What could have been.

- Chapter 45 -

The waitress returns to the table with our order, flashing us a smile before walking off.

Joseph and I hadn't been together for a long time. We were nearing eight months when we officially broke up. But in those eight months, I had learnt to read him pretty well. I recognised his nervous habits, whether it was biting his nails or fidgeting, unable to sit still when he became unsettled. I could differentiate the confused scrunch of his nose from the irritated scrunch of his nose. I could tell how he was feeling just from the way he was breathing. I knew him and he knew me. Sitting across from him, his hands lost in his long hair, eyes cast down, mouth twitching to speak, I can't read him at all.

I'm here for me, I have to remind myself. "Joseph." I pause, expecting his focus to rise to me with the hope to gauge his expression more but he keeps his eyes down, staring at the table. "I think it's important we say whatever it is we have to say to each other and then move on." Clearing my throat, I pull on the sleeves of my knitted jumper to hide my fidgeting hands. "I think we should move on, Joseph."

"Please don't hate me." He had said before falling into silence. His breathing is rigid. A part of me feels sad for him. Joseph doesn't look unwell but he doesn't look like the Joseph I knew.

"I did want to ask you something about that night at the frat house." His body tenses. I try to shake away my nerves, taking an inhale of breath before continuing. "Someone drugged me and-" A single sob leaves Joseph's lips. His face is hidden behind his hands. For a moment I question if I've misinterpreted the sound he has made. I've never seen him cry.

"Joseph?" His name leaves my lips barely audible.

Joseph's shoulders lower, and his hands stay covering his face. "What about it?" He says quietly.

"I-I've been," Taking in a deep breath. "Trying to figure out who it was."

Joseph collapses forward, arms folded, and he buries his face into the folds of his crossed arms. A muffled whimper escapes.

All I can bring myself to do is stare. My eyes don't- can't leave him.

"I'm so sorry." He cries out.

Lifting his head, his brown irises almost hidden away by the redness from what was the whites of his eyes. "I never wanted to hurt you." Joseph's eyes meet mine. "You need to understand that, ok...." His voice cracks. "I never meant to hurt you." Looking back down at his hand, he whispers. "Never."

The warmth from a tear running down my cheek reawakens my body that's been still since Joseph began speaking. I wipe away the tear with the sleeve of my jumper.

"I was scared that you'd leave me. I didn't know what to do and I panicked." He tugs at his hair. "I could tell this time that you were serious about no more parties. Stupidly, I thought if that were the case you'd no longer want to be around me or be with me."

His bottom lip trembles, causing his words to come out more broken. "It was stupid of me to have thought that. But I was scared of losing you and leaving me behind once you-" He sobs. "-it was only supposed to loosen you up as it had done before...But...I had been drinking and I-I...I didn't realise how much I'd already given you."

The burning in my chest rises, everything hurts, my chest, my eyes, my heart hurts from how wrong I was.

"I'm so sorry." His eyes fill with tears as he repeats the same three-word apology.

I'm so sorry.

I can't move nor speak.

Joseph reaches for my hand. His cold hands meet mine. My vision becomes blurred. My betrayal bleeds through in tears. My disgust from his touch leaves me feeling uneasy.

The sound of everything- Joseph calling for me as I walk away, the sound of cars, people- is all muffled. All I can hear is my chest, beating so hard that I could vomit from the violent hammering that is only getting louder.

Before I have the chance to think where to go or which direction to head in to get home, I'm running across the busy road, avoiding cars that are equally swerving to avoid me.

Maintaining my speed I take my phone out of my purse. I need to call an Uber. My phone falls out of my grip. It takes me a minute for my body to catch up and realise I need to turn back.

Joseph rushes forward toward my phone, getting to it before I do.

"Don't." Pushing him away as he reaches down. Stumbling back, he lands on his ass. He reaches his hands up, palms facing me in defeat. "I'm sorry, Sienna. I'm sorry."

All the heat from the hurt I felt has turned into anger, flaming hot anger. I lunge at him, hitting his chest, shoving him, screaming, "shut up!" With each blow.

He grabs a hold of my wrists. "Let me take you home." I shake my head. "Please, Sienna. Let me make sure you get home safely."

"Shut up," I say through my teeth.

I once felt safe with him. Oh, how I was wrong.

Breaking free from his grip. I shove him a final time. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

And he does. I walk away, he follows keeping his distance. I order an Uber and he stands, waiting far from where I am. Every time he moves closer, I scream for him to go away.

I hate him. I hate him so damn much.

I watch him collapse to the ground as the Uber drives by and when he's no longer in view, I collapse, fall, crumble...breakdown  in the back seat.

....

I wake up to the sound of Eden and Jocelyn sleeping breathes. My head rests across Eden's lap, as her back rests against my headboard. I glance up slightly as her body stirs beneath me but she's still sleeping, her lashes flutter, perhaps a result of whatever dream she may be having. Jocelyn lays behind me, spooning me, with her arm draped across my stomach.

I don't need to get up. I lay, still, in the comfort of my best friend's arms. A ruffling sound sends my attention to my bedroom door.

Sat with his back resting on the door, legs starched out in front of him is Cole. His lips parted, making a faint noise with each inhale and exhale of breath.

I close my eyes in an attempt to fall back asleep however have no luck in doing so. I open my eyes and look over at Cole. His blue eyes meet with mine. We both maintain eye contact, silently communicating with each other. I force a smile with the intention of letting him know I'm happy he's here.

It was certainly forced despite the reasoning behind it being completely sincere. I am happy to see him. I'm happy he stayed.

The minutes following Joseph leaving are a haze of crying, being swept away by Eden and Jocelyn and more crying.

I've finally found out what happened to me.

Joseph lied to everyone including me and made everyone believe it was my fault through his silence. I thought I knew someone for who they were, but I've learnt today that I never did.

I don't think I even know me anymore.

.