tides | jj maybank x oc

ep. 16 ~ forgive and forget

john b had been so wrapped up in the hunt for his dad that he'd honestly started to forget there were other people around him at all. let alone that those other people probably had shit going on that was just as deep as his own shit.

a combination of luna b's mysterious predicament and sarah cameron's scolding had opened his eyes to this somewhat. and, as a result, whilst he was still dead set of finding the royal merchant the next time weather allowed for it, he had a new resolve to bring luna b back into the fold. to care for her, look after her like a brother would.

he meant what he said; we would be there for her whether she wanted it or not.

and that's how the 'siblings' found themselves here, in an awkward circle with the rest of the pogues on that oh so familiar strip of beach.

•••

"what's she doing here?" kiara's harsh question, directed over my head at john b, pulls my gaze back from the ocean. the same stretch of ocean that i was trying to drown myself in not even twelve hours ago.

it's strange to think that, to really let myself think it.

"she's a pogue, kie." kie scoffs, "just hear her out."

something in me cracks a little when i glance around the circle and not even pope can meet my eyes. but i steal myself and, nervously touching the brim of jj's cap, take a deep breath and go to explain.

"i'm really sorry for- about all of it. i didn't think about it at first, didn't know it was important, and then... then the longer i didn't say anything for," i try and get someone, anyone to meet my eyes, "the harder it became to tell you."

"the easier it became to lie to us, right?" kie interrupts, brusque and hurting.

"yes." i cave, admitting to it and letting my gaze fall back on the ocean so i don't have to endure they're inability to look at me anymore. "yes, i lied. but i didn't mean to, i didn't want to but it just sort of happened. and when it had started i couldn't stop, i couldn't pull out of it or-or do it over again and then i realised it might be important and i had to say something," i'm crying now, stumbling over the words as i struggle to get one out before the next and all in the same breath, "and then i did but i- i didn't think and- god i'm sorry. i'm so so sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sor-"

i'm cut off by a soft hand on my arm, and a bigger, gentle hand on my other shoulder. the shock of them and the flashes of memory that accompany them make me flinch backwards so hard i bite my tongue and cut myself off. flashes of rougher hands in the same places, getting rougher still as they tighten around me. pulling me. pushing me.

those images, and the feelings that come hand in hand with them are gone as quick as they came and i'm back to standing on that strip of shore, surrounded by the pogues.

kie and john b have their hands hovering where i just was, one over my arm, the other over my shoulder.

"sorry." i mutter, sucking in a breath at their shocked faces, at jj's blue eyes, crinkled in concern as he looks at me for the first time.

"it's okay luna b, you made a mistake. it happens." pope says after a beat, smiling at me with such comfort it makes me bite down on a sob.

john b rubs my shoulder gently, a little show of support. i let him, just for a second, before i duck out from under him. only able to give him a little smile to try and excuse my actions.