Belong - an adopted by Hamilton fanfic [Hamilton]

82. To take: the road less taken

[A/N: I know it's been a while, but here it is. The next chapter. Enjoy!💗]

I was in a therapy session with Dr Noma. It was only a few minutes left, and I won't lie, I was quite distant and had been since the events of Wednesday evening. In addition to that, the trial was coming much closer. Closer than I would've liked it to, and closer than I had realised. And I still didn't know what to say; only that I had to say something. In all honesty, I just wanted to do anything that didn't involve therapy and the trial.
"So you told me you're going to prom? Are you excited?", she asked me, her eyes curious and kind.
I shrugged my shoulders.
"I guess", I said. "I think it'll be fun", I continued and put on a small smile, looking at the clock; just wishing that the minutes would go faster.
At the same time, I began to tap in the pattern I liked.
I just wanted to get out of here.
It was too easy to talk here; too easy to slip into the topic of the trial.
And I did not want that.
"Why do you say it like that, do you think?", she asked, trying to find my eyes.
"I don't know. I guess it just gives me the benefit of doubt. Like I always know I might break down and fail. So... so I suppose it's easier to assume I will", I answered, my explanation longer than I'd originally thought. It was too easy to talk in here.
I fidgeted with my hands and tapped harder, the routine trying to replace my nervousness.
"I understand that you think that if you think it won't go well, you're prepared for it to not go well. But that's exactly what your mind wants you to think", Dr Noma began.
"But then it'll be a nice surprise if it actually goes well?", I countered her argument, mischievously smiling a little, knowing that we've been through this before.
She smiled back at me.
"We've talked about this before, Rue. Manifesting works", she told me.
I shrugged my shoulders. She looked up at me, putting her pen down.
"Is that how you think about the trial? That it won't go well?", she asked me.
This was exactly what I didn't want.
"Obviously it won't go well", I said back, a little too quickly. Dr Noma nodded slowly, and replied before I could explain myself.
"Okay... but why do you think that it won't go well?", she asked me, still not taking any notes and looking right into my eyes, while I awkwardly tried to look somewhere else.
"Firstly, I don't know what to say and secondly, I think my mind's impeccable well-being says it all", I said, the tone bitter and sarcastic. "Because it's absolutely non-existent"
And I hadn't written anything.
She scribbled something down swiftly.
"Well, I think you are doing much better than the first time I saw you. Remember how you didn't want to speak to me?", she started to explain, but I looked at her with a confused expression. "And now you're here, having a full on conversation with me. That's what I call improvement", and I don't know why, but that resonated with me. It made me feel warm inside, as if I was proud of myself.
"I was convinced you were going to hurt me", I whispered, scared to admit it because right now it felt silly to think about. "Because I wasn't sick. So why would you do this if you didn't want to hurt me?", I continued, tracing my way back to those first few sessions.

In those, she had been the enemy; the one who was going to interfere with my thoughts and make me less me.

I continued to tap. Dr Noma calmly looked at me, letting me take a moment, as I stared into thin air.
"But I just didn't know", I finally said, coming to a conclusion. I tapped in the pattern I liked, not being able to get away from my thoughts.
"Exactly, Rue. You didn't know. And you don't know how tonight's gonna go, or how the trials gonna go. Because it can always go well", she said, her eyes kind and deep. "So, later today, before you leave for prom, I want you to stand in front of your mirror and tell yourself that it will be okay and that it will go well. Good even, and fantastic too. Manifest it, okay?", she suggested, waiting for me to process it.
I thought it over for a moment.
"Okay", I said after a little while, still tapping, but much slower. "I can do that"
She smiled at me.
"Good. Let yourself have fun tonight, okay?", she said, and I nodded. "Alright, time's up"