and steered his hand while he held the ball and threw it. He squealed with excitement, running after Tobi, who was running after the ball. I went back into my room, switched the light switch 4 times, and put on a stripy black and white sweater with a pair of jeans.
Right leg first. Right arm first.
I did so, while tapping my thigh simultaneously, knowing that this was just the beginning of today - in all fairness, it was going to get harder.

I was still unsure of the new antidepressants. I had been fully on them for a week and 5 days by now. In one way, it was going to take a while and I didn't really feel it. However, in some ways, it felt different. Not like the last time. Not at all. And I didn't really know how to feel about that.
Maybe it was just phantom feelings.
It's not going to help.
It'll harm you.
It will make you someone you're not.
I shook my head, and looked myself straight in the mirror by my wardrobe.
Irrational, I told my self.
By each day it got easier.
Every day that passed was just a fraction easier than the day before.
It'll make it easier.
I'm being irrational.