Secrets Until Someday

Chapter 46

Sydney's POV

Layla was a wreck, rightfully so. Kelsey had met us there too and we were all crammed together on the couch in the living room as Mrs. Dawson and the other relatives that had shown up gathered around the dining room table. 

Layla explained to us through her heavy tears what happened, "He was, he was fine...drinking his coffee, reading the paper, and then all of a sudden he was grabbing his chest and making an awful noise. Then before I knew it he was on the ground." She sucks in a breath. "Mom and I sat there next to him, I called 911 but it all happened so fast that I...I don't know, maybe there was something else we could have done." 

Kelsey reaches for her hand and comforts her with a tight squeeze. Tears are falling from all of our eyes and this time I'm the first to speak, "Layla...there was nothing else you could have done. I wish there was something we could do to make this all go away but don't blame yourself." 

"All I need is right here, you guys being here is enough." 

We sat there comforting our friend but I couldn't help my mind and my heart from wandering to where Brooks was, Layla had said that after sitting with them for a while he snuck away to his room and no one had seen him since. I would randomly check my phone to see if I had heard from him but every time I looked the screen was blank. After being there for a couple of hours Layla noticed my distraction, she nudged me, "Syd, I'm worried about him too. You should go check on him." 

"Are you sure Layla?" My voice quivered with a fear I'd never experienced before, "I don't want to push him and I want to be here for you." 

"Yes. I'm sure, he hardly said a word when he got here. If he needs anyone right now it's you." 

Kissing her cheek I crawled out from under the blanket we were all tucked under and tiptoed up the open staircase. Standing outside his closed door sweat covered my palms. I knocked lightly and when there was no response I knocked a little louder and followed it with, "Brooks, it's me... can I come in?" 

Still nothing, I decided to peek my head in the door, and what I saw nearly broke me in two. 

Brooks was asleep, curled up in the fetal position on the small cot in the middle of the room. I could see the redness staining his cheeks and the dried-up tears that had fallen from his eyes. I slowly walked over to his side and kneeled down next to him, fighting back the tears and the ache in my chest for this boy I loved so much. I would do anything to take the pain away from him but I knew that the best thing I could do at that moment was to let him sleep. I unfolded a blanket that was on the floor and draped it across him, and gently pushed his hair off his forehead, placing a soft kiss on his cheek I whispered, "I love you so much, I'm here for you, always." Hoping I could somehow melt those words into his subconscious. 

I left the room, closed the door behind me, and met the girls back on the couch. 

Brooks's POV

I knew it wasn't fair to pretend to be asleep when I heard Sydney knock on the door but I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know how long I had been up here but I knew that I felt better hiding away instead of being surrounded by everyone's pity. I didn't deserve anyone's condolences or their sorry feelings. I was awful to my dad, said terrible things to him, and told him I was throwing away everything he had worked his whole life for. I'm not surprised he had a heart attack I practically inflicted it on him myself. At the thought, a sharp pain struck the middle of my chest. I thought there couldn't be any tears left to fall but they did every time I thought about the words that had left my mouth the day before as I stood there screaming at him. 

The guilt felt heavier than the grief. It was surrounding me and each time a new memory from the last few months appeared in my mind it consumed me even further. Everything I tried to turn my back on was everything he wished for my life to be, now he was gone with nothing but disappointment for me living in his heart. My stomach churned. 

I tried to keep my breath calm and my eyes closed when I felt her lay the blanket on top of me but it became even harder when I heard the words she whispered in my ear. All I wanted was to pull her into my arms and fall apart but I knew I couldn't. I didn't deserve her comfort and my dad didn't deserve to be betrayed by my love for her.

 Now that he's gone how do I even look her in the eye? How can I build a future with her knowing that it's what sent my dad to the grave? 

I pull my legs tighter to my chest and the pressure claims my breath and I feel the sweat cover every inch of my skin. I try to pull air into my lungs but I can't seem to take a deep enough breath. 

Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale...I try to tell my body but it's not listening. I feel like I'm choking as I jump off the cot, my muscles cry, and the tension in my body affects my movements as I crawl to the window. I yank it open allowing a gust of chilly spring air and rain to fall against my face. I squeeze my eyes shut and my head pounds. 

Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale...the breath slowly starts coming back, my heart rate begins to slow and the tears stream down my cheeks. I let them fall because I know I'm safe here in this room. It's outside of these walls that I'll be looked at to take care of everything, to be strong for my mom and my sister, and to take my dad's place in the company. I know that everything will be different from here on out and it makes my body tremble at the thought because I don't know how Sydney will ever fit into what my life will look like now. 

The thoughts rush through my mind so quickly that my whole body flinches when her blue eyes appear behind my eyelids. Again, I suck in as much air as I can, the panic trying to consume me. I feel like my heart is a volcano erupting, and the longer her face sits in my mind and his words ring in my ears it's as if the lava exploding out of my heart begins to harden to rock. 

I didn't know where to go or what to say but I knew that I had to shove it away. I wasn't going to survive what I had to do by sitting here crying and thinking about all the things I can't take back. All I can do is move forward. Sydney deserves more than what I could give her and my dad deserves me to continue his legacy. 

Everything hurts my muscles, my head, my eyes but mostly my heart. I never understood what grief truly felt like until now and as I sat at that window I felt a wall being built around my heart, the pain too much to bare. I felt a hardness begin to build itself around every piece of me with each breath I sucked into my lungs. By the time I pulled the window shut and rose to my feet, I felt nothing but numbness covering it all.

AN: For anyone who has struggled with grief, anxiety, or panic attacks I send you a hug and all the love.