Belong - an adopted by Hamilton fanfic [Hamilton]

76. To say: yes

[A/N: Here's a new chapter for you! Touching on a few things that have reoccurred in past chapters, so get yourself a cup of tea and a snack - you're in for a good one!💓
TW: this chapter touches on anxiety around eating in correlation to OCD. Don't read if that triggers you]

Rue's POV
"...And of course we welcome Rue back", Dr Noma said, gesturing towards me from her chair in the circle. The group snapped their fingers in a quiet applause, as I blushed a little, as I fiddled with my hands.
"Thanks", I said, smiling to the side. I was already tired, even though it was around 10 on a Monday morning.
Before this, I had been in a meeting with my lawyer, Jade Keita, together with Dr Noma, to go through the events and talk about what I wanted to say. I had opened the door slightly - and I had had a panic attack, draining me of all energy. The trial was coming up sooner than I would've liked it to; and I still didn't know what I was going to say. And so, the best way to explain my brain at that very moment was that it had turned into mush.
"So, let's go through the group. What are you proud of doing since our last meeting?", Dr Noma resumed, putting something down on her notepad. Before she could assign someone to start, Marie raised her hand.
"But what about since u been gone?", she asked. Dr Noma nodded at her, and then looked at me.
"Well, of course, um, Rue - you're still new here so you don't know, but we usually ask why someone hasn't been to the meetings. A few years ago a guy in this group named it since u been gone, and it sort of stuck with us. It's not required to reply, so it's up to you if you want to tell us why", she explained, almost apologetically. As if she'd deliberately been trying to not ask me that; maybe because she knew I hadn't really told many people. And that I'd already had had a hard morning.
Don't you dare.
I swallowed anxiously, unsure of what to say.
They'll hate you.
"Um", I began, but I didn't make it any further. Dr Noma nodded at me with an uplifting gaze, and I had to remind myself that the other people in the group had been through similar things like I had.
In just the last meeting I'd attended, Marie had told everyone about how proud she was about meeting up with her drug addicted Dad after three years; even though he still seemed to not care for her. And a guy called Henry came from an abusive home, and was now living with his aunt.
In other words, I was still convincing myself that it was good for me to tell these people my deepest, darkest, secrets.
Because maybe they would understand.
They won't.
I took a deep breath, trying to collect myself as I tapped in the pattern I liked.
Just in case.
"Rue, OCD", I started with what I knew - how we introduced ourselves in group therapy.
"I didn't go last week because I shut down. And I shut down because I got a notice to appear in court if I wanted to", I was taking my time, picking my words carefully. I was looking down at my hands now, not wanting to see their faces when they judged me.
"Just the thought of it made me panic, because I haven't really processed the... th-the incident yet", and with that I started blinking quicker and quicker.
The second I spoke about the incident I saw him standing before me, looking straight at me, pushing me down. Making me feel so utterly little.
It's all your fault.
I looked up harshly, filling my lungs with air at the same time - as if it was going to fill me with confidence.
But, I was deliberately trying to avoid Sepi's gaze. Because maybe she'd think lesser of me when she heard.

You can't tell them.
Come to your senses, I thought to myself.
He's not here.
He can't hurt you.

Dr Noma had her eyes pinned on me, reassuring me from her chair across from me.
Ready to step in if I couldn't make it any further.
"I grew up in a dysfunctional family", I began, not ready to label it as abusive just yet. They were still too close to my heart. "Since the age of nine, I've been in countless foster homes. And I recently got adopted, which, it doesn't really matter when trying to explain this, but I love them so much and...", I was rambling now. Avoiding the actual matter at hand.
It was also clear that my voice was shaky, as I tried my hardest to keep it together.
The weight on my shoulders grew heavier.
He was getting closer.
The door to those memories were closer.
And I couldn't dare to open it.
"In April my biological uncle kidnapped me and held me captive for several hours. H-h-he had harassed me before, pretending to be a journalist, and I hadn't recognised him.
W-w-which sounds so stupid", I could hear my voice breaking.
It is stupid.
I took a deep breath, trying desperately to control myself by tapping, blinking and twitching.
"I don't really remember a whole lot", my voice grew smaller and smaller with each word, as he continued to stay in my mind, looking at me. Maybe because I didn't want to touch the subject anymore than I already had today, because in all honesty I could remember it all.
I just didn't want to.
I never wanted to open that door again.
"And in exactly two weeks from today I'm going to take the stand. It doesn't really feel like the best decision in the world right now, but I feel like I have to do it", I concluded, trying to cut it short.
They hate you.
"So, is my absence excused?", I asked jokingly, putting on a smile and trying to make the situation less crucial and serious. By that point, I could feel the exhaust from within me; having to literally force the words out of my mouth.
They were all looking at me, but not staring. They were looking at me with respect; with understanding. Because I had chosen to be sincere.