I will undress your soul

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Maura was lonely_heart! Suddenly Jane felt so confused. And worried. Was Maura writing about her in her poems? Was she really attracted to her? And was Jane so blind the whole time? How could she miss that, she wondered. She had no idea.

Jane wondered what to do. She was really confused in that moment. Did Maura know it was her all along? She didn't have time to think because Maura appeared in the living room, probably because she had summoned her just a minute ago.

"Yes, Jane."

"Maura... Your phone... I... I j-just..." Jane couldn't form a full sentence, still shocked by the news.

"Jane?" Maura looked at her and saw her phone in Jane's hands, probably trying to figure everything out.

"Maura... Or should I call you lonely_heart?" Jane said and looked at Maura, scrutinizing her facial expression.

Maura hesitated for a moment, thinking about it.

"Jane, I was just going to tell you but..."

"Did you know it was me?" Jane asked, thinking aloud. She was still trying to process everything. "Of course you knew. I sent you a poem with your name written on it."

"I found out when you sent me that poem. But I didn't know before that. I swear, Jane. I had no idea. And that's what I wanted to talk about with you. I wanted to tell you. And I was just about to tell you when your mother came in and..."

"So you knew this whole week and you didn't say anything?" Jane interrupted her. "You didn't tell me that it's you... You didn't even write me back as lonely_heart. You didn't tell me in person. You did... Nothing..."

"Jane, I am sorry," Maura started apologizing, staring at Jane with her apologetic look.

"You know what? Save it!" She interrupted Maura and quickly went out. She was just furious at Maura. She needed some time alone. Some time to think. So she quickly went home, trying to process everything that had happened.

Jane felt betrayed. She knew Maura was telling the truth. There was no way Maura knew it was her before she sent that poem to her. Maura must have figured it out when she sent her the poem with Maura's name written on it. But Jane still felt bad. Maura knew for so long and she still didn't tell her. At least not right away. And Jane felt really vulnerable at that moment. She spilled out her heart to a complete stranger and it turned out to be Maura. She still couldn't believe it.

Maura knew for one week. One week! She probably had plenty of time to think things through. It was not fair! Jane had every right to be mad at Maura for not telling her the truth. Everything was okay when Jane thought that she was writing all this private stuff about her feelings to a complete stranger that she probably would never meet in person, but now that she knew it was Maura everything was so messed up. She had shared such intimate details with lonely_heart, but now she regretted it. Even though Maura did the same thing. And she had no idea, too. Not until a week ago. But Jane didn't know whether all the poems that Maura wrote were about her. She couldn't know for sure. She supposed that she was the one Maura was in love with, but she could never be a hundred percent sure. At least Maura was sure of that. After all Jane had sent her a poem all about her, expressing her feelings for her and plus, it had her name written on it. So Maura knew for sure. And Jane, on the other hand, couldn't say she knew for sure. She wished that it was her, but what if that was not true? What if Maura didn't have feelings for her but for some other friend? Jane tried to suppress that bad thought, feeling even worse than before. It had to be her, right? And that didn't even matter because Maura never told her the truth, even though she knew for so long. And a true friend would never do that. She was so furious at Maura.

But Jane tried to calm down and started thinking. She tried to put herself in Maura's shoes. If Jane had found out that Maura was lonely_heary first, would she have told her? Would it be that easy? How could she blame Maura when Jane didn't know what she would have done if she was in her place. The best way to understand someone is to put yourself in their shoes. And Jane just couldn't imagine how she would react. Maybe Maura wasn't that bad after all, and Jane had judged her very quickly without any thinking. But she still didn't know what to do. And how to feel. Betrayed by Maura? Relieved that she found out about her feelings? It was so confusing. All she wanted to do was feel better somehow.

So Jane started rereading all the message Maura had sent her as lonely_heart. First, she read her poems, then all of their correspondence. Maura really did undress her soul even though she probably didn't even know she was writing with her until a week ago. Because Jane definitely felt more vulnerable now that she knew she was writing with Maura the whole time. And Maura probably read all their messages too, now that she knew Jane was writing about her. She somehow managed to make Jane pour her heart out, express her feelings, undressing her soul. Slowly, as she had written in her poem. Layer by layer, Jane had shared very intimate detail, every single time she wrote to lonely_heart. She had exposed her heart, but should she regret it now? All she wanted was to make sure that Maura was writing about her in the poems. That she was the one Maura loved so much. She needed to talk to Mura. Sooner or later she had to face her.

She went back to Maura's house, now feeling calm and sure about it. She had time to think things through. And Jane was ready to make amends to Maura. She rang the doorbell and Maura showed up.

"I am so sorry, Maura," Jane began apologizing the minute she set her foot in Maura's house. Maybe she overreacted, she knew that now. "I am sorry I reacted this way, but I was just shocked. And confused. And then a bit angry at you."

"I am sorry too, Jane. I should have told you earlier and I am really sorry."

"I have to ask you something. You were writing all this poems and it... it's all about me, right? I am your best friend who you're in love with? Am I?"

"Of course, Jane. You're my only BFF," said Maura and smiled at Jane.

Jane felt relived. She knew all along. Well, maybe she wasn't so sure, but she felt it in her heart.

"LLBFF," Jane corrected her and winked at Maura, both smiling brightly like two idiots in love.