With love Emma

Chapter 18

'Your Grace, what are you doing here?'

'Do I need a reason to be with my wife?'

He gently turned her to face him. He smelled strongly of whiskey.

'You are drunk.'

'No, just tipsy.'

'Were you crying again?' he asked, looking disappointed. There was no point in lying, her face was blotchy and there were tear stains all over her cheek.

'I never knew you were this miserable. I am sorry. I am a terrible husband, aren't I?'

'No,' she answered involuntarily.

'Mary said you were crying because you missed Master William. I will ask Lady Smith to let you take care of him.'

'For how long?'

He looked taken aback by her question, but rallied saying, 'You can invite Lady Smith or visit them for as long as you like.'

'But Bill is not mine. He will never be my son. I will never have my own child, I will never be a mother.'

Tears kept running down her cheek, Lord Advent wiped it with his thumb, cupping her face. He kept staring at her for a long time, before bending to bring his lips to hers.

'No!' she said, pushing him away.

Real hurt flashed through his eyes at her rejection. 'I am sorry, I thought you wanted to. I...' he faltered as she hugged him and nuzzled against his chest, breaking completely.

'I want nothing more in this world to be your wife and bear your child, but not like this,' she sobbed.

He adjusted her slightly so he could see her face. 'What do you mean?'

'Do you know how hard it is for me to be with a husband who doesn't want me? With a husband who still addresses me as Miss. We live just across a connecting door and I still feel oceans apart. I love you with all my heart. But I cannot, not like this. It would kill me if you regret this later. I could never take advantage of your drunken state.'

'You love me!?'

Emma flushed deep red as she thought, 'Oh god! What have I done? Lord Advent must think I am crazy.'

'You think I do not want you? I have never wanted anyone more in my life than I want you.'

'You don't have to lie to spare my feelings, Your Grace. We both know you are here because you feel guilty.'

'I have felt guilty for many things, but not tonight.'

Emma looked at him questioningly.

'Emma, I am twenty years older than you. I was there when you were christened. I have even held you as a baby and seen you as a girl.'

'I am not that girl anymore, I am your wife.'

Lord Advent continued as though he didn't hear her, 'Your father Neville was my best friend. I was the best man at his wedding. Do you know how it feels each time when I look at you or think of you as my wife? I was betraying my friendship. Would Neville ever forgive me?'

'But...' Emma started. Lord Advent continued.

'But that was not the entire truth. I was in denial. I think I don't deserve to be your husband. I would never deserve you. I feel ashamed for wanting to be with you.'

'You are ashamed of me?'

'No! If not for me you would have married a young gentleman and started a family. If not for me you would have been happy.'

'If it wasn't for you, I would have suffered a fate worse than death; if it wasn't for you, I would have been a ruined woman.'

Lord Advent's face twitched as he remembered that terrible night. 'Emma...'

'You gave me your name and with it your protection. You have given me so much more than I deserve.'

'But never happiness. You have been miserable the whole time you were married to me.'

'No..'

Lord Advent let out a frustrated noise knowing that she was lying.

'You didn't know what I really wanted. I didn't want these riches, I wanted you. I only wanted to be your wife.'

'I am sorry.'

He pulled her closer. This time, she didn't resist. He kissed her, this kiss was different. She didn't feel desire or lust, only love and longing.

'I don't want this night to end,' she confessed. 'It feels like a dream. I am scared the fairytale would end once dawn arrives.'

'It won't.'

'Even if it did, I can live with the memory. It's...' her voice faltered.

'I know.'

'Please don't hate me in the morning.'

'I would not, I could never,' he promised.

Emma woke up feeling cold, the room was bright. She looked on the other side, which was empty. Her heart sank. He had left. She was a drunken mistake after all. She thought the memory of a night would be enough to last her a lifetime, but it only added fuel to her burning heart.