I will undress your soul

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Hello, lonely_heart. How was your week? Did you ask your friend? What happened? Did you muster enough courage? I hope so."

Jane had to wait for an answer, but she didn't wait long. Apparently lonely_heart saw her message quickly and sent a reply so Jane started reading her message eagerly, excited to know the details.

"Yes, I asked her what she thinks about it, but she got away with a joke. Per usual. But it's not a big deal. Really. I had my hopes up, of course. But I can't say I am very surprised because I warned you what would happen. I know my best friend well enough and I just knew how she would react.

Also, I wanted to tell you that I feel like I am spilling my guts out to you and you're kind of private. Or at least it seems that way. Last time we chatted, you didn't say much about yourself. You are not very talkative in person, I suppose? Or just shy? Or maybe you're just being careful with strangers? I want to know more about you. I hope you would open up more to me in time. Tell me something personal. I really want to know something more personal about you. So what do you do for a living, for instance? Where do you live? And I am not asking you in a weird and stalking kind of way."

Jane read the message and laughed after reading the last sentence.

"Haha! That's exactly what a stalker would say, you know... I live in Boston. And I am a cop so be careful! Of course I am joking (not about my profession though - I work in Boston police for real)."

Jane hurried to type back her message, feeling that rush again. She was so excited to chat with lonely_heart and she really liked it. She felt that she could trust her. Jane had to wait for a while before she got a reply from her.

"Ha ha, you are funny. I like it. And I like you. You seem like a very nice person, as far as I could tell. I feel I could trust you. I don't know about you, but in my case, you are the first person (and the only one) that I have told about my feelings for my best friend. It's nice to share with someone who understands me completely. I suppose you know how I feel.

It's really hard, but you already know that. I just want to share that with you because you'll understand my pain. The woman I love - she probably sees me as a friend, and I don't. I just can't. I see her as an object of my affection. I see her as a woman and I feel sexual attraction towards her, and it's driving me crazy. You know what's the worst part? That I have doubts. Sometimes I just want to tell my best friend straightforwardly. I just long to come clean with her. It's pure torture to be so close to her and pretend that I don't have any feelings for her. I don't know how to explain it, but... I feel like a betrayer when we hug, or when she tells me that she loves me but not in the way I hope and dream – just as a friend, that's what she means. And sometimes I just wonder – would it be different if I told her the truth?

So having doubts is the worst feeling. Unrequited love is the worst, but you probably know that. You could imagine how I feel... You don't know how many nights I have spent thinking about her. About the things we did or the things she said during the day. Or how many times I have dreamed about her. And I imagined how I would tell her about my feelings so many times. I play different scenarios in my mind. For instance, if I told her straightforwardly she would probably think that I am just joking. She wouldn't take my words seriously. But even if she took them seriously and then she told me that she didn't feel the same way, I just don't know how I would accept that fact. She would probably give me the speech that we could still be friends and that nothing have changed. At first maybe she would really act like nothing had happened, but things would be different between us. It would be really awkward. We would grow apart in time, I just know it. And that's maybe the best case scenario that I could imagine. It could be a lot worse. I know that things between us will change if I tell her about my feelings. And I don't want to change what we have. So it's torture every single day. But you know, writing helps me a lot. I like writing poems and spilling all of my feelings out on a sheet of paper. It's really helpful. And fun. And liberating. You should try it sometime. Or maybe you could try it on me.( And by that I mean share your feelings with me) Pour out all of your feelings, I think it might help you. Unless you already have... I mean, with the writing part. I was wondering do you write or you joined this website just to read?"

When Jane read the confession that lonely_heart have written, she felt something deep inside her. She wondered what to write back after her confession, which seemed so personal. Jane didn't like sharing personal information and she hated talking about her feelings. She couldn't be as honest as lonely_heart. She just didn't like it. But she decided to give it a try. Maybe she would feel better if she shared her feelings to lonely_heart. Maybe it would be liberating. It couldn't hurt trying. So Jane started typing, thinking about the confession she just read. Lonely_heart was very open and straightforward with her.

"Since you shared so much with me, I wanted to return the favor. Though I am not a sharer and I just don't like talking about my feelings, you should ask my mother - she knows best. And she keeps bugging me about it, but that's not important now.

I just want to say that I know how you feel. Though, perhaps I already told you that. Like a thousand times the least? But it's the truth. It's the same with me, so I don't know what to share. All I could share with you is that I think about her all the time. I just can't get her out of my mind. I am so fascinated by her and so in love. And I get what you mean when you said you have doubts. Well...we all do. And I think about it too. I have imagined the moment when I would tell her about my feelings like a million times. But I never really had the guts to do it. Sometimes I just look at her, and I wonder what she would say if I told her the truth in that very moment. How she would react. But I don't want to bore you with my problems. I think you get the picture.

And as to your question - I have written something, but I haven't published it. It's a poem actually. But it's really private so I didn't want to post it. And honestly, I prefer reading than writing."